There's No Place Like Home

Aaah. Nothing like a cup-a-tea and a Vegemite toast. It's love in a brown, yeastie paste (that didn't come out right).

Today, a package arrived from Australia from my, oh so, thoughtful and kind, cousin Tim. It contained two fresh and delicious tubes of the unforgettable Australian delicacy, Vegemite.

It's the perfect comfort, breakfast, or snack. This brings to mind all that is good in the world. All is right in my world again. I really could go on and on about this topic, but I will kindly spare you the garrulity.

This Folks is What We Call Progress

This is me hanging out in my GU Think Pink shirt, taking pictures of myself in the bathroom mirror ( I wear this awesome shirt 85% of the time when I am at home). That is a 24 weeks pregnant belly. It's huge. I am sure I did not look this round the belly first time I was pregnant even though I weighed 20lbs more (I compared a 24 weeks picture from Alexander's pregnancy). The muscles are just not as tight.

I am pretty excited to meet little Cristiana (I was given a bassinet today. Other mommas can check it out HERE) I am not sure if I am ready for life to change all over again. I was just starting to get the groove back. But, who wants to live in a groove the rest of life. Otherwise known as a rut. No, things just would not be interesting and challenging without a little fun like raising a family. Enjoy the wealth of this belly.

Indian Cooking

In the past three weeks I have made three different Indian dishes: Chicken Korma (Left), Beef Kofta (Center), and Vegetable and Beef Samosas (Right). The end results were all tasty and well executed. I am almost done with this Indian cuisine cooking spree. After last night's samosas, I am almost sick of it. I will explain why later in the post. However, I will not be satisfied until I have made a meal using coconut milk. For some reason, coconut is one of those things that adds a delightful, delicate, comforting flavor. It's one of those things that sets off something in my brain. (Other foods that do this to me include, Bay leaves, vine ripe tomatoes, sliced, with a dash of garlic salt, soft Brie and wine. )

Growing up, it was always my mom's thing to cook international food. She made Indian, Chinese, Mexican, Italian, French, Irish and so on. Those were some of our favorites. She always took special care to procure authentic ingredients. She did not care if it took weeks to find the ingredients, days to prepare, hours to cook. It's her thing to think big, dream the impossible dream, and go outside the box. But, we all loved Indian food. My dad had a lot of Indian and Middle Eastern students over the years and after dinner at their homes, Mom was never afraid to get their recipes.

While I was in college, my mom and I were out and about in Spokane and found a book called The Complete Indian. I instantly had to have it. It has a recipe for just about any Indian dish you can think of and details on the Art of Indian cooking. Last month, Andrew and I enjoyed a dinner out in Dallas at an Indian restaurant. I thought to myself, I like Indian cuisine so much that I need to get out my cook book and learn to make some of these dishes, so that I can pass the experience on to our kids.

The Chicken Korma took half a day to collect ingredients, prepare and cook. It was a very meditative, contemplative experience for me. A lot of Indian dishes take a long time to make. That is part of the experience. Generally speaking, it's a very spiritual culture. Always when the scent of the aromatic spices hit my nose, and I know I am going to be quietly working away in the kitchen for a while, I feel the urge to meditate, pray and contemplate the greater things in life. It's a wonderful practice. I am sure there are other long process recipes from any culture that I could do this with, but currently the recipes I have that take the longest time are those in The Complete Indian.

To contradict myself, the Beef Kofta took no time at all. It took no more time than it takes to make brown rice (40 mins). I put the rice on to cook and commenced making these spice filled meatballs. I served them with broccoli and a cilantro yogurt sauce. The yogurt sauce was the perfect compliment to these meatballs. Andrew was quite pleased. Cilantro is his favorite herb.

The Samosas took the longest time of all to prepare; including the time it took to find wonton wrappers. There was a recipe for the dough to make the pastry shell, but I was not keen on the level of difficulty and time it would take. Further, I knew that wonton wrappers could be bought in the store and were the same thing as the dough. After a couple weeks of looking, I finally asked the right person. On Sunday afternoon, I made the beef filling and the vegetable filling and then simply put them in the refrigerator. Last night, we all came home together. Andrew, for some reason, was overly excited about the samosas and wanted to help. I stuffed the little packages and Andrew tended to them as they fried in the oil. Alexander stirred his own pot of water with green food dye in it on his little kid table. It kept him busy for the time we were cooking. When we were done he had a nice pot of duplo block stew. We ate the samosas with sweet chile sauce I found in the international food aisle at the grocery. It was another Indian food success.

With all the work put into this Indian food stint and how heavy the food tends to be, I am pretty much spent. However, like I said before, I will not be satisfied until I serve up a plate of food with coconut milk. Although, I am not limited to Indian food with this ingredient.

Sling: His Friend and Mine

I just wanted to share my little precious moment from Monday night. Alexander finally decided to give the sling a try since he was needing some cuddling and a pacifier. We cuddled and made dinner. It was a special moment.

This blog picture also features:
-My almost 6 months pregnant belly (Cristiana in utero).
-Eleri's awesome turquoise, handmade, sling (I love the pleats--an essential feature).
-Theotokos Icon from Poland (Feast of the Dormition of Our Lady tomorrow--one of my most favorite feasts).

Voodoo Magic? (My Acupuncture Experience)

So, I went to the acupuncturist yesterday. We talked a bit. Then after a while she started sticking the needles in me. She did not warn me, but I guess I knew because she started wiping spots with an alcohol wipe. It was odd at first, but also exciting. When she put in the last one in my foot all the points she had put in started to tingle. I smiled and said to myself, “Oh, that’s it. She hit the happy spot.” Then a warm relaxing feeling came over me. She turned on the space age, relaxation music and said I am going to let you relax for twenty minutes. So, I sat there relaxing, thinking about various things; no cumbersome thoughts came to me. It was just nice. Then she came back, we talked a little more.

Honestly, I was having an “up” day in the first place, but I don’t think it compares to now. Since the treatment, I have felt alert, relaxed and genuinely happy. I feel like I can handle life again. I really feel different. I woke up and did not have to drag myself around trying to pull it together. It’s an exciting feeling. I feel like I have regained Renee.

She said that she thought it could take three to four treatments for the full effect. I expect at some point this nice little high will wear off and I willing be begging to go back. I have an appointment for next week.

She also recommended a high quality fish oil supplement to stabilize the situation. She said that since these two babies are spaced somewhat close together that my body likely hasn’t had time to fully recover and the fats I need for my own brain function are being taken from my brain for the baby’s brain. In my own speculation, I had been sick all winter, and was still breastfeeding Alexander, and had just lost 20 lbs. So, my body may not have been ready for this challenge. It all makes more sense to me now, since this came on early in the first trimester, probably just six weeks after conception.

I will have to see where I go from here. I took cod liver oil before I was pregnant with Alexander and another fish oil during pregnancy, especially in the last trimester. Then I read an article saying that cod liver oil has been linked to staving off post-partum depression when taken after birth (for all my currently pregnant pals, heed this advice). So, I took my cod liver oil and never felt better during and after pregnant with Alexander. But, after becoming busy and overburdened with motherhood and working, my fish oil habit dwindled. Further, I tried taking fish oil and omega-3 supplements in the first trimester of this pregnancy, but they made the nausea worse, so I quit. The lady I saw yesterday said that I needed to take a higher quality supplement and it won’t cause me so much trouble. I have got nothing to lose but my $40.

Diagnosis: moody pregnant lady syndrome
Prescription: fish oil and needles
Prognosis: good to excellent, time will tell

On a side note, this week Fr. Timothy told us that our prayers were good, but to listen more and simply be with God. “Be still, and know that I am God.” (Just thought I would share, since I seem to be able to hear the homilies again.)

Baby #2 Update

So, now I know why they call this a delicate condition. I feel delicate. Wednesday night I deposited myself on the sofa with no energy to do much else. Thursday after my appointment at the doctor's office I went home and collapsed around 11:00 am and was pretty much unconscious until 4:15 pm when I woke up stumbled to the bathroom, but vomited before I got there, then had to clean it up by myself before the baby boy got home.

I went to see my midwife yesterday. My suspicians were correct; after being examined and tested, there is nothing going on that is out of the ordinary--it's all within the range of normal. But, unlike an MD she made some helpful recommendations. I almost blurted out that I have begun to distrust Western medicine completey (not totally true). At the risk of my ego, I did blurt out a couple of other things in addition to the pregnancy discomfort I have been overly emotional, crabby and depressed. Which is huge to me, because this is no time for me to fall apart when Andrew needs me to keep things together at least until he has finished the PhD comps.

After she explained some things to me, she suggested counseling. I simply said, I think I was looking for a more holistic approach. She didn't skip a beat and referred me to an accupunctist/nutritionist and we made the appointment right there.

I felt relieved. I was starting to lose it there. Usually, when I go to doctors and I have a problem, but still fall within the range of normal they say, sorry, suck it up and go home, it will pass. I want to say, hey, this isn't normal for me, I am miserable and my problem has not been addressed. So, this time I am glad she had an idea of an alternative. My insurance might cover part of it and she is not that expensive anyhow.

I was not too keen on counseling because while it might be helpful to some, she had already explained it was due to hormonal changes, and I don't know how talking about it would help hormonal changes. She said that they don't give pregnant women medications for this right away. I was not mentioning it to her because I wanted medication anyway. I just wanted her to say its a deficiency in this..., eat more this...I have long thought that a lot of these things can be helped via nutrition etc. Since, I managed to help other physical problems in my life via nutrition and exercise. I'll admit, lately my diet has been deplorable--high fat, high sugar, high carb, refined, enriched foods. And Wednesday I took a walk and barely made it through. I was having contractions and ligament pain.

I also know why they say that each pregnancy is different. I took for granted what an easy pregnancy it was last time. I think that the difference is because I am having a girl this time and different hormones go into making a girl, i.e., I think I am getting too many female hormones like estrogen, the same hormones that give a girl p.m.s. It's just a theory. I'll see what the accupuncture lady says.

That's the update...and for all my preggie pals, hang in there. I know it's not all peaches and cream.

BANNED!

Well, I don't know why I am so slow on the uptake. But, I found out why I can't find vegemite. The FDA banned it about two years ago. That is what my mom was told when she went to World Market to pick some up for me. It's not an official ban, but Kraft Foods Australia is not allowed to import it until they resolve issues with the FDA. And, two years later we're still waiting.

Oh, sure they'll let in toys painted with lead, but they'll ban vegemite for a little extra vitamins. Word is that they banned it for it's high folate content (that's a B vitamin). Duh, they let us administer our own over the counter vitamins don't they? Just slap a warning on the label saying to be careful and don't use more than this amount in one day. Urgh. My mom (mum for the Aussies) and dad have said they will attempt to acquire a large jar from our relatives in Australia. My parents are usually slow to accomplish such tasks, but a vegemite shortage is considered high priority. I learned that customs won't stop personally purchased vegemite, but retailers cannot import it.

Fun Vegemite Fact: In Australia, Vegemite toast and a glass of orange juice is a standard hangover cure.

Vegemite on the Brain Among Other Things

Need vegemite! Crave it! Love it!...vegemite toast and tea. vegemite toast with avocado and tomato, vegemite crackers with butter, vegemite broth...vegemite.

Where can a half Aussie, half American girl find a vat-o-vegemite? I have looked, but I haven't found any reliable sources of vegemite. Why has this delicious spread never caught on in America? Why do the Australians keep it all to themselves? Need it; want it; crave it. Full of delicious B vitamin nutrients.

Other Things:

Urgh, maybe it's nothing and I am totally being a wuss and need to take some acetaminiphen, take a bath and a nap, but I have had a lot of abdominal pain lately (increasingly more frequent over the past couple of weeks). Some of this should be normal and to be expected via round ligament pain and stretching out of the abdomin. But, it seems more than normal to me. It is definitely way more than last time. I am pretty sure that normal pains of pregnancy are not suppose to have you near tears and last for hours and days, even while I sleep.

This morning, in pain, near tears and starting to panic I called my midwife. She's not in the office today, but I talked to her. I am going to see her tomorrow morning. I had a regular appointment scheduled for this coming Friday afternoon, but while near tears it didn't seem prudent to wait to call. She said to go home if I feel I need to rest and if it gets worse to go into the hospital where she would meet me.

It's all subsided now, for the time being. I am now thinking that this is more likely to be something on the extreme end of normal. Like perhaps this is round ligament pain, triggering a muscle spasm followed by a Braxton Hicks contractions, or several contractions. All normal, yet all at once painful and concerning.

There is no other reason to think anything else is wrong. The baby moves plenty; no bleeding; no other signs of distress. Last pregnancy I became concerned about a lot of back pain. I didn't call the doctor. I used a heating pad and talked to her about it at a regular visit. She said it's normal, since everything is okay with my health and the baby's health. She said to get a weight belt to support the belly and it might help the pain. I never did get the belt. By the third trimester my back had adjusted.

All to say, this has been a concern to me, but it's probably nothing to worry about.

Litany of Humility

After being able to listen (quiet, well-behaved Alexander) to Fr. Timothy's Homily yesterday, I felt the need to pray this. It was a fire and brimstone, guilt inducing Homily. Andrew hates it when he gives such Homilies, because he thinks Father gives them a little too often. But, I think he does a good job bringing the scripture to light.

Litany of Humility(for private devotion only)

O Jesus, meek and humble of heart, hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved,
From the desire of being extolled,
From the desire of being honored,
From the desire of being praised,
From the desire of being preferred to others,
From the desire of being consulted,
From the desire of being approved,

From the fear of being humiliated, deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being despised,
From the fear of suffering rebukes,
From the fear of being calumniated,
From the fear of being forgotten,
From the fear of being ridiculed,
From the fear of being wronged,
From the fear of being suspected,

That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I,
That in the opinion of the world, others may increase, and I may decrease,
That others may be chosen and I set aside,
That others may be praised and I unnoticed,
That others may be preferred to me in everything,
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should.

- Rafael Cardinal Merry del Val

Byzantine Catholic Evangelism

(http://www.byzantinecatholic.com/)
I just found this website yesterday. It is also linked to a radio station in which you can listen to previous broadcasts and a beautiful CD of the church choir. The radio broadcasts I listened to explain something about Byzantine Theology and the Theosis CD will allow you to experience Byzantine Liturgy. It's great introduction to Byzantine Catholicism. It made me very happy to look at this site. The church interior is amazing. It definitely will turn your thoughts to Godliness. The picture I posted on yesterday's blog was stolen from this site. Check out the rest of the church.

Spitting Jesus and More Confessions

This is truth. I am being totally honest with myself and who I am. I have a still and semi-petrified soul. It is shameful. I have many good intentions, but my heart is not pure.

This morning it occurred to me that something was wrong in my soul. Before I drove to work, I thought I should use that time to say some prayers, something is better than nothing. If I say them out loud, perhaps my deaf soul will hear it.

When I started the car this morning, the radio was blaring country music. I turned it down a little. I shut off the air conditioning in the car to save gas. It was bearable, but hot. I started to focus on how hot I felt and kept telling myself it was a short twelve minute drive and I could bear it. I drove the speed limit and focused on traffic. I did not say a single prayer. I did not think about the Creator.

As I sat quietly this morning before I began my work, I remembered I had planned to pray in the car. I felt a restless aching. There was nothing there—no goodness, no virtue. There is something wrong. Lately, I have thought several times, I am, my family, we are lukewarm Christians. Like this excerpt from Revelations.

15I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either
one or the other! 16So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about
to spit you out of my mouth. 17You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and
do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful,
poor, blind and naked. Revelation 3:15-17

That is who I am and I know it. It has been a while since I have made it to reconciliation. It’s for no other reason other than I do not think to go. It is not in the forefront of my mind. I do not wish to reject God and I know I have sinned. I do remind myself of that, but I never follow those acknowledgements by thinking I should make it right. I must be choosing to continue to do wrong. That part of me that used to say, “Make it right,” is quiet.

Further, it is my belief that good Catholics ought to live everyday in the ritual of the Faith. That’s what makes it a religion. My family does not do that. We always pause and say, this is the ritual; this is how we ought to pray and conduct ourselves on a daily basis; and then we never do it. Part of me envies the Muslims and their obvious devotion to their faith. They pause five times a day and pray. They make outward signs and act with faith. It is the same with the Orthodox Jews and Orthodox Christians. I am sure they sin too, but at least they are not lukewarm.

I always wanted my future family life to be different from how it was when I was a kid. I always wanted my family to pray together at least once a day; and not just at the dinner table. Well, here I am with a family of my own, a husband, a son and a daughter, and we have not made any sort of effort to prayer together. I know that it is hard to get a toddler to sit still and pray with mom and dad, but there is no time like the present; after all, he is a full-fledged member of the Church too. It is because I have never made it my practice to act in such a way.

I guess this is not only a confession, but a resolution to make it different. I sit here with trepidation that I will not be able to change. My husband and I have resolved so many times to be different. We have made efforts that dwindle away quickly. I wonder how I will do it and pray that I can do it.

“Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on us sinners!” I am still a sinner.

Spitting Jesus

On another note, while I was looking for the passage from Revelations above, I went to Biblegateway.com and typed in a number of combinations of phrases including the word “spit,” because I couldn’t remember where in the Bible it was, or the exact phraseology. So, at one point I typed in Jesus spit. And the search engine came up with a multitude of passages containing Jesus and spit. Our God is a spitting God. Now, I know it’s symbolic. I know that it is supposed to symbolize baptismal cleansing. But, it is slightly amusing to see all these passages at once where Jesus decides to spit on someone to heal them, or talks about spitting. It’s such a graphic image. So, here below are two passages in which Jesus uses his spit to heal.

32There some people brought to him a man who was deaf and could hardly talk, and they begged him to place his hand on the man. 33After he took him aside, away from the crowd, Jesus put his fingers into the man's ears. Then he spit and touched the man's tongue. 34He looked up to heaven and with a deep sigh said to him, "Ephphatha!" (which means, "Be opened!"). 35At this, the man's ears were opened, his tongue was loosened and he began to speak plainly. Mark 7:32-7:33

22They came to Bethsaida, and some
people brought a blind man and begged Jesus to touch him. 23He took the blind
man by the hand and led him outside the village. When he had spit on the man's
eyes and put his hands on him, Jesus asked, "Do you see anything?"
24He
looked up and said, "I see people; they look like trees walking around." Mark
8:22-24

I Will Take Mine With an Extra Helping of Manliness

I heard on the radio that there is a new trend of manscara, man-liner and the man makeup bag. This story came from a Hollywood makeup artist who claims that increasing numbers of men (I assume all her clients) have found that certain cosmetic products can decrease facial imperfections while enhancing a manly appearance. AGH!

I really find it hard to believe that any regular man would agree to use anything more than the basics on his face. A man with a particularly bad complexion may be persuaded to use some sort of medicated face wash. Aside from that, I really do not think that any normal man has the patience to put so much effort into his appearance. Granted there are men that take the time and care to look nice and presentable, but that still would not include such adornments.

It is not a part of the manly repertoire to flower himself and paint his petals--he doesn't have any petals! Men do not use scented hand lotion (nor hand lotion at all unless his hands are chapped and bleeding), do not powder their noses, spend more than fifteen minutes in front of the bathroom mirror in the morning! The male hygiene regime involves shower, shave (face!), brush teeth, maybe some hair gel and if it is a fitting occasion some musky, manly, cologne. Anything more is frivolous and not a part of manliness.

The differences between men and women are wonderful things. Most men and women fit into some form of the male or female archetype and for good reasons. In part, we are anatomically designed to conduct our lives in such a way. Women’s bodies are designed to bear and embrace, to nurse; our visage rounder, sweeter, and prettier; our minds are designed to multi-task and have patience with nurturing, domestic activities (though not limited to such activities). Men are suited to lifting, hunting, gathering, protecting, have ample body hair.

A man who is more concerned with his own appearance than the ladies he keeps as company is not a gentleman I would like to keep as company. Even women who spend too much time readying their appearance I find them difficult to make my friend. It is the level of self-centeredness that makes it difficult.

I find it hard to believe that this is a wide spanning social trend. Just because some makeup artists in "the land of the beautiful people" managed to attract some clientele, does not make it a trend.

Wyoming in the Summer (For Those Who Don't Know)

There isn't better place in the world to visit than Wyoming in the summer. I am not saying that it Wyoming is better than other places in the world, however it is equal to any vacation destinantion. I will tell you why.

In July, Wyoming is not too hot. The mornings and evenings are cool and crisp; the air is always fresh, sweet mountain air. Every morning is greeted purple, pink and blue sunrises as the stars creep away. Every evening the sun sets over "the purple mountians, majesty," (the rockies) in saturated hues of orange, red and yellow.

There is stillness all around. You can sit quiet and still and not hear the buzz of a computer, or hum of passing autos. It's just quiet. The only noise to disturb the silence is the hushed whistle of the wind across the golden prairies. Sometimes the silence is so great that you can actually feel it with your whole body and soul.

Since there is no snow blocking the roads in the summer, you can go into the mountian and enjoy quiet mountain lakes and streams. The wildlife comes out to play. There is rock climbing both challenging and elementary.

At the end of July, in the state's capital, Cheyenne, they have "The Daddy of Them All," Frontier Days Rodeo. It's one of the biggest in the nation. There are all sorts of events. All the best professional rodeo riders come and all the best music acts (not just country). They have a carnival and lots of community events.

All this being said, I grew up in Wyoming and dreamed of the day I would leave Wyoming and perhaps never return. There are a lot of drawbacks to Wyoming, specifically if you have to live there year round. Most people who live there are quite happy to live there. Now that I am a grown woman, I know that I could be happy living anywhere. I heard a great saying once, "If you are not happy where you are, you probably won't be happy anywhere." Of course, that is in reference to geographical location, not life situation. Now that I am older and wiser, I know that that is true. So this last weekend when I visited Wyoming I appreciated it for what it is. Honestly, I appreciated it when I lived there, but I also focused on the negatives of living in Wyoming. You definitely have to be a tougher person to live in such a place.

My trip was perfect. It was not too long. I would have only lengthened it by one day. Alexander was a perfect child and so much fun. He thought traveling was a blast. Because my family was holding the 2nd annual Adam Towler Memorial Run, all the people who are important to me came to it to run, walk or help. I was able to talk with them at lunch afterwards. I did not have to endure the tedium of calling people and arranging visits and preparing myself and child for such visits. A lot of people came to the race and it went relatively smoothly. Best of all, some of Adam's favorite charities will benefit and his humanitarianism will be passed on.

It was nice. I was given a bite size visit of Wyoming and was able to enjoy it. Those are all the postives of my visit.

What's in a Name?

Andrew and I have agreed on a name for our daughter. It has reverberated in our minds for the past week. It has stuck with us the same way Alexander's name did. When we first named Alexander, I did not want to tell anyone just in case at the last minute we decided to change it. Or as I said at the time, "What if when we saw him and met him for the first time we felt the name did not fit." I am not always the most decisive person. I like to carefully ponder for a long time. I like to make the "right" decision for fear of making a mistake. Andrew is a very decisive person and makes decisions quickly and confidently.

There are no secrets in the Clayton family, soon the word was out about Alexander. The more I said it, the more it sounded right. It was also nice to be able to call our little developing baby by his name. When he was born, there was no moment that I said, "Oh no, this child look like a Charles." To me, he looked more like a blank slate--a little person whom I did not know, furthermore he did not even know himself.

And now without further adieu, we have chosen: Cristiana Noelle Clayton (what a lucky girl). Do not bother trying to suggest other names. We are resolute at this time. I will not say that we will absolutely not change our minds--nothing is final until we sign the paperwork. But, we are pretty stuck on this one.

"I have confidence in sunshine, I have confidence in rain, I have confidence that spring will come again and I have confidence in me!"

I must have all the right hormones today. I feel like I am on top of the world. I feel confident and intelligent, spunky and cute.

Andrew has been away for this week at a friend’s wedding. He is going to be in the wedding party. The weekend was a little lonely, but it flew by fast. The rest of the week has flown by as well. I have continued putting our new house together—little details here and there—putting big screw holes in the wall…oops.

I feel confident, because I have handled myself amazingly well. I mean I have been efficient, thoughtful and careful. I have completed tasks I set out to do. I have had social interactions without my wonderful extroverted husband. It’s often difficult for me to start a conversation (once started you can’t shut me up). But, I had lunch with a friend and a small impromptu movie night with the girls. All while being a good mommy and teaching Alexander new things.

Tonight I will venture off to Wyoming for the weekend. I am traveling with Alexander, a very exuberant little boy. He has already begun the terrible twos tantrums. I have to drive down to Dallas in crazy rush hour. I have had apprehensions about this trip and this drive. But, I keep telling myself that I have driven worse. I should not be afraid. Luckily, I feel confident today.

Wish me luck. Pray for me. I hope I make it to my flight in time.

Every Name Goes Well With Clayton

So here is a name that a friend suggested. It's a mouth full. I think this name says, "I am a woman to be reckoned with!"

Walburga Scholastica Clayton

A Name That Has a Nice Ring to It

So, I thought of a great name for our baby girl. It has a really nice ring to it. Seriously, say this one out loud. But, I will have to move to Hollywood before anyone finds it socially acceptable. Too bad I am not brave enough to give my kid a truly, unusual name.

Tallahassee Dallas Clayton

Someone Please Teach Me

I spent four years in college and part of me thinks that that was not enough. I find myself still longing to learn, but lacking the time to do so. Also, I find myself lacking teachers, financial resources and to some extent mental capability (or patience). As of late, the things I have wanted to learn most are practical skills as opposed to all the theoretical knowledge I learned in college.

Here is the list of things I desire to learn in order of practical importance to me at the moment:

Sewing – I need someone to teach me how to properly operate my sewing machine. The “User’s Manual” is lacking quite a bit in detail. I also need some lessons in craftsmanship.

For some reason my needle keeps breaking. It might have something to do with the tension that I do not know how to set properly, or the machine might need a repair. I do not know.

It comes up so often that there is something that needs to be hemmed or needs a custom fit. I sure wish I could fix the hem on my curtains and make some custom curtains for Alexander’s room. Now that we are having a little girl, she will need little bloomers to cover her diapers under dresses (Yes, this is necessary, because girls wear dresses and their diapers are not protected like when boys wear pants and the diaper starts to deteriorate before its time.)

I am torn though, because it seems these days anymore things can be bought cheaply enough that sewing is not a necessary skill.

Icon Writing – I view this as an essential skill for my faith formation and for the faith formation of my family. This is the mystical art of interpreting Biblical and historical figures into imagery through prayer, meditation, fasting and the use of tempera paint on wood. Everything that is done in icon writing has special religious and philosophical meaning. When finished they are intended to be used for spiritual meditation and enlightenment.

There is a place in Austin that I can learn this special skill. However it would involve 5-7 weekend trips down to Austin plus about $500 in supplies and studio time. I would need a scholarship to complete this “degree.” Too bad they do not make scholarships for Icon Writing School.

I think that in theory I could learn about this without taking an expensive class. The Priest at our church in Spokane gave a couple weekend courses on it. However, I could not attend, because I was busy in college at the time. I do not think that he went into depth about symbolism, etc. He simply explained how it is done. They used templates and transfer images onto the wood.

It not good enough that I simply paint an image onto wood in the style of icon writing. If I am going to do this, I am going to do it right and pay homage to the tradition and to the Lord, Our God.

There are no books that I could find on the subject.

Minor skills I wish to learn:

How to discipline Alexander and get him to eat his dinner like a little gentleman at the table.

How to sell art in galleries.

And one day, I want to learn how to be an organic subsistence farmer. This might be a task for a whole other lifetime. I am a far cry from being a “green thumb.”

Do you have any of these skills? Do you want to teach me? I’ll clear my schedule for you.

How Can I Best Contribute to the World?

As I have listened to and transcribed the Board meetings for my business, I have begun to think and long for how I can best contribute to the world and make it a better place. I have as much to offer as most any person and I want to be sure that I do give as much of my talent and expertise as I have to offer.

I am listening to these men who are top in their fields talk about their ideas to better their industry. What they have given to the world of football and to the youth (the future) of America is significant. Even the least of coaches, like a Pop Warner grade school coach gives a lot back to humanity teaching young boys how a man ought to act: with character and integrity, giving back to the community and to families.

Teachers do a lot of the same. Good teachers change the way the youth interact with their world and their knowledge. A caring, charitable, well-formed teacher, who invests themselves in each student, makes an investment in the world and adds unto its wealth.

I have many unrealized goals. But, constantly I have a longing to share what is good within me. My goal is to share my talents and knowledge and impact others lives in a positive way. I desire to share those good and noble things that I painstakingly learned throughout my education and formation.

The question for myself is do I have to impact many, or is it enough to be a good wife and mother raising good and well-formed children? Should I be making the extra effort to contribute to my community? I honestly do not think that I could be a good employee, wife, and mother if I divided myself in such a way. I feel too divided as is. There are so many errands and chores left undone, too many missed lessons and cuddles. Perhaps that is why so many American families do not go out and find ways to give to their community. They are too bogged down dividing their lives between work and family.

All I can say for myself is that transcribing the thoughts of other great men is not the best way I should contribute to the world. It makes me a little melancholy to not have my thoughts respected and carried out, and perhaps I do not have any good ones. What is to be done with me?

This is my 60th post.

The Long Weekend - Journal Entries

Day 1 (Thursday) - I have a very sore throat; the glands in my neck are very swollen; the muscles in my neck are sore; I have a small lingering headache; I am all together tired and just try to motor ahead. I picked up Alexander from "day school" (as we all call it). He fell while running on the playground. He skinned his right thumb pretty badly. His caretaker, Maggie, said it was like the end of the world when it happened. Fortunately, it was not actually the end of the world. I looked at is closely, but all I could see was a bloody little thumb covered by a tiny band aid (weekend drama to ensue). We all enjoy a dinner out at the Cracker Barrel with Andrew's mom (all enjoyed, but Alexander, because he cannot sit still long enough to eat anything) . It's her last night in town. She came just to help us finish moving. It was a big job, but someone had to do it. And that person wasn't me. Andrew's mom is great at organization and motivation. I did not think that being 16-18 weeks pregnant would be such a hindrance on moving. But, I found myself to be just about useless. And then came this cold.

Day 2 (Friday, Independence Day) - We all got up early to take Andrew's mom to the airport. We were on the road by 7:15 a.m. (Andrew was up until 3:30 a.m. talking to best friend, Zane, on the phone; one last long chat before he enters the seminary). Before, leaving town we all had to get a cup of delicious Starbucks. Then it was a mad dash for the airport in Dallas. My throat is feeling a little better, but my sinuses are beginning to plug, which is a normal progression for any cold or sore throat that I have. In the past two years, since we moved to Waco, I have had a lot of trouble with my sinuses. It's time to nip this in the... We get to the airport just in time. We say our tearful goodbyes, Andrew tells his mom he is not going to cry, because he will see her in a week when he goes home for a wedding, then he sulked all weekend long. We stop for a McDonald's breakfast on the way out of Dallas and play on the coolest MickeyD's playground ever. We have to drag Alex away kicking and screaming. He then takes a long nap on the way home, which is a good thing and a bad thing. He is quiet and happy for the trip home, but it means no afternoon quiet time for us. When we get home Andrew cannot go on any longer. He takes a 2 hour nap. Alex babies his sore thumb/hand all day. It must hurt. Then we pack up our polish sausages and other food for an Independence Day cookout. It us being held in a nice shaded, courtyard. A like a good time is had by all, especially Alexander, who got really dirty climbing and playing all over the courtyard. He probably had the best time of anyone there. But, because he took such an early nap, he is super grumpy and tired by 8:30 p.m. I guess we won't be sticking around for the fireworks. It's okay though, because my sinuses are throbbing and I was feeling pretty tired from the heat and chasing around a toddler and from being 18 weeks pregnant. When we arrive home Alexander is wiped cleanish, no time for a bath, tucked into bed and Andrew and I sit down to watch patriotic television on PBS. It's good stuff--how they make fireworks, patriotic music and more. I was a little bit in and out of sleep.

Day 3 (Saturday) - My sinuses are burning, throbbing and all plugged up. I take the best over-the-counter sinus medicine on the market. No change. Such is my life. I am determined that things will get done today. I wake up Alexander. His sore thumb looks terrible. It's swollen, red, purple and yellow. It probably became worse after all the climbing and dirt from last night. I briefly considering finding out about the Saturday clinic at the hospital and then think this can probably wait. He babies his hand again all day, but this time I take special care to clean it, ointment and bandage it properly. He's tried to be a good sport about it, but he can't help a little screaming and crying. He hasn't been eating well lately. It's making Andrew and I a little mad and makes us feel like bad parents when he doesn't get enough to eat. He can't manage to sit still long enough to eat a proper meal. But, back to getting things done--I wake up Andrew and force him to get himself together for a day of studying. He's an adult. I can't tell him what to do, but he has got to be a serious student every day this summer. It has not gone too well, but he's smart and can still make it up. I get him in the car, finally, by 10:45 a.m. and drop him off at Starbucks (the grad student's office). I begin my errands. I go to Walmart looking for blackout shades for the sunny upstairs windows. They don't have exactly what I want. I do a little shopping, because there is always something one needs at Walmart. Then I drive halfway across town to JoAnn fabrics to get some blackout material. they give me a 40% discount on it for signing up for their mailing list. It turns out to be a fabulous deal and well worth the drive. I get home just in time for the "I'm hungry and sleepy and my thumb hurts" meltdown by Alexander. He was so tired and he seemed to be troubled by his thumb and therefore could not manage to keep himself together long enough to eat. But, considering how poorly he ate in the morning, I was determined to get him to eat something decent. He finally eats a cereal bar. It is not something I really wanted him to eat, but atleast he has something in his belly. I put him down for a nap and then go to work. I put up the curtains in the living room. Then I thought to get started on the blackout curtains. I cut them all to length, and pin the hem. After I figure out my bobbin winder, I finally hem one blackout curtain. I was pretty happy about it and thought that I could get all three curtains done before I had to wake up Alexander and go get Andrew. Three quarters of the way through the second curtain my needle broke for no reason. Nothing had changed between this curtain and the last. I think there is something stuck under the guide plate, but I didn't have time to check it now. I had to wake up Alexander and go get Andrew. Alexander was still sleepy, but a good sport about getting ready to go. I got to Andrew about 3:00 p.m. We ran some errands and bought some groceries for dinner. We now had just a couple hours to play with Alexander, tidy our messes, make and eat dinner and get Alexander back in bed, so we could have guests over for cards. It wasn't hard getting Alexander in bed. He was really tired for some reason--probably because of his sore thumb and not eating well and all the crazy fits he threw. Our guests arrive and we havea fun evening of playing cards (pinochle and spades). Andrew and I lose every hand, which is unusual for us. I am not going to point any fingers, but I will say, I don't think it was me ;-). By bedtime I was more stuffed up than ever and in lots of pain. But, I guess it was manageable. I take a bath to ease some aches and drift off to sleep.

Day 4 (Saturday) - We all sleep in. That's weird. It's almost 9:00 a.m. and I have not heard a peep from Alexander. He's fine. He's just simply sleeping in. Alexander's thumb looks no worse than the day before, but not exactly better. I continue to doctor it. He has taken to keeping his hand in a little loose fist and won't use that hand at all. He was a one handed wonder all weekend. My sinuses really hurt. It doesn't seem that any medicine is touching it. I am very concerned about not taking too much medicine because of being pregnant. I hope all the sinus medicine and acetaminophen I have taken hasn't been harmful to the baby. We barely make it out the door in time for church. At the church the "Cry Room" is already full at the beginning, because people keep bringing their whole families in there. It's not designed for that. It was designed for noisy little toddlers and one parent. We have a lot of toddlers. One family keeps coming in with both parents and all five of their children, all of which are old enough to sit quietly in church. I was more miffed than ever, because I do not feel well enough to be patient or charitable. Fortunately, Alexander has been quiet enough lately to sit in the church, so we sit in a back pew. But, half way through the homily he bangs his sore thumb on something, it starts to bleed and he starts to cry loudly. I have to carry him off to the "Cry Room." I consider going outside, but I know I will never get Alexander back in the church if I do that. I go in and sit on the floor, because there are no seats, and right next two boys from the family that annoys me so much. One naughty little boy keeps hitting his brother and saying things in Spanish. The parents do nothing. Did I mention they also had the grandfather in there as well? Three adults for one family in a room designed for eight or nine adults to sit and none of them do anything about disciplining the children. Like I said, I have no patience. I look the boy square in the eye, give him a crusty look, and say very sternly, "Stop it." I wasn't sure the child would understand me, because he had been speaking Spanish, but I am sure my body language spoke enough. He stops. I can tell either his parents let him do whatever he wants or he is the boss of them. After a little bit the boy walks away and quietly sits next to his parents on the floor. Good, I scared him and he is out of my hair. Alexander later walks up to the other little boy (who was probably nine yrs old) and slaps him on the back kind of like what the boy's brother had done. I discipline Alexander. That is exactly why other parents cannot let their children get out of hand, because toddlers do not know any better and will act that way too. As I approached the Holy Eucharist, I say as usual "Let this be not for my judgement or condemnation, but for healing of soul and body." As the Eucharist is placed in my mouth the words "for healing of soul and BODY" resound in my mind over and over. I get to the back of the church say a final prayer and exit the church. I cannot go back into the overcrowded, stuffy cry room and Alexander is still acting wiggly and noisy. We play outside a little until Andrew comes out. We go get pizza. Alexander will always eat pizza. I take more medicine. Andrew wants me to go to the doctor. I go to the cupboard and also take a leftover antibiotic prescription. I have enough for three days. It is probably a poor choice to not go to the doctor, but I hate my doctor and I hate missing work. After lunch, I send Andrew and Alexander on a nonsensical errand and steal the time for a little nap of my own. When they get back I have no choice but to do things with Andrew and Alexander and then finally put him down for a nap. Andrew and I grab a bowl of ice cream and collapse in the living room. We sit and watch a "Deadliest Catch" Marathon. My head pounds through it all. I don't want to wake up Alexander, but I want him to go to bed at a decent time too. I convince Andrew to come grocery shopping with me to get the week’s worth. While Andrew is in the checkout line I make a mad dash to the pharmacy. Breathe Right Nasal Strips catch my eye and I grab a box. Alexander and I play while Andrew puts together the grill I sent him to buy on the nonsense shopping trip. I make a little salad for dinner. Time flies by quickly. It’s time to put Alexander to bed. I haven’t gotten anything done all day. That’s okay. Just before bed I put on the nasal strip. It’s a God send. I can breathe. I still have lots of pain in my nasal cavity, but I can breath and that makes things more comfortable. I read a little then quickly drift off to sleep.

Day 5 (Monday/Today) - By morning I can still breathe. But, I still have pain. I take all my medicine all over again. Alexander thinks I look pretty funny with the nasal strip on. I took it off. He was grumpy this morning, but his thumb is starting to not look so infected. He also ate breakfast. I have some coffee and the pain medicine kicks in. I can still breathe and the pain is gone. I hope it will start going away. That’s the long weekend.

Renee's Wisdoms of the Day

1. You do not need to "win" to succeed.

2. In every action, pursue the good of the action--for then good will come of your actions.

3. Trust no one completely--not even yourself--we are all fallen and fallible creatures. You can only trust one so far as that one can be trusted.

Bad Mom Wrestles With Asthma and More

Asthma has reared its ugly head again. Alexander has had a little asthma flare up for the past week. It has been pretty manageable. He has been coughing and wheezing here and there, and he has really thick snot running out of his nose constantly. I think it’s an allergy to something, but I have been having trouble getting Alexander to take the prescribed allergy medication, because it has to be mixed in with food. It’s probably as much my fault as it is his.

Yesterday Alexander had a lot of wheezing and coughing. He seemed okay when we put him to bed, but he woke up a few hours later coughing and wheezing. We gave him some medicine. It partially worked, but we neglected to put him back in his own bed. He spent the night in our bed. None of us really slept well. He spent most of the night kicking Andrew and then kicking me, then groping my chest as though he were still breastfeeding. He always wants to snuggle up to me as close as he can get, but he doesn’t want any blankets, because he gets too hot with mom heat. Then of course, he was still coughing and wheezing and that kept waking us all up. It was quite a long and annoying night.

I should have just went downstairs to his breathing machine, given him a treatment, then slept on the sofa (the two of us) and woke up three hours later (or whenever he needed it) and given him another one. We probably all would have slept better. But, I was a lazy mommy (Andrew too). And the next time I complain about staying up all night with Alexander’s asthma, it better be because I stayed up giving him a lot of treatments, and not because I avoided giving him treatments and let him kick me all night.

In good news, I finally bought a nice clean cushion and cleaned up the glider rocker I salvaged from a friend--for free. This is good news for this tired, pregnant mommy. Yesterday, Alexander woke up from his nap, too early, coughing and wheezing, and he was grumpy. Andrew suggested I rock in the chair with him and he went back to sleep and we all had another hour and a half of peace and quiet. I would have been happy to rock Alexander back to sleep and put him back to bed last night in the middle of the night, but somehow I convinced my half asleep self that one, I needed to put my feet up on the rocking stool that I haven’t cleaned yet, therefore, is not in the room, and two, he would only wake up again, because he was still breathing hard. That should have been my sign to get my lazy bum out of bed and go give him a proper treatment as opposed the oral, syrup, quick fix we gave him that doesn’t quite work as well. (It was a bad mommy moment.)

For all those who have been asking, we have an ultrasound scheduled July 11th. Only two weeks away. If and when we find out the gender of our second little baby, we will properly inform everyone we know. No news yet, but thanks for asking.

Alexander's Summer Haircut - Updated

Saturday night, 6 p.m., Andrew decided it was time to go get haircuts for himself and Alexander. We drove to the hair salon only to find that it had closed at 6 p.m. I have been telling Andrew for probably a year now that we should do home haircuts. That night he was pretty eager to have Alexander's haircut. We went home and Andrew pulled out his beard trimmer, which is very much like hair clippers. But, we quickly discovered they did not quite work the same on hair as they do on beards. Alexander ended up with an extremely short, patchy, buzz cut. He looked a little like a neo-nazi, cancer patient. It had gone too far. There was no hope of fixing it. Our only hope was that it would grow out quickly, so that we could have it fixed at a later time.

Today in the middle of the afternoon I received a call from the daycare. I was immediately concerned Alexander was sick and would have to come home. But, it was Maggie his caretaker, she said Hope's mom was a hairdresser and she was getting off work early today and wanted to come and fix Alexander's hair. She said she would have it fixed in a jiffy. They wanted my permission to do it. I laughed hysterically, gave my permission, and asked them to thank Hope's mom. I told them that I didn't think it could be fixed without doing more damage. But, she managed to even it out and it should grow out nicely. So here are some pictures of our little baldy.

Fortunately, Alexander loves it. It's nice and cool for summer. This has not deterred me from home haircuts. I know we need to get a haircutting kit with clippers and hair cutting shears. I will probably cut his hair with scissors like I have done in the past.

P.S. I JUST ADDED A BEFORE SHOT, WHICH WAS TAKEN ABOUT A MONTH AGO.

Pray to Saint Adam

For the past two years since my brother's death, my dad has been collecting stories from people who said that they asked Adam to watch over them, or prayed to him, or said that he came to them in a dream and told them that he had helped them in a difficult or trying situation. At the time of Adam's death there was a strong belief amongst friends and family that Adam's work in heaven would be greater than it would have been here on earth.

Shortly after Adam's death a very holy man, a monk, told my parents that he was sure Adam was a Saint and they should start handing out to people relics, and tell people to ask for miracles through Adam. My parents have taken this very seriously. Sure enough, little by little people have come to my parents telling them stories of how they believe Adam has helped them. This is without my parents telling people to pray to Adam, or to report stories. The stories are a little more than coincidence.

If you are in need of spiritual guidance, a miracle, heavenly intervention, I encourage you to ask for help through Adam. If you receive the help you need, please contact me, so that it can be recorded. No prayer goes unanswered, no prayer is wasted. The grace is always there.

Enjoying The Coveted Stroller

If you look closely you can detect a little protruding baby bump. Click on the picture and you can see a little better.