Don't Be An Obamican and Other Things I Thought about on My Walk

Words I heard on the Laura Ingram Radio Show:

In reference to William F Buckley who died yesterday – may I say, before yesterday I knew nothing about him; after listening to prominent people and his friends talk about him, I am totally sad about his death and my ignorance.

Words on W.F. Buckley
Élan – vigorous spirit or enthusiasm
Brio – enthusiastic vigor

In reference to republicans voting for Barack Obama – who I personally think is the most evil of all candidates in the current presidential election, because all of his positions are in complete opposition on issues most important to me.

(He also reminds me of the grade school student council president candidate who promises ice cream at lunch every day, five more minutes for every recess and a real python for the school mascot. These empty, unrealistic, promises never come to fruition. They are stomped on by administration. He becomes the most non-functional, non-active president the school has ever seen and finally the student council becomes disbanded. Scary. Don't be an Obamican! A republican who votes for Obama.)

Back to the word…
Hegemonic – preponderant influence

You will clearly understand this word:

Recession – Just do not make new debts and keep paying old ones! Keep working hard in your job and take another one if you need it. Mmhm, that's what I think we all need.

We are modern-day Rome. Although, the U.S.A. is no where near as great as Rome. Rome fell. We will fall. We should move back to being an agrarian society. I totally want to be a subsistence farmer. But, I have no idea how to do this. Plus, it would take the purchase of land. That would take money. Money is something I do not have. By the time I have money, I might be too old to start a farm. I wonder if I found an unoccupied piece of land in the middle of no where (with a water source of course) if I could occupy it without paying for it and without anyone noticing. Whatever happened to the Homestead Act? I would totally do it organic and eco-friendly. I should go join the Amish. Too bad they're not Catholic.

I thought about other things on my walk, too many to share. It was a mentally productive walk.

A Little Disheartened

Erg! I am tired of sickness. I have been out of work half this week Andrew's been sick. Alexander's been sick. I have been sick for two and a half months straight. I am not kidding. It all started with a visit to my grandfather. He was apparently sick, which he announced after we already stayed with him a day. I pretty sure he made me sick. It turned into a long standing respiratory infection. I finally went to the doctor two weeks ago. He gave me steroids, which helped a little. They made me crazy. I finally felt like I was getting over it Monday. Then Andrew or maybe it was Alexander, gave me some new undesireable ailment. Blast this fickle cold and flu season!

Further, my uncle Patrick died last weekend. I am quite sad about this. He was closest in age to my Dad. My Dad and he were good friends when they were growing up. Dad is very depressed about this. He is currently in Australia attending his funeral. Uncle Pat had five kids and a loving wife. He had a great sense of humor, even though it was a bit off color. He was very sick in the end. He died of cancer. He will be missed. I feel really bad for my cousins (his children), who are all around my age, because they will really miss their Dad. Please say a prayer for the consolation of his family and the repose of his soul.

May His eternal light shine upon him.

Appreciation of Old Friends

Per our discussion, this Blog is for you.



It was great to talk to you last night. It made me so happy. Thanks for sharing your recipe and all your dreams for the future. You sound like you support your husband the way I support Andrew. "Whatever will make you happy dear, let's do it." Even if that changes everyday. It sure helps that their ideas are very creative and worth trying.



Thanks for being a good friend and giving good advice. I praised God first thing when I woke up this morning. My mother in law told me she prayed for God to give us a good day and I think for the most part it is working. I pray for a double good day for you and my in-laws and Andrew (always for Andrew).



Alexander is another story. Andrew and I just need to have patience. He is quite a handful. I think we are blessed with a "high need," intelligent child. We need to "channel" him positively. His smile makes up for any trouble he gives us.

ENOUGH

Alexander totally put me in a bad mood. It really makes me sad. He spent the whole morning throwing fits and crying. We were just not giving him what he wanted (I am not sure what he wanted). Then when we arrived at daycare, he walked in with a new attitude; walked over to one of the care providers, who has been gone two weeks, because she was sick, and he was extremely happy to see her; he gave her a loving hug and was ready for his day. I felt my heart drop a little and felt a little depressed. He spent the whole morning at home being angry with me and then lovingly hugged a caretaker who he has not seen for a while.

(I am trying to not take offense to this. He is 15 months old and his emotions are not entirely rational. Not to mention that none of us are morning people. It takes us all some time to wake up and be ready to interact with other people. )

I went to hang up his bag, then on my way out I peered into his room again gave him a smile and a wave and he returned it. His little face beamed. This warmed my heart again. However, as a mother who would like to be actually raising my child, this was not a good morning. Further, when he has me around and he gets the love and attention he wants from me, he seems better behaved. I am sure that our son is getting the care he needs, but it chills me that he is getting it from someone else. Apparently, motherly love is for sale and I stepped up and bought my son some good, bargain, tender, loving, care. I am angry about this.

Andrew said to me last night, "I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel." He was referring to his PhD program. This morning in the car on the way to work, I heard the echo of his words in my mind. I was attempting to use these words to comfort myself in my sadness about not being there for Alexander. However, it did not completely work. How long can I wait to properly mother Alexander? How much will it effect him if he is going on 4 years old when he finally has me around? He will not technically be my child. He will be a product of us and the people from daycare. It is weeks like these that I just want to quit this job and be a mother. (Of course, it would be a sticky situation to pay the bills.)

Sometimes both Andrew and I want to say, ENOUGH! We're done here! Our goal is to go back to live close to his family, because there, we believe that we have a good and loving support system. Is staying here any longer going to help us reach our goal? Sometimes we think that we have chose wrongly by leaving and going into debt to chase this dream. "Hindsight is 20/20." Although, I am not sure that we could have known what we were missing until we left it. We also had something to prove to ourselves.

I have hope for the future, but I know that the end of the tunnel is at least a year and a half away, more likely longer, two. I do not want to get in the habit of living only for what we may have in the future. I may miss out on today. I am glad that Andrew can now see the light. This is a hopeful sign for all.

Alexander Update

Age: 14 months 3 weeks (Baby/Toddler).

Height: 29 1/2 inches (short).

Head circumference: 19 inches (mighty).

Weight: 21 lbs. (practically perfect in every way).

Temperament: Frequently grouchy, pushy, cuddly, still gets the giggles.

Likes: Still Elmo's World, Veggie Tales Sing-A-Long, 123 Count With Me (DVDs); climbing everything; petting the kitty; trying mommy's food (even wasabi peas); peach juice; milk (all forms); being in arms of parents; going outdoors.

Dislikes: Funny textured food; not getting his own way; diaper changing.

Interesting: Strokes his belly when his shirt is off.

Activities: Playing with kids his own age at daycare. Gets into everything.

He still has a nebulizer treatment everyday to help prevent asthma trouble. He goes to bed at 8:00 pm with no fussing or fight. He wakes up in the middle of the night, and because his parents are too tired to soothe him and put him back in the crib, he comes to bed with his parents.

Future occupation: possibly a musician - showing early signs of rhythm.

Enjoy the update.

Bad Habits

I am glad it is Lent. I am working on my bad habits. But, today I am realizing that I have way too many. I don't know if I am having perfectionist thoughts, which are simply unattainable or if I am being totally realist about my faults.

I have such scattered thoughts. I constantly check websites that I have no business checking while at work. Everyday I check gofugyourself.com. It is a blog with hilarious commentary on bad celebrity fashion. I also check other friends blogs daily. (Zane, I check yours everyday even though you have not written anything since October. I am just hoping one day you might have time to give us another nugget of gold...here's hoping you do well on your orals.)

In other bad internet habits, I read the headliner stories on MSN every morning; look up products on amazon.com and add them to my wishlist; read babycenter.com updates; check my bank accounts; do anything to avoid starting the day. To make some excuse of it, my boss is way behind, so, I keep myself looking busy so I don't get too far ahead of her.

Fortunately, Lent is helping with my overeating habit and my bad, bad sweet tooth. I emphasize helping, because I must admit to not being perfect. All year round I struggle to be good in my eating habits, yet suddenly, because it's Lent and it is for God, I have self-control. This is totally blowing me away. I am seriously asking myself why I could not do this all year round for God. This question is seriously perplexing me. I think I might have to make it all the way through Lent to figure this one out. For the past two days there have been chocolates in the candy dish at the receptionist desk at my work. As I have watched them disappear, with alarming speed, I have turned my nose up at them. "Who are you?! and what have you done with Renee?"

Another extremely bad habit is not making the effort to pray--pray without ceasing--and pray with the family.

This brings me to the prayers on my heart now. Most importantly, please pray for my uncle. He is in a coma right now, battling critical illness. We are unsure of his future. He has a family who needs him. We are hoping for a full recovery. Please also pray for Andrew and I, for our souls to change, for our black stains to come clean, for our vanities to cease.

Meandering Thoughts on a Friday Morning

I think I have insomnia. Alexander slept through the night last night, but I didn't! I really haven't slept the night through since he was born. But, co-sleeping has helped me get enough sleep. In the last two months we have been trying to get Alexander to sleep the in his crib the whole night, on account of that he tries to nurse all night long. You would too if you were sleeping with your most favorite food right next to your mouth. Anyhow, he usually wakes up at some point in the night and sleeps with us for part of the night. Some nights it's more others it's less. But, all this waking up in the night has conditioned me to wake up a lot. Now, I am having trouble going back to sleep once I wake up. I better get used to it if I am going to have a few kids.

Most of the time, I eat right and exercise, so these things should help me to sleep better. But, I drink one cup of coffee every morning and sometimes tea at night. I should probably cut out the caffeine to see if that helps. But, I can't!!! Because, I am awake half the night (of my own accord, not baby related), so I need my morning cup-a-Joe, my little pick-me-up. I need it I tell you. Several times in the last couple of months I have skipped that cup of coffee only to develop a headache in the afternoon, followed by a delicious cup of coffee to cure it. Ooh! it's a vicious cycle!

It might not be the coffee. It might be hormones. In that case, what do I do?

On another topic, Great Fast has begun. Andrew and I are trying to stick as close to traditional Great Fast as possible. That means no meat, no dairy, no sweets for the entirety of Lent, except for Sundays, and strict fast (1 1/2 meals on Monday, Wednesday, Friday). We have done pretty well this week. We could probably do a little better. We have not increased are family prayer time yet, which we really need to do, because it is almost nothing right now (four prayers together, that's it). What is all this fasting really worth if prayer and good works do not increase with it? This time is meant to bring us closer to God and make our souls holy.

We will also be breaking Great Fast's strict rules during Spring Break, when we go to New York, because it will be too difficult to adhere, since we will not be at home in our own kitchen. We will likely try to keep some of the tradition. We will probably eat meat some days during the week. But, we will try to keep to the 1 1/2 meals on Monday, Wednesday, Friday.

For some reason, because it is Lent and I psyched myself up for this for a couple of weeks beforehand, I think that it has been a little bit easier mentally to say, no, to the things I cannot have. There have been candies, brownies and meat at my work and I have turned away from them. I saw an ice cream cup in the freezer the other night and I wanted to eat it very bad. I kept thinking about it all evening long. But, somehow I resisted the temptation, which is not at all like me. So, perhaps God is working in my heart. Truly, if you had ever spent a day in my shoes, you would know that resisting that ice cream in my freezer and those brownies at work was a miracle. Perhaps this is the beginning a new and holier Renee. At one point in my life I was sure I was doing what was holy. During this Lenten time may God grant me the grace to come closer to holiness. I'll let you know how it goes.

Happiness

Why do all the things I want to blog about come from the Today Show?

On the Today Show this morning they had a little segment on the Pursuit Happiness and Mid-life crises. What they were saying was not all that important to me, until in the final moments of the segment a rabbi from the panel they were interviewing piped up and said, "Happiness is a by-product of having a sense of purpose in one's life." I was struck. I never thought of it that way before. The rabbi also went out of her way, talking over other panelists, to point out that happiness is a pursuit, a continuous pursuit, and not necessarily something that you can attain permanently, but something that you are constantly pursue. This is all very interesting to me.

I have to admit that right now I am "sitting upon a high horse" in this matter, because I do believe that I am happy. If you told me that from this point on I would continue living life just as it is now until death (baby, husband, job, friends), it would not decrease my happiness. Sure, there are some aspects of my life that are not ideal, but I really have no problems with how things are.

That being said, I think that a lot of happiness has to do with how you think about life and your thrown-ness. Granted, there are physiological factors, but I know a person who has been in extreme pain for a majority of her life and she is happy. The key to her happiness is that she has purpose in her life and in her pain and this has been her source a paramount joy. She is a true inspiration to all. Even in the midst of great suffering can be found great joy. ("The Light of Love, My Angel Shall Go Before Thee," by Patricia Devlin.)

More about how you think about it: I wrote an essay in college about John Locke's arguments against slavery. His position was that no man can own another man, because there is no way that any man could possess the "self" of another man (one might think one owns a man, but it is only captivivty of his body, you cannot own "the man"). In that sense, you possess and control everything interior to yourself. Everything that makes you, you is in your possession and your control. It is your choice to be happy or unhappy about what you have. But the key is that you own that--your happiness. Going back to having a sense of purpose and that creating happiness, it correlates to that which makes you happy is immaterial.

You may be thinking, no, I think that if I had an IPOD to listen to my happy music, that would make me happy. A material thing, IPOD, would make me happy. But, I would then ask what about that material thing makes you happy? Is it that the IPOD has distracted your mind from the fact that your life has no purpose. Or is it that the music makes you feel better about your status of your life (e.g. the song is about your boyfriend leaving you and you get revenge. You feel happy about the song because, a.) your boyfriend left you and you feel like the singer feels, therefore, you have someone who you can identify with and this makes you feel like you are not alone in your pain. b.) you take this as encouragement to take revenge and you make the ex-boyfriend hurt like you hurt and this makes you feel better because the ex-boyfriend now identifies with your pain. c.) the beat and melody of the song calms or invigorates you and you receive physiological endorphins.) But, then you take off your head phones and realize that you spent all this time listening to music and you have no sense of purpose in your life and have not made any steps toward purpose while listening to music. You put your head phones back on to drown out your sadness and life goes on, but you never really feel that secure sense of happiness.

On a final note, sometimes people don't feel happy because they are always waiting around for that next thing that they think that will make them happy, never recognizing that happiness that they have already attained.

This all of course does not take into account depression caused by a chemical inbalance. But, nobody knows whats inside of you, or how you feel. That is in your control too. You can have hope to get well, so that you can pursue your life's purpose, whatever it might be. The pursuit of your life's purpose, even in the midst of depression can bring you happiness. I know people who do this.

Okay, you can call me full it, because I am sitting upon my high horse. But, realize too that I was not always sitting here. I had to climb up here all by myself.

There's a First Time for Everything

Did you ever notice that a majority of things you do in life you are doing for the first time? First birthday, first car, first baby, first time you baked a cake........It goes on forever. A lot of the time you're just waiting for the next "first" to happen.

I was just thinking about not being experienced in certain things, namely, auto-repair. My car's in the shop and I was thinking, "Man, I am going to get ripped off, because I am just not experienced at this." But, then I started thinking that for most people they are not experienced at this. No matter how many times your car goes into the shop it will be a new problem each time that you do not know about--or perhaps auto standards have changed since you last had your car in.

Then I thought, a lot of life is like this. I keep seeing Alexander experience things for the first time and think how interesting and exciting his life must be. Then I realized that the same is true for me. Even though I have experienced much, still there is much that I am experiencing for the first time. How interesting and exciting life is.

Happy Birthday to me. It's the first time I am twenty-five.

The Startling Revelation – What I Am Going to do in My Life

When I was a kid, I never knew what I wanted to do when I grew up. I only knew that I wanted to like doing it, I wanted to help people, I wanted to be important, I wanted people to honor and respect me. You know the typical glory seeking, help people, noble profession. There are a lot of things that I thought I could do, because I am so good at learning new things. I always liked to get an “A” grade. I will not fail, even if at first I don’t succeed, try, try, again.

Later, as I began to study engineering in college, I also began to realize that one, I wasn’t very good at it and two, I did not like the kind of work it was. I had entered engineering, because the work was concrete. And the mark one makes on the world is concrete too. I thought that I would really make some additions to the world.

Then part way through my second semester of engineering, after I had flunked a Calc II test, I had a meltdown. I cried to my friends that I need to be good at what I do; I’ve done everything and only been, well, mediocre; granted, I got good grades, but that does not make me good. I certainly will not be making any additions to the field of engineering. They all asked, “Well, Renee, what are you good at?” I replied,

“Art. People have always complimented me on my abilities, and I have always been amongst the top performing in my art classes.”

They said, “Do that, Renee.”

I returned curtly, “I have to be realistic. Very few make a decent living doing art.”

I do not mean to show irreverence for the craft, but I have to be able to care for myself. It would hardly make sense to get a $120,000.00 education to be an artist. So I went and got myself a philosophy degree (irony). But, I minored in art and further proved to myself that I am a skilled artist.

So here I am working as an administrative assistant, thinking this is not what I will be doing the rest of my life, because it is not what I do best. I do not want to be like my mom who never settled on a career. She was a Jack of All Trades and I do not think it served her well. But, that may be because she’s a bit A.D.D. too.

I have assessed many times what it is I ought to do. When I graduated Gonzaga, I wanted to go the Architecture school. I would still like to do that. But, I have become a bit disenchanted with it due to our friend who is an architect and does not really get to design. She is neck high in the legal paperwork involved in building. I would want to design churches or residential, and I think very few get to do that.

I think Architectural drafting would suit me well. If you had asked me in high school do go get an A.A. in Architectual drafting, I would have said never. I hated computers, because that was when they crashed every five minutes, and I was above an A.A. Now I think A.A.s are where it’s at. Although, I am very proud of my philosophy degree and I loved doing it. I learned a lot while in college. I may do this, but it’s not what I do well.

After becoming a mom, I realize how much little kids need their moms. Alexander loves daycare and does very well there, but it’s not what is best for him, or his future siblings. I like domesticity. I like cleaning (I blame my mom for hiring me to clean her rental properties). I like cooking. I like vacuuming. I like baking pies. I like meeting with other moms. I like learning about nutrition and yoga. I want my own veggie garden, chickens, maybe a dairy cow. I really want to learn how to sew, so I can tailor our clothes to hobbit size. And I still want to be an artist—a painter.

Andrew and I want to have a lot of children, so I will not have time to work outside the home once more come along. But, I think is important for an adult to have something outside the home apart from the kids.

I have hang-ups about all this. God forbid anything happen to Andrew, I need to be able to work and support myself and I worry that being an artist just won’t cut it. I think that is why I want to do architectural drafting, but that’s not my art. Also, I am not an innovator when it comes to my art. My only desire is to classically portray beauty. So, chances are I will never make much money.

So what I will do with my life is still uncertain. I feel as though my life is on hold while Andrew completes his PhD. I think IDEALLY, I would be a mom with a vegetable garden and chickens, and on the side I would be an artist. I will not worry about someday, what if…we need more money, or Andrew dies and I have to work, etc., because in the end, as I have demonstrated throughout my life, I am a capable person and if I need a career outside the home, I will go out and get one and probably, I will be pretty good at it, not the best, but pretty good; and if I need further training, I am smart and I will go and learn it. I cannot be an artist right now, but it’s like riding a bike, so the first chance I get, I will do it again. So, hurry up Andrew and finish this PhD, so I can be a mom and an artist.

Also, I want to point out that being a mom would fulfill all the job requirements I wanted as a kid...I wanted to like doing it, I wanted to help people (help my kids), I wanted to be important (I would be the main person in their lives to help them live and grow into competent adults), I wanted people to honor and respect me (kids do that right).

P.s. That's my painting in the green. See, I ain't half bad.

No Bloggin Allowed

I have been wanting to blog forever. It's not that my life has gotten less interesting and therefore there was nothing to blog. Quite the opposite. Things are just really busy. It's the hot season at my work. It's football season. Not that the football coaches have more time to work with us. It's just that as soon as football season is over the the coaches have a one week window in between the end of their season and holidays and the time when they can start recruiting for the next football season. During that week they make time to come to our convention. So, we spend the entire football season preparing our convention and getting the coaches organized to come. It's kind of a lot of work. I think we could be better organized about it, but there is just so many little details. And then there is all the letter writing/transcribing I do for our executive director. So that's work right now-in a nutshell.

Today, I have decided not to take my usual 2.5 mile run at lunch. It has been the only way for this busy wife/mom/career woman to get exercise. I love it. It helps me get through the day. But, it hasn't helped me lose an ounce since April. The weightloss stalemate might have to do with all the ice cream and splurging (curse Andrew's insatiable desire for ice cream) . But, I have always said that I need to workout more, because I love food. I think that I am one of those people that isn't satisfied by just eating. If it tastes good, I want to keep tasting it over and over and over even after I am full. It's like I am O.C.D. for flavorful foods. I have been trying to eat slower and savor the flavor, since that is what I like so much about food and not so much the feeling of being full. Long story short, I am skipping running and taking a little time to blog.

I am doing a pretty bad job keeping up the house. Before work I shower, dress, make lunches, feed Alexander, give him a nebulizer treatment, change a nasty, morning poopy diaper, dress him, and take him to daycare (normal mom stuff). After work I come home, tend to Alexander, make dinner, eat dinner, do the dishes, cleanup the kitchen, put Alexander to bed, the evening usually involves laundry or some other household thing. By 8-8:30 p.m. there is still much housework to do, but I am mentally physically exhausted. I just want to veg on the sofa and watch T.V. So, not enough gets done and no, Andrew does not help. It's not a negative comment on him. He has his own stuff to do, although, instead of just dropping his stuff all over the apartment, he could just put it where it belongs in the first place. One of our big problems is we have too much stuff for the amount of living space. Not everything has a place. We could eliminate some things, but you know the old adage, "the minute you get rid of it, that's when you will need it."

In order to get everything done that I want to get done, something has got to give. I cannot spend less time with Alexander; at present, I need to keep working to support the family; I chose to neglect the house. I do the important things, laundry, vacuum, cook, buy groceries, handel the finances. So I only clean the bathrooms and sheets about once a month. I have to say this to justify the mess to myself, because the mess really bothers me. I shouldn't let it bother me, because it's not that important.

Enough griping.

This whole blog is just to say, I might be MIA in the blog world for most of the football season, until mid-January. It's just that time of year.

You Make Me Proud

Adam, I am proud of you.

I am proud that you were the kind of person that so many want to remember and honor your memory. I am proud that there are two races in your name. I am proud that there are so many willing to give up a little bit of their time to run a race and give back to the community.

It makes me proud that you liked to try new things. You were great at learning about people—all kinds of people. You were going to make the world a better place. At least, you thought you might try. You learned languages that others were afraid to try. You were a heart to heart kind of guy.

I am glad I got to know you. I am glad that you called me all summer long to gripe about your breakup with your girlfriend. I am happy you called me July 15th and I took the time to answer the phone. I am holding on to the last few things you told me. I loved when you tried to teach me new things. I loved telling you when you were wrong, because you were smarter than me.

I hope that you are praying for me and all these earthly souls. I need some Grace. I always need some Grace to soften my hardened heart. Sometimes, I think that we are all lost and will not be redeemed.

But, you make me proud. You make me proud, because you always acted honorably. You were not always the best at what you did, but you sought to do good. We cannot all be the kind of person that you get out of bed early on a Saturday morning to huff up a hill 5 kilometers, just so you can say, "I did it for Adam." But, you were that kind of person. You make me proud little brother.

Because Blogging is Fun

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A friend sent me the link to this blog. It is super hilarious for a Catholic. For the die hard liturgist, this one is for you. Or for any Catholic who wants a good laugh about liturgy, check this out.

Controversial – “If I Did It”

First of all, let me say that this day is one of the most joyful of feast days—The Dormition of Mary. It is the day Mary came to rest in the Lord. I honor you, Mary. Hail, Mary!

Now I shall proceed with darker issues, marring this day. This morning I saw an interview on The Today Show, with Nicole Brown’s sister, Denise Brown, and the publisher who is publishing O.J. Simpson’s book, If I Did It. The publisher, Eric Kampmann, said that he read the book and said that chapter six is particularly disturbing, saying that it is an obvious confession, describing the murder in chilling detail. O.J. Simpson opens the book by saying, “I’m going to tell you a story you’ve never heard before, because no one knows this story the way I know it. I want you to forget everything you think you know about that night, because I know the facts better than anyone.” Despite those unnerving words, it was Denise Brown who chilled me to the bone.

Denise Brown’s raw emotion about the murder of her sister and the murderer who got away, flooded me with vivid, lucid emotions about the murder of my brother, Adam. The vigor and emotional shutter in her voice against the publishing of this book was gripping. Because this murder was high profile in the media, and every minute of the O.J. Simpson trial played out before a racially charged public, the families of the victims are continously reminded and re-victimized. Denise calls it an instructional book on murder. It plants seeds in the minds of those who have the propensity to commit such crimes. Her convictions are true.

My brother’s killer committed suicide that same n. This fact brings to me closure. There was no messy, emotional trial. This man did not walk on enjoying the fruits of the earth. In fact, his final actions show cowardly remorse for his life’s actions. His family also feels the pains of losing a son. But, if anyone, murderer, or penniless, philanderer of words, tried to make a buck, wanted to write a book detailing my brother’s murder, I would be more than outraged. I would not be able to contain my rage. My usual genteel, diplomatic, disposition would shatter quicker than sugar-glass. It is bad enough that the few details I know of Adam’s death regularly playout in my head like some horror movie. What good does it do to set it into print—So that it may desecrate my brother’s earhtly life; and obliterate the emotional stability I have procured.

The phrase, “Rest in Peace,” is so poignant. Peace illudes Nicole Brown and Ronald Goldman. Denise Brown is fantastic being ambassador for the victoms. I do not comprehend how she can remain as composed as she does.

The publisher, Eric Kampmann, points out that the reason he believes it should be published is because it is O.J.’s confession. We can finally have the satisfaction of saying that we know he did it. The GREAT irony of the book is that “if he did it,” he is walking free, laughing at all of us. Denise Brown adds, we already knew he did it. We do not need the book to be sure of that. But, where is the remorse from O.J. in this book, Mr. Kampmann? O.J. Simpson and his lawyers put the American Justice system—the ideals we hold so dearly—to shame. His trial brought to light that our nation, society, legal system, we, are broken in so many ways.

That said, publishing this book will not make us, as a people, any better. It will, in fact, further corrupt us. To publish this book is not just taboo; it is immoral. There is only one thing that could possibly redeem this book, and that is if O.J. Simpson fully admitted to the crime and begged for forgiveness from everyone, the Browns, the Goldmans, the American people, the world. He should admit that he should be punished for what he did. And if he did not do it, then he is just sick. I do not know what is more sick: he didn’t do it and wrote this book, or he did it and wrote this book.

I know how the Brown family feels. You would understand too, if you experienced the sudden loss of someone you were very very close to. I cannot help the way I feel in this matter. It hit me like a brick this morning. Censorship! I exclaim.

Vanities of vanities – Your Answer Mr. Knapp

“Religion is the opiate of the masses.” – Karl Marx
I received an email referring to a quote from my blog, Standing in the Long Line,” in which I said, “Being self-deceived is never okay.” The following is a snippet from the email I received:

“I'm not sure if you have kept up with the most recent publishing craze, but there has been an abundance of atheistic writing that has come up in the past 3 years. Many of these authors argue that a belief in God, or religious belief at all is self-deception…Being a religious person how do you distinguish your belief from self-deception, especially regarding the insufficient evidence or objective knowledge of the many things that religious faith would have us believe?”

Again I claim, “Being self-deceived is never okay” including in matters of faith, religion, and God.

I never wanted to turn my blog into a debate, but when discussing faith, or merely being actively religious it is hard to not put myself out there into the public forum. That said, I still do not wish to thrust myself into a public debate in order to defend my faith. Therefore, if the following is not a sufficient answer for you, I am sorry. And not wishing to turn this into a long debate I will most likely not respond to any argument against it. I will not do any clarifying either. This could all turn into a vicious cycle for which I am not qualified to battle against. I am by no means an authority on this. If you wish to further your knowledge on this I can suggest a reading list of better thinkers than I. But, I hope to give a few answers here as to why I do not think that I am self-deceived by having faith in God and religion.

I have spent a lot of time seeking faith and I have found much justification for belief in God and it is far too much to rehash here. Nor do I require myself to go over the arguments frequently enough to remember how all the logic goes. Nevertheless, my degree in philosophy ought to be worth something in this matter.

I hope you will not mind if there are no concrete quotes here. This is not a formal place for me to write.

It is not a new craze to pose that religion is self-deception. Karl Marx did it. Rene Descartes, Discourse on Method, attempted eliminate God all together. Of course, he clearly stated that he did not wish to do that. But, he began his major argument with the “self” alone (“I think, therefore I am”)—this is all he could know for certain. Then he proceeded to prove other indubitable truths. But he had to prove that the world he perceived was not self-deception. He had to prove that the world does exist. For what it is worth, in the end, the only way he managed to escape solopsism and prove that the world existed was to concede that there was a God and a God that was not an “Evil Deceiver”. He had to admit he was a creature. For the rest of the story you will have to read Discourse on Method, Third Meditation. This is not the full picture of Cartesianism.

There are some very good reasons as to why to believe in God that do not fall into fallacy. Just because ideas pertaining to God are often intangible does not mean that it does God does not exist. The edge of the universe is intangible, but I assure you there is evidence that it exists. Likewise there is evidence that God exists. I will try to give only few reasons why I believe that not only having faith is not self-deception, but being religious in faith practice is also not self-deceiving. Keep in mind these are reasons that I believe I am not self-deceived. If you do not comprehend me, you will have to do the mental work yourself to achieve understanding of the concepts I put forth.

Great thinker and metaphysician, St. Thomas Aquinas, wrote probably some of the simplest and clearest proofs for God. They are not only true logically and theoretically, but can be the only answer in the practical sense. St. Thomas got right down to the basics. Not quoting him word for word, but generalizing his notion—he questioned what is basic that we know about the physical universe and life as we know it? Motion. Everything is in motion. This is physics (pre-Newton). Everything in motion has to have a force to set it in motion and keep it in motion. What set it ALL in motion? St. Thomas posits Pure Act. God is Pure Act. And then he waxes philosophically about what is Pure Act. Pure Act is that which set everything in motion. Pure Act is Being. It is also equal to the other universal transcendentals Truth, Good, Unity. The universe did not always exist, but in order for the universe to exist at all Being/Pure Act had to have always existed in order to put in motion all that we, mere creatures, know to exist. So, yes, Being/God does exist. It is no deception.

But perhaps, that answers nothing for you. I know I am no Aquinas. The above little paragraph, I am sure only whets your appetite. You will have to do further study on your own, and find an Aquinas scholar to help with any questions you have. Aquinas has some good proofs for why Pure Act equals Love. Love is the reason that it is important to practice religion.

Further on this subject, when I was a philosophy student at Gonzaga, I took a class on a novelist/philospher Walker Percy. He was a great proponent of semiotics, or study of signs. He said that he looks for the signs from God. He wrote a very good essay called, Why I am a Catholic, in which he pointed to the Jews as a sign. Conquerers have been trying to wipeout the Jews as a race and religion since ancient times. They have been persecuted, enslaved, massacred time and time again, and still they prosper. Historically, they are known as God’s chosen people. If that is not a sign from God, then it is some amazing, awesome coincidence. But, perhaps signs are not enough. They can seem rather childish, easily ignored and misinterpreted.

You may still ask me, “But, what about evolution? How do you account for that?” Well, let me counter with a question. What about it evolution is incoherent or inconsistent with God or the need for religion? The Bible (which is God’s words) claims that God created the heavens and the earth and man, and created man in his own image. It does not say that man looked a certain way; it does not say that man was always the same. Just because at some point humans may have been less intelligent and more animal like in are actions does not mean that we did not have souls—that we could not choose right and wrong—or that we were not stewards of the earth meant to inherit it.

This last weekend during the Liturgy the answer to your very important question dawned on me. “Vanity of vanities!” A great passage from the book of Ecclesiastes was read. I highly recommend reading this book over and over. The passage reads,

“Vanity of vanities! All things are vanity!Here is one who has labored with wisdom and knowledge and skill,and yet to another who has not labored over it,he must leave property. This also is vanity and a great misfortune. For what profit comes to man from all the toil and anxiety of heartwith which he has labored under the sun? All his days sorrow and grief are his occupation;even at night his mind is not at rest. This also is vanity.” (Ecc 1:2; 2:21-23)

I have frequented this book many times in my studies. It also seems to speak straight to my mind and heart. But, thanks to the brilliant priest and his meaningful homilies more light was shed upon this passage for me. He exclaimed that even the most generous, toilsome, selfless good works are vanity. Everything on earth, everything we do, no matter the meaning we think we are assigning to our lives, it is all vanity! It is all passing. This earth is passing away. Everything we create—great thoughts, monuments, legacies—it will all pass away. Therefore, it is all meaningless.

There is only one way any of this world has meaning. And that is, if it is for the love of God. Because, God is Being. God will always exist. If we do it out of our love for God, putting each action into His hands, for his purpose, then by definition God will give it being, meaning and eternal life. Giving ourselves and what we do over to God gives us all eternal life.
So, if all of this, earth, man, evolution is not for God, if there is not a God, then why. Why do we do anything, if is it all to pass away?

Maybe all of this does not answer your question. At least I have started a reading list for you. I think Journey from the Mind to God, St. Bonaventure, would be a good read on this subject: also, Aquinas Five Ways of God argument (pretty meaty, lots of mental arm flexing), Summa. Prima Pars. Questions 2-12.

As for my faith, it is unshaken. I feel more self-deceived being caught up in daily menal chores than I have ever felt in a day of prayer. If you have ever read the “Meaning of life” quote hidden in Spokane, Washington (which I will not publish, because you have to go read it yourself), then you know what I mean. We all have to live this life and we all have our duties, but it’s those of us who know the “meaning of life,” we, perhaps, can gain a little higher existence, no matter what we endure.

Danger in Removing Meaning

Andrew always tells me to check the garbage disposal before I turn it on. But, there is no way I am sticking my hand into that dark, dark hole to touch that putrid, rotting mess. Since I always do the dishes, I know that nothing is down there anyway. But, we had a guest visiting, who very kindly helped with the dishes. Unfortunatley, I was not able to keep track of things going in and out of the sink. When I went to wash up some dishes, the sink would not drain and I turned on the garbage disposal. I demolished the lid to a very expensive teapot (when I say expensive, I mean EXPENSIVE. It’s probably the most expensive teapot you can get that you would used everyday). To put it kindly, Andrew was very grumpy with me.

We have been looking for a replacement lid, which with expensive teapots is very hard to find. Anyhow, this weekend we went to a store looking for the replacement and Andrew inquired about the total cost of the teapot. When he heard of the total cost, he was grumpy all over again. I asked, “Are you upset with me allover again?” He said,
“A little. But, that’s all right. It’s just stuff!”

Mostly, I agree with this analysis of the situation. It does help our mental status to think of it this way. But, this mindset can be very harmful when taken too far (See Lancelot, Walker Percy).

Life’s Essentials:
Possessions are just stuff
Food is just sustenance
Shelter is just protection
Clothing is just coverings
Transportation is just a way to get there on time

But, with the human quotient these things are meaningful in everyway. Humans are meaningful in everyway.

Possessions – can be gifts from a loved one representing that person’s love; or it can represent something you did, or somewhere you went, a time that changed who you are; they show your personality—outward representations of who you are on the inside. They can define you, or control you. When they are lost, broken, stolen it can hurt you, because it is meaningful to you. They represent you, but they are not you.

Like our teapot, which we are trying to repair—it was a wedding gift from my grandmother. So, to us it represents so much. It represents our marriage union. It represents family and cross-generational bond. It represents all the years of sacrifice and hardship my grandmother went through to one day be able to bestow this memento of her love on her granddaughter. It represents all those good, relaxing times Andrew and I spent together sipping tea and enjoying each other. It represents the warmth and love of marriage, family and our lives. It is not JUST stuff. It’s meaningful.

Food – It keeps us alive, and it can kill us. That is meaningful enough. But, food can represent times you enjoyed family and friends. It can change your mood. It can change your health. It can change who you are. You can learn from food. It can be beautiful. Indeed, it can bring you closer to God. Thanking God for your sustenance. Opening yourself to God’s beauty and grace in all things. This line of thought carries through to clothing, shelter and all that STUFF that carries us away.

We must be careful to keep the meaning of the stuff, but to not be carried away with it. Our marriage is what it is with or with out the teapot. We will still drink tea and enjoy each other without the teapot. I know that my grandmother cares about me, even if she had not given us the teapot. But, it is a meaningful representation of love. It is a helpful reminder every time we use it. It is a sign.

All this stuff signals to us the meaning in humanity.

"I'm Keepin' My Baby!"

“Mama Don't Preach: Thoughts on Respecting Parenthood Decisions,”


http://dir.salon.com/story/mwt/feature/2003/05/07/breeding_reiter/index1.html?pn=1
What a poorly written, poorly argued article by Amy Reiter. I honestly cannot believe that this was published. Yesterday morning this article was featured on MSN.com. I did a little searching and was surprised to find that this article was originally published fours years ago. It is obvious that it was pushed forward because it is a controversial topic and because the article itself was extremely offensive. The gist of her article was to say that parenthood is not all that it is cracked up to be. Therefore, society should not pass judgement or put pressure on those who choose not to have children.

On her claims about the changing body: I have got news for you lady, your body was going to change any way. Funny thing, as you age your body sags, aches and changes into one that is horrifically unrecognizable—childfree you might be saved a few stretch marks. In fact, for women who do not have children they are at much greater risk for deadly, debilitating, painful diseases than childbirth will ever cause. Most can be avoided simply by doing what nature intended—have a child. Diseases that include, endomitriosis, breast cancer, ovarian cancer, cervical cancer (a whole host of female reproductive and endocrine diseases). Since your body is going to age anyway, you might as well have a loving, life-long companion, a bundle of joy, to comfort and care for you despite that your body is decaying.


On the physical act of giving birth: She discussed a few women who had complications. Yes, giving birth can be dangerous. That is why you do it at a hospital. Some of today's birth complications are avoidable. Caesarean birth numbers are way up. Part of this is in preparing your body and mind for childbirth with exercises, which have been proven to help. Part of this is because more people are choosing to wait way past their childbearing prime, which 16-27 years of age. But, also many women are opting for labor inductions, which increases your chances of Caesarean birth by fifty percent. Although, when it comes down to it a lot of complications cannot be avoided, but with modern medicine they do not have to be permanent like the urination problem that was discussed in the article.


On her claims about social life: Your social life is not over, only changed. Moms enjoy meeting with other moms and talking about family life. I don’t know about you, but I do not know too many people who are obsessed with being able to go out for a drink, or a ballet whenever they will. It is not as though that never happens anymore when you are a parent. It just takes planning—getting a baby sitter. But, I am sorry you, Amy, were inconvenienced by your child.


On career: Women used to stay home and for good reason. This society has become very unfriendly to the natural composition of family. In the past, all women were home, at least sometime in their lives, with the kids. Women had a natural sorority with other mothers—they had strong friendships, sharing child care and mothering tips.


While I think it is good for women to go out and seek the careers they desire, for many, there is an equal desire to have a family at the same time. It is difficult to juggle both, but a vast majority of women in America do it. In Australia, they make provisions for mothers with careers. There is extended maternity leave and parttime hours for mom’s with young children. Australia recognizes that the children will eventually go to school and will not always need around the clock care.


On her claims about selfishness: Face it. It is selfish to not want to have children because it might inconvenience you; because, you might have to think about someone other than yourself; because, you have to make sacrifices; because, you cannot do as you please whenever you want; because, you might have to share you money with another person. These are all very selfish unChristian views. I do not care if you are not Christian. Regardless of creed we are a caring, charitable society.


On her claims that you won’t be lonely: You will be lonely. Maybe for most of your life you can fill your days with work and friends. But, the fact is that most of your friends will start families and will not have time to keep you company. They will want to spend time with other families. Even if you maintain friendships with other childless people, will those people care for you and visit you in your old age, when you are unable to do as much as you used to?


It is also interesting the people choosing to not have children are some of the smartest, goodlooking, well-educated, well-mannered, wealthy people. With so many good attributes you would think you would want to pass those along not only to another person, but all of culture and society benefits from such people.


People who marry and choose not to have children are missing out. They miss out on making their mark on the future. Progeny carry not only your genetic makeup, but also your ideas, things you taught them, family tradtions. You will carryon in them. The Biblical Jews often tried to have as many children as possible, because that is the only way they believed they would live on forever.


The facts are that there are so many GOOD reasons to have children and sooner rahter than later. That is why so many people “preach” as the author would say. And all the author, Amy Reiter, could offer was a few flimsy, self-centered arguments (I mean whines). I do not mean to judge those who for some reason or another have found themselves waiting to have children. It is not always ideal, but it is important to someday have kids; and the earlier better.

To make a long story short, I think you, Amy, are in a small minority. And just because all your friends agree with you does not mean you are right. Most people become friends with people who will agree with them, that is why they are friends.


It is important to not judge your friends for not having kids. There maybe a deeper problem physically or mentally. Or, also because people make mistakes and it is not your place to tell them they have made a mistake. You can encourage them to choose better. But, I do not think it is okay to tell people it is okay not to have children so that you can have all the shoes, vacations and party nights that they desire. That’s empty. In the time those things will become void of meaning.

The reason you are here reading this is because our ancestors procreated. Remember that for our ancestors not having children was not an option. Not just because they did not have birth control (there are recorded ancient birth controls), but also because we need our offspring to survive as individuals and as a culture, society, race.

Dying You Destroyed Our Death; Rising You Restored Our Life

Adam, may His eternal light shine upon you.

Do You Believe in Signals and What Does That Mean?

today between five and six in the afternoon,
when Andrew asked me for my hand—

then I was thinking about signals that could not connect.
It was a thought about Andrew and myself.
And I felt how difficult it is to live.
That night was terribly hard for me,
though it was a truly glorious mountain night,
and full of nature’s secrets.
Everything around seemed
So very necessary
And so in harmony with the world’s totality,
only man was off balance and lost.
Perhaps not every human being,
But I know for certain that I was.
So today, when Andrew asked,
“Would you like to become my life’s companion?”
after ten minutes I answered, “Yes,”
and after a while I asked him if he believed in signals.

Quote from The Jeweller’s Shop
By Karol Wojtyla

Having Character

"Success is in the way you walk the paths
of life each and every day,

It’s in the little things you do
and in the things you say,

It’s not in reaching heights or fame,
It’s not in reaching goals that all men
seek to claim.

Success is being big of heart,

clean, and broad of mind.
Success is being faithful

to your friends, and the stranger, kind.

Success is in your teammates, your family,
and what they learn from you,
Success is having character in everything you do."

-Grant Teaff, Coaching in the Classroom

Standing in the Long Line

When I was growing up my mom always said, “Someday when we’re rich…” As a child I believed that someday we would be rich, or we would “get ahead.” I believed it like a child believes in the Tooth Fairy, or Santa Claus. But, it took me a bit longer to let go of this fantasy.
One day when I was still a teenager, maybe seventeen, my mom and I were standing in a long line at the airport waiting to check in to our flight. It was one of those pull your hair out, drive you mad, long lines. We began to get a little impatient and kept watching First Class passengers check in at the short line, which was not even a line, because they did not have to wait. My mother unhappily started in, “Won’t it be nice when we’re rich someday and we fly first class.” I turned to her and said,

“No, Mom, I have accepted the fact that I will always be standing in the long line. And I am okay with that.” It was at that moment, at seventeen years old, standing in a painfully long line, that I realized, since most of us will always be standing in the long line, I had to accept this fact, not let it frustrate me, get me down, and have patience with life; or I could let it swallow my good nature; or I could deceive myself by saying, “Someday…”


Being self-deceived is never okay. Acceptance and patience with your “lot in life” is key. I know why people do bad things. They are not at peace with the woes and struggles of life—they cannot accept that struggle is a part of life. The old adage, “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade,” is foolish. That assumes that life also handed you sugar and the other tools to make the best of the situation. Sometimes you just get lemons. So, perhaps it is best to learn to eat the lemons just as they are, bitter and all. Let that experience make you stronger and more patient with life. Perhaps one can even learn to admire the taste. You will not be eating lemons every moment of life. It will help you to appreciate the “sweetness” of life and so much more. And if life never hands you sweetness, at least you have become accustomed the taste of lemons.

This may seem like an awful way to look at life—to never hope for more; to not hope for the very best out of life; the pick yourself up by your own bootstraps American attitude. But, I have learned that very few people stand in the short line. That's why it is so short. If my parents, after fifty years, are not standing in the short line, I too will probably not be standing in the short line at that age. It makes life all the more intolerable to long for something that will never be—It is tragic to fail to appreciate what you have been given—always waiting and hoping for more.

The point I am trying to make with long lines and lemons metaphor is this: There is humility and character building in these experiences. I have learned that I do not need to stand in the short line to be happy. When enduring tragedy, hardship, strife, I know that the pain will not last. The taste of it is not so bitter to me. When I say my prayers at night, I do not hope to someday be rich, but count the tiniest blessings in my gratitude and praise. I am thankful I had food today and that I could pay my bills. I am grateful I have a safe, comfortable place to live. My joy overflows to kiss my husband each day and watch our infant son grow into a beautiful person.

And should I find myself in a situation like Job, in which this life of exile has left me with little more than a scrap of cloth to hide my shame, I shall bow even lower to the Lord God. I shall cling greater to every prayer and join every liturgy. Because, when this life cannot even offer me lemons, I still have my place in the universe granted to me by the Creator. That place is my own personal “short line.”

Flesh of My Flesh

Andrew never did write the companion blog to mine entitled, Seedlings of Hope. I just wanted to include what he told me that I found so profound and wanted to have recorded forever.

He explained to me that having child was quite a revelation, because he realized that when God created us in his own image, procreating offspring is part of God’s image. God gave us the ability to also procreate in our own image—a child of our own--a person in our own image. In having a child of our own we are fulfilling the potential God instilled in us. We become closer to God in this act. It helps us to understand better about God’s love for us, because we can relate it to our own love for our procreation.

This revelation is a rich one. I could probably go on and on about this. But, all that is important is that the ability to procreate is a great gift. It is a gift highly revered throughout the ages and we should remember that it is something to revere and not take for granted.

Confessions of Tedium and Strife

I guess I have been busy lately, but I would not say with anything particularly important. I have had a little bit of frustration recently with our family finances and with my work. I feel so ADD. I cannot keep focused and I think it has a lot to do with work right now.

The story about work – About eight weeks ago our receptionist got a divorce and decided to move back to Indiana where her family lives. Ever since then another secretary and I have been covering receptionist duties along with our regular work. That means answering phones, making coffee, taking care of faxes among other things. It is very hard to get work done when answering the phone every few minutes, which is why it is the receptionist’s job and not mine.

Then there are the things that regularly distract me from getting stuff done. Like transcription, every time the big boss, the executive, has to write a letter he dictates it onto a recorder. Then I have to transcribe it. He does this almost everyday he is in the office (three or four days a week). I have to drop everything right then and transcribe, because he usually needs it right then. And it’s not always mere transcribing. He’s an old Texan so he has all these old sayings like, “Too much sugar for a nickel.” That does not sound professional and sometimes he does not make any sense to me and I have to divine what he means and then change it. And then he comes back and tells me what I have written is, “Too much sugar for a nickel.”

Other things that distract me: Three times a day I stop and for 15-20 mins. I make a little “mommy made snack” for Alexander. I try to do work during that time as well, but I would say about half the time I cannot. Every morning I check my work email and my personal email. The personal email always gets me distracted. Or I will just go to check out the headlines on the internet, just to make sure nothing big has happened that I should know about. For example, in my profession, it is important to know that Coach Bo Schembechler passed away. Although, it is not my job to know that information. But, sometimes when I go to check the headlines I find myself reading the entertainment gossip, or surfing the internet. Sometimes, I am tired and zoned out from working fulltime, being a wife and mother and breastfeeding.

So here are some tips that will hopefully get me back on track.

Tip # 1 – If your work requires a lot of interruptions you are probably not going to get much done, i.e. being someone else’s secretary you are probably going to be interrupted a lot.

Tip # 2 – Write stuff down and finish what you are doing before you move onto the next thing. And if you cannot finish it, write it down to finish it later.

Tip # 3 – If you need to get stuff done, do not open the internet.

Tip # 4 – Try to take minimal breaks including bathroom breaks. I say this as I have just downed an 8 oz. cup of tea, a 16.9 oz. bottle of flavored water and a 6 oz cup of coffee, all before 10:00 a.m., which has led to four trips to the restroom within the hour. Why I thought that was a good idea, I cannot tell you.

Tip #5 – Don’t sweat the small stuff. If it’s been done wrong and you have to do it again, just do it and do it right. It’s more professional. Being professional, though stuffy, boring, and stressful, is the right thing to do. You have to have a little pride in the work that you do, whether you like doing it or not.

The story about the finances – Well, it’s a pretty simple story. Andrew gets paid a stipend during the school year, but he does not receive anything in the summer. We have taken on quite a few extra expenses since Alexander’s birth: Alexander’s health insurance, a second car payment and insurance for that car, daycare, and diapers. Andrew has not had much luck with getting a job and it’s been a bit frustrating. Now the money is running out and it’s time to figure out how to pay for things. We are taking Alexander out of the daycare. This should mostly cure our problem until the fall. Andrew’s job is 4 a.m. – 8 a.m., so it does not overlap with my job and he can watch Alexander. I think Alexander likes the routine he has at daycare and the opportunity to play with other kids. So, it will be a little bit of an adjustment for both Alexander and Andrew. Then we will need daycare again in the fall. That’s the stressful part. His place probably will not be open at the daycare in the fall and we have to find another place for him. It keeps me up at night, but I am sure things will work out for the best. I am just going to have faith.

Seedlings of Hope

Yesterday Andrew and I enjoyed a day of family togetherness. It was a cool rainy day. We all slept in a little bit. As usual, Alexander and I got up first and did our normal diaper, nebulizer, breakfast routine. Knowing Andrew would be very sleepy I put on a pot of coffee and Alexander played a little bit. As I was waiting for the coffee to brew I looked out on the back porch. It looked and sounded very tropical rainforest with the large trees hanging over our porch and the rain coming down so heavily. I became very happy. It reminded me of Washington, or Australia. I especially liked that it was not blistering hot Texas weather. It was a good day to sit on the porch. So, I woke up Andrew and told him that there was coffee and he had to come drink it on the porch. Andrew did not hesitate. He got up and poured himself a cup of coffee and joined us on the porch. We each read our books, sipped our coffee, or played with toys, respectively. We sat for a long while enjoying the gentle, peaceful, uninterrupted sounds of rain pattering to the earth. Then Alexander became hungry and sleepy with great urgency as he let me know. So, I nursed him there on the porch and he fell asleep in my arms. After a short while the coffee had created in me my own sense of urgency. So, I went inside and put the Alexander down in his crib. He napped for two hours. This gave Andrew and I time to just sit back relax and talk. We talked about how much we liked being parents and getting to know Alexander. We have had such a life fulfilling experience with Alexander. We think he has a good personality.

Andrew and I were discussing all these facts and I suddenly exclaimed that I do not understand people who do not want a family, or are hesitant about starting a family—have standoffish opinions about having children. Recently, I had a conversation with a couple who were not sure they were ready to start a family. Not that they did not want children, they just had the attitude tht most young married couples have these days. They wanted to spend a few years married, work a little on their careers, make sure they had enough money and so on. One major thing in their minds was that they could not see themselves as parents yet. These are all very common notions amongst newly married couples today. As opposed to sixty years ago when young married couples could not wait to have children and tried very hard to do so.

Initially, Andrew and I thought it would be best to wait to have children until he was finished with his PhD. I mean graduate students are not known for having the resources to support a family. But, we also did not want to wait too long. I think that many people would say that we have started a family too soon. But, that is what people also said about us getting married right out of college—too young, too soon. But, how can they know when it is the right time for us? I cannot think of a more natural and coherent progression of our lives. Andrew and I are very fortunate to be two very practical people. We were not caught up in a purely physical relationship nor were we struck dumb by fanciful idealistic views of each other and our relationship. Therefore, it was quite natural for us to grow up, become friends, leave our families and naturally assimilate into our own family.

At some point in the first year of our marriage, as our love for one another grew, our fears of having a child before we were capable of caring for one disappeared. Of course, not knowing what to expect, there was a little trepidation. However, now that we are amidst diapers and high chairs, we can honestly say that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.

In our conversation yesterday, Andrew began telling me that in having a child he realized that it is the most important thing you can do (I hope that Andrew will take a little time explaining this in the blog as he did to me yesterday). It is more important than your career or school. It is the greatest thing to be able to procreate, to love someone, to love someone who is of your flesh and of your spouses flesh—forever united, and to teach the young, to have a special bond, to change and add to the world with your offspring, and to do it now rather than later. If you wait until later, you may never get the chance. The sooner you add to your family the more time you will have to spend with them. So, again, I do not understand those who do not want children and, or want to wait to have them.

Needless to say, we had great day being a family yesterday.

The First Form of Character Building

Dear Sisters,

In light of recent emails from mothers seeming to need support, for that is what La Leche League is—support, I offer these profound words that I came across recently. After reading this I certainly felt affirmed as mother.

“In May 1995, Pope John Paul II encouraged breastfeeding in comments to the Pontifical Academy of Sciences. He noted, ‘two major benefits to the child: protection against disease and proper nourishment.’ Then he added: “In addition to these immunological and nutritional effects, this natural way of feeding can create a bond of love and security between mother and child, and enable the child to assert its PRESENCE AS A PERSON through interaction with the mother.”

Pope Pius XII believed that character building started at the breast.

So you see, my friends, as mothers, we have a trying road to travel, but we are already giving our children everything thing that is needed by virtue of the womanly art of breastfeeding.

I am a working mother and, as many of the working mothers can sympathize, there is a great deal of guilt not rearing your child yourself at home. However, we who have chosen to breastfeed in these modern times of excessive use of formula will find that we are giving our children a great deal more nurturing than we can ever know.

I hope all who take the time to read this will step back and not sweat the small stuff, but take pleasure and pride in this art we have mastered. I hope this helps you all in some small way.

Respectfully,
Renee
PAX