Alexander's Easter

1. Easter Dinner
2. Elizabeth (our God daughter) and Alexander in the background
3 - 6. Alexander and Andrew eating candy out of Alexander's Easter basket.
7. Playtime

EASTER

Please check out my friend's last two blogs about Easter. This is everything I want to say only better. Just click on the word Easter above. Tomorrow I will share some kiddie Easter pictures.

Battlestar Gallactica Junkies!

Woohoo! Season 3 of Battlestar Gallactica came in the mail today. It made my day, my week and possibly my month. It is just in time for the long weekend. I have not seen this season. I was left hanging early last fall at the dismal end of 2.5.

My boss came into my office and asked why I am grinning from ear to ear. When I told her, she began to chuckle and basically called me a big dork. Yay for Sci-Fi dorks!

Rain, Rain, Go Away

I would like to blog a while about my half fabulous, half flu infested trip to New York City, but I cannot just yet. I have to play a couple days of catch up at work, tend to household things, recover from aforementioned flu, and at some point find time to mind my religious duties of Holy Week.

So far, I have begun catching up at work and feeling better from the flu. However, I think I might need to take a break to build an ark, because Waco will surely flood in an hour or two and I will need to float home.

I could have used a pair of rain boots today considering the water is up to my shins. Our luggage from New York is "lost" and in my bag is a pair of boots pilfered from my friend's apartment, said to be abandoned. Hopefully I can enjoyed them before I drown. (Thanks for abandoning boots, Miss Joelle; I will appreciate them.)

Snow Day!

Here is a genuine picture of Waco, Texas from this morning (courtesy of Waco-Tribune Herald).

I let out a most annoyed and annoying groan this morning as I opened our front door to leave the apartment. I have become too accustomed to the warmth of Texas weather. After taking a moment to examine the car and I realized that my car was covered in three inches of snow, I flew back in the house and yelled to Andrew in a sufficiently crabby, nagging voice, "Where is the snow brushy, scrapey thing!" He was not pleased; I was not pleased! I found it and did the scraping, brushing thing. The roads were not too slick and I arrived at work only four minutes late.

Alexander was just precious with the snow. While I was opening the car door, he had to escape my grasp to go touch the snow. Then he came running back over to me to wipe it off his hand. He did not like the cold, messy feeling at first. Then when we arrived at "Day-school," I made a little snow ball with the remaining snow from the car. I put it in his hand and he crushed it. Then he looked up at me with twinkling, happy eyes. These are the moments that make it all worth it. If you do not have kids, you just don't know what that little innocent face can do to you. It really put things in perspective.

I am glad that his preciousness and innocence makes up for it, because I have to say, this weather really got to us. We turned on the heater and it must have dried us out, because we were all coughing, especially Alexander. He coughed all night and nursed all night long. By 5:00 a.m. I was tired, warn out and sore and I could not do it anymore. Andrew tried to help settle him, but he kept on crying. We are all very tired today. We still have much to do to prepare for our trip to New York and Andrew booked us a room in Dallas for tonight, which means driving late tonight. I'm sleepy already. It's going to be a long day, today and tomorrow. Pray for us to be patient.

Go Away T.V. You're Not Welcome Here Anymore - "I am So Over You"

I think I was a better writer in 2007. I went back to look at some of my blogs, though there are some mistakes, I found some of them quite profound and eloquent. I used interesting phrases and big words. I feel stupid now. Who was that writing on my blog? It is sad that I am not more eloquent now.

I must have been reading better books then. All I have been reading for the past three months are parenting books. Parenting books are written pretty simply (third grade level). I do not know if I am getting anything new or non-intuitive from these books. I am going to finish the three books that I have now (I have a thing about finishing books, even when I don't want to--long story) and then I do not think I will read any more parenting books. My sister gave me one called Parenting With Love and Logic. I will not be satisfied until I know what this book has to say.

Parenting is a lot of trial and error (and prayer), because you are dealing with young, inexperienced humans. A lot of parenting has to do with confidence in how you discipline (=to teach) and changing it if it does not get through to your child. Of course, I am no grand master at this parenting thing as I have fumbled through in the dark. (Yeah baby! I rock! Go Moms! You rock!) But, Alexander is still alive and well. I think that I have done an okay job with him.

I think I need more practice. Better get working on children # 2 through 8. I should read better books too. Step One: Cancel the cable. Andrew, I don't know why you care so much if I cancel it. You hardly ever watch T.V. I bet you thought this blog was going to be all about T.V.

Interesting

www.Godtube.com

Sexy Soccer Mom Hair

The Nun in Me

Well, I cut my hair short last night—real short. It’s a bob. I was attempting a Katie Holmes look, because while I know I do not really look like her we do share a lot of similar features: dark hair, big eyes, big eye lashes, long jaw line, goofy grins. I went to Great Clips, because I am cheap. It did not turn out to be such a cheap hair cut and she did not really do what I asked. I took in a picture of Katie Holmes from a hair styling website and right below it said to ask the hair stylist for “a wedgey bob with layers for volume.” So that’s what I asked for and she did her own thing anyway. One, it really is not wedgey at all. It’s just short and kind of boyish. She cut icky bangs in front. She said she was going ot frame my face. Why do stylists always want to do that to me? Stop cutting my hair short in front! I did not even know she was doing it until it was done. She tried to tell me that the cut Katie Holmes had was a straight cut bob. (She had given me an unattractive bowl cut.) I was really polite and said, “I think I really want it shorter in back," (to complete the wedgey bob look). It came out shorter than I intended, but I can work with it. After some styling this morning it is more Katie Holmes-esque. It will grow out pretty cute. It’s pretty cute today anyway. I got the name of a stylist who guarantees a wedgey bob—next time! I was just hoping to look really chic and sexy for our trip to the Big Apple next week. I think I look like an adorable, soccer mom. C’est la vie. Est ce ce que vous obtenez quand vous êtes bon marché. (That is what you get when you are cheap. Although, Bon Marche literally translates as "good buy" and this was not a good buy.) I will try to provide a picture for those who are curious.

The blog helps me get annoying thoughts out of my mind—like an obsession to get a chic, wedgey bob. I should have blogged about it, then maybe I would have not gone to Great Clips...Na, just kidding my cheapness will not go away. Even when I was a little kid I was cheap. I remember doing all sorts of weird cheap things. It is not that I am afraid to spend money. I will spend with glee. I just have to feel like I am not spending too much while I do it. Or, I have to know that I “need” it and not “want” it.

I think what created “Cheap Renee” was my second grade year in school. I went to a poor Catholic school and my grandmother moved in with our family. The Catholic school was run by nuns and they had all grown up in the Great Depression Era. The principal, Sister Katherine Mary, was over six foot tall. She grew up with six siblings all large/tall girls. Needless to say, feeding six large girls during the Great Depression was an impossible feat. They went hungry a lot and eventually their parents shipped them all off to convents just so they could be fed (probably not just to be fed, but that was a major factor). Sister Katherine Mary taught us all a lot about appreciating what you have and not wasting. No student could leave the lunch room without finishing their entire lunch. There was very little waste. After the Thanksgiving holiday she collected turkey carcasses from parishioners and the students’ families. She and the other nuns would pick meat off the bones, so they had meat and again, no waste.

While Sister Katherine Mary was making a huge impression on me, my grandmother, who also grew up in the Great Depression, moved in with my family. The way she lived and acted and the lessons she taught us were very similar. She taught me to only take what I needed and not anything more. Combined these two women taught me to never ask for more, because I did not need it; I have so many things and blessings. It is very easy to live happily on very little. It is very hard to want much and have much. I could go on and on about these lessons on need and want. The point is, there is a little voice in the back of my head saying, “You don’t need it.” and, “Less is simpler.” "Don't spend too much." Simplicity is one of the ways to get closer to God.

Don't Be An Obamican and Other Things I Thought about on My Walk

Words I heard on the Laura Ingram Radio Show:

In reference to William F Buckley who died yesterday – may I say, before yesterday I knew nothing about him; after listening to prominent people and his friends talk about him, I am totally sad about his death and my ignorance.

Words on W.F. Buckley
Élan – vigorous spirit or enthusiasm
Brio – enthusiastic vigor

In reference to republicans voting for Barack Obama – who I personally think is the most evil of all candidates in the current presidential election, because all of his positions are in complete opposition on issues most important to me.

(He also reminds me of the grade school student council president candidate who promises ice cream at lunch every day, five more minutes for every recess and a real python for the school mascot. These empty, unrealistic, promises never come to fruition. They are stomped on by administration. He becomes the most non-functional, non-active president the school has ever seen and finally the student council becomes disbanded. Scary. Don't be an Obamican! A republican who votes for Obama.)

Back to the word…
Hegemonic – preponderant influence

You will clearly understand this word:

Recession – Just do not make new debts and keep paying old ones! Keep working hard in your job and take another one if you need it. Mmhm, that's what I think we all need.

We are modern-day Rome. Although, the U.S.A. is no where near as great as Rome. Rome fell. We will fall. We should move back to being an agrarian society. I totally want to be a subsistence farmer. But, I have no idea how to do this. Plus, it would take the purchase of land. That would take money. Money is something I do not have. By the time I have money, I might be too old to start a farm. I wonder if I found an unoccupied piece of land in the middle of no where (with a water source of course) if I could occupy it without paying for it and without anyone noticing. Whatever happened to the Homestead Act? I would totally do it organic and eco-friendly. I should go join the Amish. Too bad they're not Catholic.

I thought about other things on my walk, too many to share. It was a mentally productive walk.

A Little Disheartened

Erg! I am tired of sickness. I have been out of work half this week Andrew's been sick. Alexander's been sick. I have been sick for two and a half months straight. I am not kidding. It all started with a visit to my grandfather. He was apparently sick, which he announced after we already stayed with him a day. I pretty sure he made me sick. It turned into a long standing respiratory infection. I finally went to the doctor two weeks ago. He gave me steroids, which helped a little. They made me crazy. I finally felt like I was getting over it Monday. Then Andrew or maybe it was Alexander, gave me some new undesireable ailment. Blast this fickle cold and flu season!

Further, my uncle Patrick died last weekend. I am quite sad about this. He was closest in age to my Dad. My Dad and he were good friends when they were growing up. Dad is very depressed about this. He is currently in Australia attending his funeral. Uncle Pat had five kids and a loving wife. He had a great sense of humor, even though it was a bit off color. He was very sick in the end. He died of cancer. He will be missed. I feel really bad for my cousins (his children), who are all around my age, because they will really miss their Dad. Please say a prayer for the consolation of his family and the repose of his soul.

May His eternal light shine upon him.

Appreciation of Old Friends

Per our discussion, this Blog is for you.



It was great to talk to you last night. It made me so happy. Thanks for sharing your recipe and all your dreams for the future. You sound like you support your husband the way I support Andrew. "Whatever will make you happy dear, let's do it." Even if that changes everyday. It sure helps that their ideas are very creative and worth trying.



Thanks for being a good friend and giving good advice. I praised God first thing when I woke up this morning. My mother in law told me she prayed for God to give us a good day and I think for the most part it is working. I pray for a double good day for you and my in-laws and Andrew (always for Andrew).



Alexander is another story. Andrew and I just need to have patience. He is quite a handful. I think we are blessed with a "high need," intelligent child. We need to "channel" him positively. His smile makes up for any trouble he gives us.

ENOUGH

Alexander totally put me in a bad mood. It really makes me sad. He spent the whole morning throwing fits and crying. We were just not giving him what he wanted (I am not sure what he wanted). Then when we arrived at daycare, he walked in with a new attitude; walked over to one of the care providers, who has been gone two weeks, because she was sick, and he was extremely happy to see her; he gave her a loving hug and was ready for his day. I felt my heart drop a little and felt a little depressed. He spent the whole morning at home being angry with me and then lovingly hugged a caretaker who he has not seen for a while.

(I am trying to not take offense to this. He is 15 months old and his emotions are not entirely rational. Not to mention that none of us are morning people. It takes us all some time to wake up and be ready to interact with other people. )

I went to hang up his bag, then on my way out I peered into his room again gave him a smile and a wave and he returned it. His little face beamed. This warmed my heart again. However, as a mother who would like to be actually raising my child, this was not a good morning. Further, when he has me around and he gets the love and attention he wants from me, he seems better behaved. I am sure that our son is getting the care he needs, but it chills me that he is getting it from someone else. Apparently, motherly love is for sale and I stepped up and bought my son some good, bargain, tender, loving, care. I am angry about this.

Andrew said to me last night, "I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel." He was referring to his PhD program. This morning in the car on the way to work, I heard the echo of his words in my mind. I was attempting to use these words to comfort myself in my sadness about not being there for Alexander. However, it did not completely work. How long can I wait to properly mother Alexander? How much will it effect him if he is going on 4 years old when he finally has me around? He will not technically be my child. He will be a product of us and the people from daycare. It is weeks like these that I just want to quit this job and be a mother. (Of course, it would be a sticky situation to pay the bills.)

Sometimes both Andrew and I want to say, ENOUGH! We're done here! Our goal is to go back to live close to his family, because there, we believe that we have a good and loving support system. Is staying here any longer going to help us reach our goal? Sometimes we think that we have chose wrongly by leaving and going into debt to chase this dream. "Hindsight is 20/20." Although, I am not sure that we could have known what we were missing until we left it. We also had something to prove to ourselves.

I have hope for the future, but I know that the end of the tunnel is at least a year and a half away, more likely longer, two. I do not want to get in the habit of living only for what we may have in the future. I may miss out on today. I am glad that Andrew can now see the light. This is a hopeful sign for all.

Alexander Update

Age: 14 months 3 weeks (Baby/Toddler).

Height: 29 1/2 inches (short).

Head circumference: 19 inches (mighty).

Weight: 21 lbs. (practically perfect in every way).

Temperament: Frequently grouchy, pushy, cuddly, still gets the giggles.

Likes: Still Elmo's World, Veggie Tales Sing-A-Long, 123 Count With Me (DVDs); climbing everything; petting the kitty; trying mommy's food (even wasabi peas); peach juice; milk (all forms); being in arms of parents; going outdoors.

Dislikes: Funny textured food; not getting his own way; diaper changing.

Interesting: Strokes his belly when his shirt is off.

Activities: Playing with kids his own age at daycare. Gets into everything.

He still has a nebulizer treatment everyday to help prevent asthma trouble. He goes to bed at 8:00 pm with no fussing or fight. He wakes up in the middle of the night, and because his parents are too tired to soothe him and put him back in the crib, he comes to bed with his parents.

Future occupation: possibly a musician - showing early signs of rhythm.

Enjoy the update.

Bad Habits

I am glad it is Lent. I am working on my bad habits. But, today I am realizing that I have way too many. I don't know if I am having perfectionist thoughts, which are simply unattainable or if I am being totally realist about my faults.

I have such scattered thoughts. I constantly check websites that I have no business checking while at work. Everyday I check gofugyourself.com. It is a blog with hilarious commentary on bad celebrity fashion. I also check other friends blogs daily. (Zane, I check yours everyday even though you have not written anything since October. I am just hoping one day you might have time to give us another nugget of gold...here's hoping you do well on your orals.)

In other bad internet habits, I read the headliner stories on MSN every morning; look up products on amazon.com and add them to my wishlist; read babycenter.com updates; check my bank accounts; do anything to avoid starting the day. To make some excuse of it, my boss is way behind, so, I keep myself looking busy so I don't get too far ahead of her.

Fortunately, Lent is helping with my overeating habit and my bad, bad sweet tooth. I emphasize helping, because I must admit to not being perfect. All year round I struggle to be good in my eating habits, yet suddenly, because it's Lent and it is for God, I have self-control. This is totally blowing me away. I am seriously asking myself why I could not do this all year round for God. This question is seriously perplexing me. I think I might have to make it all the way through Lent to figure this one out. For the past two days there have been chocolates in the candy dish at the receptionist desk at my work. As I have watched them disappear, with alarming speed, I have turned my nose up at them. "Who are you?! and what have you done with Renee?"

Another extremely bad habit is not making the effort to pray--pray without ceasing--and pray with the family.

This brings me to the prayers on my heart now. Most importantly, please pray for my uncle. He is in a coma right now, battling critical illness. We are unsure of his future. He has a family who needs him. We are hoping for a full recovery. Please also pray for Andrew and I, for our souls to change, for our black stains to come clean, for our vanities to cease.

Meandering Thoughts on a Friday Morning

I think I have insomnia. Alexander slept through the night last night, but I didn't! I really haven't slept the night through since he was born. But, co-sleeping has helped me get enough sleep. In the last two months we have been trying to get Alexander to sleep the in his crib the whole night, on account of that he tries to nurse all night long. You would too if you were sleeping with your most favorite food right next to your mouth. Anyhow, he usually wakes up at some point in the night and sleeps with us for part of the night. Some nights it's more others it's less. But, all this waking up in the night has conditioned me to wake up a lot. Now, I am having trouble going back to sleep once I wake up. I better get used to it if I am going to have a few kids.

Most of the time, I eat right and exercise, so these things should help me to sleep better. But, I drink one cup of coffee every morning and sometimes tea at night. I should probably cut out the caffeine to see if that helps. But, I can't!!! Because, I am awake half the night (of my own accord, not baby related), so I need my morning cup-a-Joe, my little pick-me-up. I need it I tell you. Several times in the last couple of months I have skipped that cup of coffee only to develop a headache in the afternoon, followed by a delicious cup of coffee to cure it. Ooh! it's a vicious cycle!

It might not be the coffee. It might be hormones. In that case, what do I do?

On another topic, Great Fast has begun. Andrew and I are trying to stick as close to traditional Great Fast as possible. That means no meat, no dairy, no sweets for the entirety of Lent, except for Sundays, and strict fast (1 1/2 meals on Monday, Wednesday, Friday). We have done pretty well this week. We could probably do a little better. We have not increased are family prayer time yet, which we really need to do, because it is almost nothing right now (four prayers together, that's it). What is all this fasting really worth if prayer and good works do not increase with it? This time is meant to bring us closer to God and make our souls holy.

We will also be breaking Great Fast's strict rules during Spring Break, when we go to New York, because it will be too difficult to adhere, since we will not be at home in our own kitchen. We will likely try to keep some of the tradition. We will probably eat meat some days during the week. But, we will try to keep to the 1 1/2 meals on Monday, Wednesday, Friday.

For some reason, because it is Lent and I psyched myself up for this for a couple of weeks beforehand, I think that it has been a little bit easier mentally to say, no, to the things I cannot have. There have been candies, brownies and meat at my work and I have turned away from them. I saw an ice cream cup in the freezer the other night and I wanted to eat it very bad. I kept thinking about it all evening long. But, somehow I resisted the temptation, which is not at all like me. So, perhaps God is working in my heart. Truly, if you had ever spent a day in my shoes, you would know that resisting that ice cream in my freezer and those brownies at work was a miracle. Perhaps this is the beginning a new and holier Renee. At one point in my life I was sure I was doing what was holy. During this Lenten time may God grant me the grace to come closer to holiness. I'll let you know how it goes.

Happiness

Why do all the things I want to blog about come from the Today Show?

On the Today Show this morning they had a little segment on the Pursuit Happiness and Mid-life crises. What they were saying was not all that important to me, until in the final moments of the segment a rabbi from the panel they were interviewing piped up and said, "Happiness is a by-product of having a sense of purpose in one's life." I was struck. I never thought of it that way before. The rabbi also went out of her way, talking over other panelists, to point out that happiness is a pursuit, a continuous pursuit, and not necessarily something that you can attain permanently, but something that you are constantly pursue. This is all very interesting to me.

I have to admit that right now I am "sitting upon a high horse" in this matter, because I do believe that I am happy. If you told me that from this point on I would continue living life just as it is now until death (baby, husband, job, friends), it would not decrease my happiness. Sure, there are some aspects of my life that are not ideal, but I really have no problems with how things are.

That being said, I think that a lot of happiness has to do with how you think about life and your thrown-ness. Granted, there are physiological factors, but I know a person who has been in extreme pain for a majority of her life and she is happy. The key to her happiness is that she has purpose in her life and in her pain and this has been her source a paramount joy. She is a true inspiration to all. Even in the midst of great suffering can be found great joy. ("The Light of Love, My Angel Shall Go Before Thee," by Patricia Devlin.)

More about how you think about it: I wrote an essay in college about John Locke's arguments against slavery. His position was that no man can own another man, because there is no way that any man could possess the "self" of another man (one might think one owns a man, but it is only captivivty of his body, you cannot own "the man"). In that sense, you possess and control everything interior to yourself. Everything that makes you, you is in your possession and your control. It is your choice to be happy or unhappy about what you have. But the key is that you own that--your happiness. Going back to having a sense of purpose and that creating happiness, it correlates to that which makes you happy is immaterial.

You may be thinking, no, I think that if I had an IPOD to listen to my happy music, that would make me happy. A material thing, IPOD, would make me happy. But, I would then ask what about that material thing makes you happy? Is it that the IPOD has distracted your mind from the fact that your life has no purpose. Or is it that the music makes you feel better about your status of your life (e.g. the song is about your boyfriend leaving you and you get revenge. You feel happy about the song because, a.) your boyfriend left you and you feel like the singer feels, therefore, you have someone who you can identify with and this makes you feel like you are not alone in your pain. b.) you take this as encouragement to take revenge and you make the ex-boyfriend hurt like you hurt and this makes you feel better because the ex-boyfriend now identifies with your pain. c.) the beat and melody of the song calms or invigorates you and you receive physiological endorphins.) But, then you take off your head phones and realize that you spent all this time listening to music and you have no sense of purpose in your life and have not made any steps toward purpose while listening to music. You put your head phones back on to drown out your sadness and life goes on, but you never really feel that secure sense of happiness.

On a final note, sometimes people don't feel happy because they are always waiting around for that next thing that they think that will make them happy, never recognizing that happiness that they have already attained.

This all of course does not take into account depression caused by a chemical inbalance. But, nobody knows whats inside of you, or how you feel. That is in your control too. You can have hope to get well, so that you can pursue your life's purpose, whatever it might be. The pursuit of your life's purpose, even in the midst of depression can bring you happiness. I know people who do this.

Okay, you can call me full it, because I am sitting upon my high horse. But, realize too that I was not always sitting here. I had to climb up here all by myself.

There's a First Time for Everything

Did you ever notice that a majority of things you do in life you are doing for the first time? First birthday, first car, first baby, first time you baked a cake........It goes on forever. A lot of the time you're just waiting for the next "first" to happen.

I was just thinking about not being experienced in certain things, namely, auto-repair. My car's in the shop and I was thinking, "Man, I am going to get ripped off, because I am just not experienced at this." But, then I started thinking that for most people they are not experienced at this. No matter how many times your car goes into the shop it will be a new problem each time that you do not know about--or perhaps auto standards have changed since you last had your car in.

Then I thought, a lot of life is like this. I keep seeing Alexander experience things for the first time and think how interesting and exciting his life must be. Then I realized that the same is true for me. Even though I have experienced much, still there is much that I am experiencing for the first time. How interesting and exciting life is.

Happy Birthday to me. It's the first time I am twenty-five.

The Startling Revelation – What I Am Going to do in My Life

When I was a kid, I never knew what I wanted to do when I grew up. I only knew that I wanted to like doing it, I wanted to help people, I wanted to be important, I wanted people to honor and respect me. You know the typical glory seeking, help people, noble profession. There are a lot of things that I thought I could do, because I am so good at learning new things. I always liked to get an “A” grade. I will not fail, even if at first I don’t succeed, try, try, again.

Later, as I began to study engineering in college, I also began to realize that one, I wasn’t very good at it and two, I did not like the kind of work it was. I had entered engineering, because the work was concrete. And the mark one makes on the world is concrete too. I thought that I would really make some additions to the world.

Then part way through my second semester of engineering, after I had flunked a Calc II test, I had a meltdown. I cried to my friends that I need to be good at what I do; I’ve done everything and only been, well, mediocre; granted, I got good grades, but that does not make me good. I certainly will not be making any additions to the field of engineering. They all asked, “Well, Renee, what are you good at?” I replied,

“Art. People have always complimented me on my abilities, and I have always been amongst the top performing in my art classes.”

They said, “Do that, Renee.”

I returned curtly, “I have to be realistic. Very few make a decent living doing art.”

I do not mean to show irreverence for the craft, but I have to be able to care for myself. It would hardly make sense to get a $120,000.00 education to be an artist. So I went and got myself a philosophy degree (irony). But, I minored in art and further proved to myself that I am a skilled artist.

So here I am working as an administrative assistant, thinking this is not what I will be doing the rest of my life, because it is not what I do best. I do not want to be like my mom who never settled on a career. She was a Jack of All Trades and I do not think it served her well. But, that may be because she’s a bit A.D.D. too.

I have assessed many times what it is I ought to do. When I graduated Gonzaga, I wanted to go the Architecture school. I would still like to do that. But, I have become a bit disenchanted with it due to our friend who is an architect and does not really get to design. She is neck high in the legal paperwork involved in building. I would want to design churches or residential, and I think very few get to do that.

I think Architectural drafting would suit me well. If you had asked me in high school do go get an A.A. in Architectual drafting, I would have said never. I hated computers, because that was when they crashed every five minutes, and I was above an A.A. Now I think A.A.s are where it’s at. Although, I am very proud of my philosophy degree and I loved doing it. I learned a lot while in college. I may do this, but it’s not what I do well.

After becoming a mom, I realize how much little kids need their moms. Alexander loves daycare and does very well there, but it’s not what is best for him, or his future siblings. I like domesticity. I like cleaning (I blame my mom for hiring me to clean her rental properties). I like cooking. I like vacuuming. I like baking pies. I like meeting with other moms. I like learning about nutrition and yoga. I want my own veggie garden, chickens, maybe a dairy cow. I really want to learn how to sew, so I can tailor our clothes to hobbit size. And I still want to be an artist—a painter.

Andrew and I want to have a lot of children, so I will not have time to work outside the home once more come along. But, I think is important for an adult to have something outside the home apart from the kids.

I have hang-ups about all this. God forbid anything happen to Andrew, I need to be able to work and support myself and I worry that being an artist just won’t cut it. I think that is why I want to do architectural drafting, but that’s not my art. Also, I am not an innovator when it comes to my art. My only desire is to classically portray beauty. So, chances are I will never make much money.

So what I will do with my life is still uncertain. I feel as though my life is on hold while Andrew completes his PhD. I think IDEALLY, I would be a mom with a vegetable garden and chickens, and on the side I would be an artist. I will not worry about someday, what if…we need more money, or Andrew dies and I have to work, etc., because in the end, as I have demonstrated throughout my life, I am a capable person and if I need a career outside the home, I will go out and get one and probably, I will be pretty good at it, not the best, but pretty good; and if I need further training, I am smart and I will go and learn it. I cannot be an artist right now, but it’s like riding a bike, so the first chance I get, I will do it again. So, hurry up Andrew and finish this PhD, so I can be a mom and an artist.

Also, I want to point out that being a mom would fulfill all the job requirements I wanted as a kid...I wanted to like doing it, I wanted to help people (help my kids), I wanted to be important (I would be the main person in their lives to help them live and grow into competent adults), I wanted people to honor and respect me (kids do that right).

P.s. That's my painting in the green. See, I ain't half bad.

No Bloggin Allowed

I have been wanting to blog forever. It's not that my life has gotten less interesting and therefore there was nothing to blog. Quite the opposite. Things are just really busy. It's the hot season at my work. It's football season. Not that the football coaches have more time to work with us. It's just that as soon as football season is over the the coaches have a one week window in between the end of their season and holidays and the time when they can start recruiting for the next football season. During that week they make time to come to our convention. So, we spend the entire football season preparing our convention and getting the coaches organized to come. It's kind of a lot of work. I think we could be better organized about it, but there is just so many little details. And then there is all the letter writing/transcribing I do for our executive director. So that's work right now-in a nutshell.

Today, I have decided not to take my usual 2.5 mile run at lunch. It has been the only way for this busy wife/mom/career woman to get exercise. I love it. It helps me get through the day. But, it hasn't helped me lose an ounce since April. The weightloss stalemate might have to do with all the ice cream and splurging (curse Andrew's insatiable desire for ice cream) . But, I have always said that I need to workout more, because I love food. I think that I am one of those people that isn't satisfied by just eating. If it tastes good, I want to keep tasting it over and over and over even after I am full. It's like I am O.C.D. for flavorful foods. I have been trying to eat slower and savor the flavor, since that is what I like so much about food and not so much the feeling of being full. Long story short, I am skipping running and taking a little time to blog.

I am doing a pretty bad job keeping up the house. Before work I shower, dress, make lunches, feed Alexander, give him a nebulizer treatment, change a nasty, morning poopy diaper, dress him, and take him to daycare (normal mom stuff). After work I come home, tend to Alexander, make dinner, eat dinner, do the dishes, cleanup the kitchen, put Alexander to bed, the evening usually involves laundry or some other household thing. By 8-8:30 p.m. there is still much housework to do, but I am mentally physically exhausted. I just want to veg on the sofa and watch T.V. So, not enough gets done and no, Andrew does not help. It's not a negative comment on him. He has his own stuff to do, although, instead of just dropping his stuff all over the apartment, he could just put it where it belongs in the first place. One of our big problems is we have too much stuff for the amount of living space. Not everything has a place. We could eliminate some things, but you know the old adage, "the minute you get rid of it, that's when you will need it."

In order to get everything done that I want to get done, something has got to give. I cannot spend less time with Alexander; at present, I need to keep working to support the family; I chose to neglect the house. I do the important things, laundry, vacuum, cook, buy groceries, handel the finances. So I only clean the bathrooms and sheets about once a month. I have to say this to justify the mess to myself, because the mess really bothers me. I shouldn't let it bother me, because it's not that important.

Enough griping.

This whole blog is just to say, I might be MIA in the blog world for most of the football season, until mid-January. It's just that time of year.

You Make Me Proud

Adam, I am proud of you.

I am proud that you were the kind of person that so many want to remember and honor your memory. I am proud that there are two races in your name. I am proud that there are so many willing to give up a little bit of their time to run a race and give back to the community.

It makes me proud that you liked to try new things. You were great at learning about people—all kinds of people. You were going to make the world a better place. At least, you thought you might try. You learned languages that others were afraid to try. You were a heart to heart kind of guy.

I am glad I got to know you. I am glad that you called me all summer long to gripe about your breakup with your girlfriend. I am happy you called me July 15th and I took the time to answer the phone. I am holding on to the last few things you told me. I loved when you tried to teach me new things. I loved telling you when you were wrong, because you were smarter than me.

I hope that you are praying for me and all these earthly souls. I need some Grace. I always need some Grace to soften my hardened heart. Sometimes, I think that we are all lost and will not be redeemed.

But, you make me proud. You make me proud, because you always acted honorably. You were not always the best at what you did, but you sought to do good. We cannot all be the kind of person that you get out of bed early on a Saturday morning to huff up a hill 5 kilometers, just so you can say, "I did it for Adam." But, you were that kind of person. You make me proud little brother.

Because Blogging is Fun

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A friend sent me the link to this blog. It is super hilarious for a Catholic. For the die hard liturgist, this one is for you. Or for any Catholic who wants a good laugh about liturgy, check this out.

Controversial – “If I Did It”

First of all, let me say that this day is one of the most joyful of feast days—The Dormition of Mary. It is the day Mary came to rest in the Lord. I honor you, Mary. Hail, Mary!

Now I shall proceed with darker issues, marring this day. This morning I saw an interview on The Today Show, with Nicole Brown’s sister, Denise Brown, and the publisher who is publishing O.J. Simpson’s book, If I Did It. The publisher, Eric Kampmann, said that he read the book and said that chapter six is particularly disturbing, saying that it is an obvious confession, describing the murder in chilling detail. O.J. Simpson opens the book by saying, “I’m going to tell you a story you’ve never heard before, because no one knows this story the way I know it. I want you to forget everything you think you know about that night, because I know the facts better than anyone.” Despite those unnerving words, it was Denise Brown who chilled me to the bone.

Denise Brown’s raw emotion about the murder of her sister and the murderer who got away, flooded me with vivid, lucid emotions about the murder of my brother, Adam. The vigor and emotional shutter in her voice against the publishing of this book was gripping. Because this murder was high profile in the media, and every minute of the O.J. Simpson trial played out before a racially charged public, the families of the victims are continously reminded and re-victimized. Denise calls it an instructional book on murder. It plants seeds in the minds of those who have the propensity to commit such crimes. Her convictions are true.

My brother’s killer committed suicide that same n. This fact brings to me closure. There was no messy, emotional trial. This man did not walk on enjoying the fruits of the earth. In fact, his final actions show cowardly remorse for his life’s actions. His family also feels the pains of losing a son. But, if anyone, murderer, or penniless, philanderer of words, tried to make a buck, wanted to write a book detailing my brother’s murder, I would be more than outraged. I would not be able to contain my rage. My usual genteel, diplomatic, disposition would shatter quicker than sugar-glass. It is bad enough that the few details I know of Adam’s death regularly playout in my head like some horror movie. What good does it do to set it into print—So that it may desecrate my brother’s earhtly life; and obliterate the emotional stability I have procured.

The phrase, “Rest in Peace,” is so poignant. Peace illudes Nicole Brown and Ronald Goldman. Denise Brown is fantastic being ambassador for the victoms. I do not comprehend how she can remain as composed as she does.

The publisher, Eric Kampmann, points out that the reason he believes it should be published is because it is O.J.’s confession. We can finally have the satisfaction of saying that we know he did it. The GREAT irony of the book is that “if he did it,” he is walking free, laughing at all of us. Denise Brown adds, we already knew he did it. We do not need the book to be sure of that. But, where is the remorse from O.J. in this book, Mr. Kampmann? O.J. Simpson and his lawyers put the American Justice system—the ideals we hold so dearly—to shame. His trial brought to light that our nation, society, legal system, we, are broken in so many ways.

That said, publishing this book will not make us, as a people, any better. It will, in fact, further corrupt us. To publish this book is not just taboo; it is immoral. There is only one thing that could possibly redeem this book, and that is if O.J. Simpson fully admitted to the crime and begged for forgiveness from everyone, the Browns, the Goldmans, the American people, the world. He should admit that he should be punished for what he did. And if he did not do it, then he is just sick. I do not know what is more sick: he didn’t do it and wrote this book, or he did it and wrote this book.

I know how the Brown family feels. You would understand too, if you experienced the sudden loss of someone you were very very close to. I cannot help the way I feel in this matter. It hit me like a brick this morning. Censorship! I exclaim.

Vanities of vanities – Your Answer Mr. Knapp

“Religion is the opiate of the masses.” – Karl Marx
I received an email referring to a quote from my blog, Standing in the Long Line,” in which I said, “Being self-deceived is never okay.” The following is a snippet from the email I received:

“I'm not sure if you have kept up with the most recent publishing craze, but there has been an abundance of atheistic writing that has come up in the past 3 years. Many of these authors argue that a belief in God, or religious belief at all is self-deception…Being a religious person how do you distinguish your belief from self-deception, especially regarding the insufficient evidence or objective knowledge of the many things that religious faith would have us believe?”

Again I claim, “Being self-deceived is never okay” including in matters of faith, religion, and God.

I never wanted to turn my blog into a debate, but when discussing faith, or merely being actively religious it is hard to not put myself out there into the public forum. That said, I still do not wish to thrust myself into a public debate in order to defend my faith. Therefore, if the following is not a sufficient answer for you, I am sorry. And not wishing to turn this into a long debate I will most likely not respond to any argument against it. I will not do any clarifying either. This could all turn into a vicious cycle for which I am not qualified to battle against. I am by no means an authority on this. If you wish to further your knowledge on this I can suggest a reading list of better thinkers than I. But, I hope to give a few answers here as to why I do not think that I am self-deceived by having faith in God and religion.

I have spent a lot of time seeking faith and I have found much justification for belief in God and it is far too much to rehash here. Nor do I require myself to go over the arguments frequently enough to remember how all the logic goes. Nevertheless, my degree in philosophy ought to be worth something in this matter.

I hope you will not mind if there are no concrete quotes here. This is not a formal place for me to write.

It is not a new craze to pose that religion is self-deception. Karl Marx did it. Rene Descartes, Discourse on Method, attempted eliminate God all together. Of course, he clearly stated that he did not wish to do that. But, he began his major argument with the “self” alone (“I think, therefore I am”)—this is all he could know for certain. Then he proceeded to prove other indubitable truths. But he had to prove that the world he perceived was not self-deception. He had to prove that the world does exist. For what it is worth, in the end, the only way he managed to escape solopsism and prove that the world existed was to concede that there was a God and a God that was not an “Evil Deceiver”. He had to admit he was a creature. For the rest of the story you will have to read Discourse on Method, Third Meditation. This is not the full picture of Cartesianism.

There are some very good reasons as to why to believe in God that do not fall into fallacy. Just because ideas pertaining to God are often intangible does not mean that it does God does not exist. The edge of the universe is intangible, but I assure you there is evidence that it exists. Likewise there is evidence that God exists. I will try to give only few reasons why I believe that not only having faith is not self-deception, but being religious in faith practice is also not self-deceiving. Keep in mind these are reasons that I believe I am not self-deceived. If you do not comprehend me, you will have to do the mental work yourself to achieve understanding of the concepts I put forth.

Great thinker and metaphysician, St. Thomas Aquinas, wrote probably some of the simplest and clearest proofs for God. They are not only true logically and theoretically, but can be the only answer in the practical sense. St. Thomas got right down to the basics. Not quoting him word for word, but generalizing his notion—he questioned what is basic that we know about the physical universe and life as we know it? Motion. Everything is in motion. This is physics (pre-Newton). Everything in motion has to have a force to set it in motion and keep it in motion. What set it ALL in motion? St. Thomas posits Pure Act. God is Pure Act. And then he waxes philosophically about what is Pure Act. Pure Act is that which set everything in motion. Pure Act is Being. It is also equal to the other universal transcendentals Truth, Good, Unity. The universe did not always exist, but in order for the universe to exist at all Being/Pure Act had to have always existed in order to put in motion all that we, mere creatures, know to exist. So, yes, Being/God does exist. It is no deception.

But perhaps, that answers nothing for you. I know I am no Aquinas. The above little paragraph, I am sure only whets your appetite. You will have to do further study on your own, and find an Aquinas scholar to help with any questions you have. Aquinas has some good proofs for why Pure Act equals Love. Love is the reason that it is important to practice religion.

Further on this subject, when I was a philosophy student at Gonzaga, I took a class on a novelist/philospher Walker Percy. He was a great proponent of semiotics, or study of signs. He said that he looks for the signs from God. He wrote a very good essay called, Why I am a Catholic, in which he pointed to the Jews as a sign. Conquerers have been trying to wipeout the Jews as a race and religion since ancient times. They have been persecuted, enslaved, massacred time and time again, and still they prosper. Historically, they are known as God’s chosen people. If that is not a sign from God, then it is some amazing, awesome coincidence. But, perhaps signs are not enough. They can seem rather childish, easily ignored and misinterpreted.

You may still ask me, “But, what about evolution? How do you account for that?” Well, let me counter with a question. What about it evolution is incoherent or inconsistent with God or the need for religion? The Bible (which is God’s words) claims that God created the heavens and the earth and man, and created man in his own image. It does not say that man looked a certain way; it does not say that man was always the same. Just because at some point humans may have been less intelligent and more animal like in are actions does not mean that we did not have souls—that we could not choose right and wrong—or that we were not stewards of the earth meant to inherit it.

This last weekend during the Liturgy the answer to your very important question dawned on me. “Vanity of vanities!” A great passage from the book of Ecclesiastes was read. I highly recommend reading this book over and over. The passage reads,

“Vanity of vanities! All things are vanity!Here is one who has labored with wisdom and knowledge and skill,and yet to another who has not labored over it,he must leave property. This also is vanity and a great misfortune. For what profit comes to man from all the toil and anxiety of heartwith which he has labored under the sun? All his days sorrow and grief are his occupation;even at night his mind is not at rest. This also is vanity.” (Ecc 1:2; 2:21-23)

I have frequented this book many times in my studies. It also seems to speak straight to my mind and heart. But, thanks to the brilliant priest and his meaningful homilies more light was shed upon this passage for me. He exclaimed that even the most generous, toilsome, selfless good works are vanity. Everything on earth, everything we do, no matter the meaning we think we are assigning to our lives, it is all vanity! It is all passing. This earth is passing away. Everything we create—great thoughts, monuments, legacies—it will all pass away. Therefore, it is all meaningless.

There is only one way any of this world has meaning. And that is, if it is for the love of God. Because, God is Being. God will always exist. If we do it out of our love for God, putting each action into His hands, for his purpose, then by definition God will give it being, meaning and eternal life. Giving ourselves and what we do over to God gives us all eternal life.
So, if all of this, earth, man, evolution is not for God, if there is not a God, then why. Why do we do anything, if is it all to pass away?

Maybe all of this does not answer your question. At least I have started a reading list for you. I think Journey from the Mind to God, St. Bonaventure, would be a good read on this subject: also, Aquinas Five Ways of God argument (pretty meaty, lots of mental arm flexing), Summa. Prima Pars. Questions 2-12.

As for my faith, it is unshaken. I feel more self-deceived being caught up in daily menal chores than I have ever felt in a day of prayer. If you have ever read the “Meaning of life” quote hidden in Spokane, Washington (which I will not publish, because you have to go read it yourself), then you know what I mean. We all have to live this life and we all have our duties, but it’s those of us who know the “meaning of life,” we, perhaps, can gain a little higher existence, no matter what we endure.

Danger in Removing Meaning

Andrew always tells me to check the garbage disposal before I turn it on. But, there is no way I am sticking my hand into that dark, dark hole to touch that putrid, rotting mess. Since I always do the dishes, I know that nothing is down there anyway. But, we had a guest visiting, who very kindly helped with the dishes. Unfortunatley, I was not able to keep track of things going in and out of the sink. When I went to wash up some dishes, the sink would not drain and I turned on the garbage disposal. I demolished the lid to a very expensive teapot (when I say expensive, I mean EXPENSIVE. It’s probably the most expensive teapot you can get that you would used everyday). To put it kindly, Andrew was very grumpy with me.

We have been looking for a replacement lid, which with expensive teapots is very hard to find. Anyhow, this weekend we went to a store looking for the replacement and Andrew inquired about the total cost of the teapot. When he heard of the total cost, he was grumpy all over again. I asked, “Are you upset with me allover again?” He said,
“A little. But, that’s all right. It’s just stuff!”

Mostly, I agree with this analysis of the situation. It does help our mental status to think of it this way. But, this mindset can be very harmful when taken too far (See Lancelot, Walker Percy).

Life’s Essentials:
Possessions are just stuff
Food is just sustenance
Shelter is just protection
Clothing is just coverings
Transportation is just a way to get there on time

But, with the human quotient these things are meaningful in everyway. Humans are meaningful in everyway.

Possessions – can be gifts from a loved one representing that person’s love; or it can represent something you did, or somewhere you went, a time that changed who you are; they show your personality—outward representations of who you are on the inside. They can define you, or control you. When they are lost, broken, stolen it can hurt you, because it is meaningful to you. They represent you, but they are not you.

Like our teapot, which we are trying to repair—it was a wedding gift from my grandmother. So, to us it represents so much. It represents our marriage union. It represents family and cross-generational bond. It represents all the years of sacrifice and hardship my grandmother went through to one day be able to bestow this memento of her love on her granddaughter. It represents all those good, relaxing times Andrew and I spent together sipping tea and enjoying each other. It represents the warmth and love of marriage, family and our lives. It is not JUST stuff. It’s meaningful.

Food – It keeps us alive, and it can kill us. That is meaningful enough. But, food can represent times you enjoyed family and friends. It can change your mood. It can change your health. It can change who you are. You can learn from food. It can be beautiful. Indeed, it can bring you closer to God. Thanking God for your sustenance. Opening yourself to God’s beauty and grace in all things. This line of thought carries through to clothing, shelter and all that STUFF that carries us away.

We must be careful to keep the meaning of the stuff, but to not be carried away with it. Our marriage is what it is with or with out the teapot. We will still drink tea and enjoy each other without the teapot. I know that my grandmother cares about me, even if she had not given us the teapot. But, it is a meaningful representation of love. It is a helpful reminder every time we use it. It is a sign.

All this stuff signals to us the meaning in humanity.