1. Fear of Constriction - Got my support hose :-( It took me five tries putting them on by myself. I cut the heck out of my thumb with my toenail--the toenail I cannot reach to cut. They totally worked for the four hours I wore them. Then I could not wait to get out of them for bed time stories. I was a total exhausted mess and feel asleep at 8:30 p.m. in the middle of story time. I hate being bound up and I wonder if the hose have anything to do with the severity of the body exhaustion. Maybe I just over did it. I am also concerned that my husband will not have time to help me get these hose on, or will sleep long past me.
2. Fear of Suffering - I'll be honest, most of this pregnancy and the others too, I have felt like I have been hanging on by a thread. As I have said before, I do not even suffer from severe pregnancy complications and symptoms. Pregnancy really brings to light God's curse on woman. I just really want to bear it with grace and I am afraid I don't do that well. I hope I also can learn empathy for others who suffer bodily. I CAN do this and I know there is end in sight. I can't imagine having to suffer pain knowing that there is no end in sight. After the baby is born, I know the burdens of child-rearing will still be there and great. I think what I suffer is the fear of not knowing how much I will suffer. Anyone can overcome their suffering if they can redirect their attentions.
3. Fear at the Wonder of God - I love these little fleshy, soul-bearing blessings God has graced upon us. I wonder, WONDER, how many He wishes the bestow upon us; and sometimes I fear it. I believe in God's Providence, but it is quite another thing to know exactly what His Providence is. I do not feel like we became fully human until these children came into our lives. It is not until one has children that one can see an even greater picture of the world, the universe, the great beyond, and see oneself reflected in them.
4. Secret Dreams - Andrew and I made the decision to send Alex to public school next year and we have been at peace about this. Alex has continued progress in his education at home this spring. We have taken a very nonchalant attitude and have planned out very little of it. We also found a computer game that Alex will do anything to get a chance to play. So he works on school so he can play. Sometimes I think I should be more crafty with the kids, but it's certainly not what Alex's needs or wants right now…All this to say, I still go to various home school curricula sites and peruse and dream about enrolling my kids. I think Alex will be bored at public school, but will love daily social activity. I will work with Kristiana on preschool this next year and I am excited to start her formal education.
5. Secret Projects - I have a lot I want to accomplish before the baby is born and I try to remember the REST of my life does not hinge upon the birth of this child. I can do things after she is born--like the pantry reorganization. I did reorganize my linen closet and put away the newborn baby girl clothes. I started a garden bed, but I need help to finish it and that's like pulling teeth to get help. I decided to sell my boy clothes. Why am I holding on to five tubs of boys clothing when I have a third girl on the way and need to purchase summer clothing for our oldest girl? Then I have to go through the girls' clothes and get those organized. It never ends--and all the clothing business does need to be done before the baby is born.
6. Sneak Peek - Almost done. These are my the Icons I have been working on for Great Lent. They are for our God-children. With our first God-child I decided I would always send gift for Easter. It was an easy choice because the same year she became our God-child, her parents entered the Church and gifts were only natural. Easter is God's greatest gift to the world and our faith revolves around this greatest of Feasts. I may forget birthdays, but I will never forget Easter.
7. Little Confessions - Just ate a pop tart and a handful of potato chips, because that's what the kids are eating right now, this mid-morning. I don't really have another quick take right now and I have to go wash the cloth diapers, which I have been falling behind washing because I am too tired at night to do and need to work on my Icons--speaking of Icon, better go polyurethane those... So, have a Holy, Holy, Holy Week.
K, after this little vent I feel better. Thanks for bearing with me, Friend.