Great and Holy Wednesday

It was not simply that over 2,000 years ago, lived a man, a great teacher, who performed miracles, and who folks claimed was God the Word Incarnate, then was sacrificed.  This all could be the fodder of legend.  No, it was His resurrection that was the impetus for our Faith.  It was real. 

Today’s Gospel on www.byzcath.org (Matthew 26:6-16) always gives me shivers—“a woman anoints Jesus with an expensive jar of oil…’Why do you trouble the woman? For she has done a beautiful thing to me. For you always have the poor with you, but you will not always have me. In pouring this ointment on my body, she has done it to prepare me for burial.’

Which brings me to today’s Easter basket preparation—Bittersweet beets with horseradish.  it is symbolic that Christ’s sacrifice is both bitter and sweet.  And since I had beet juice, I made pickled eggs for the first time.  I love these eggs, because they represent both the sacrifice and the renewal.

  

Great and Holy Tuesday

Holy Monday was long and a little bit hard.  I began my Spring Cleaning and I had to wash all the laundry. I managed to clean all of the downstairs with my little helpers.  I also managed to wash all the laundry and put most of it away.  I was certainly wiped out by the evening.  I decided the Spring Cleaning will need to extend into next week in order to enjoy Sunday’s festivities.
 

The next day, I completed shredding all the papers in our shred bucket and realized that I hadn’t shredded since last Easter.  That was not a good idea on my part to wait so long.  I will have to resolve to shred on a regular basis. 

In the afternoon, I lit incense and candles in our kitchen and made the butter lambs for our Easter basket and prayed the Jesus prayer.  And in the evening, I had to put away to rest of the laundry.  I have not accomplished everything I would have wished this week, but perhaps I can complete the most important things.  

Spring Cleaning Thru Passiontide

Yesterday, I read the Passiontide section of Maria Von Trapp’s book Around the Year with the Trapp Family.  She explained that in Austria the first three days of Holy Week should be spent doing Spring Cleaning in order to begin Easter season new and fresh.  The following three days of Holy Week are spent doing exclusively Holy things.  Not once did she mention food preparation for the festivities.  So when, WHEN! is the baking and preparing done?  Me thinks someone had a cook in Austria and in the U.S. she had 10 children to help.  I have reserved two hours (the children’s quiet time) each afternoon this week to prepare our Easter feast and such.  However, today I am going to really dig into Spring Cleaning, even though I did not prepare myself to do this, because boy does our house need a Spring Cleaning.  I do want to begin the Easter season new and fresh. 

Sunday popsicles, “on a hot summer day,” as Alexander would say.

Doll Baby

  Yes, I know my son has blue chalk all over his face.
My only excuse is that he is three years old
and if I wiped his face every time he had something on it,
I would have wiped his face clean off by now.

Journal of a Stay at Home Mom

Last Friday I left my job for the last time.  It was a very sweet farewell.  I was given lovely and relaxing good-bye lunch.  I am really going to miss that place.  The next day was dark, gloomy and rainy (the kids took time to kick around balloons while it was raining).  All weekend long I had dark, troublesome feelings, wondering if I made the right decision. Who leaves a perfectly good job, in good standing, and not for an upgrade in pay? Is this decision insane?  Especially, when our financial situation is not exactly stable (but it will do).  At the very least I could have stayed another six months until the new baby was born and we would have thousands more dollars in our pockets.  But, that’s not why we made the decision we did, now, in our current situation. So, moving forward.

Monday, there was no time to have “feelings” about my new fulltime job.  Game was on!  Another mom told me Monday was her laundry day.  I had already begun my laundry on the weekend as I usually do, but I did not finish it, so I thought Monday as laundry day was a good plan. I finished washing the laundry, but only managed to put away one load.  I also had A LOT of housework to catch up on, such as dishes and untidiness.  The housework was not completed either, but it was a good start. The kids and I made it to the park for a short while and we went to a couple of stores for fun—Alex’s idea.  All this activity had me wiped out.  I thought, “My body isn’t  used to this new job.”

Tuesday, I was welcomed with open arms into the stay-at-home mom community as we were invited to a toddler music class followed by a play date with the Waco Catholic Moms Group at the park.  It was a fun morning.  We made it back home by noon.  Kristiana went to take a nap.  Alex ate lunch.  Then I attempted to put Alex down for a nap.  However, it is decidedly so that Alexander’s body will not allow him to take midday naps anymore.  He usually does on the weekends, but it is just not happening during the week.  We will be working on quiet, alone time from now on.  This should not be a problem for Alex.  I had an appointment with my midwife and everything is a-okay with baby #3.  I have even felt a wiggle here and there when I lay on my back, late at night and hold still.  In the afternoon, we went outside into our 12X6 square feet of concrete fenced in private space.  I folded laundry on our porch table and the kids dug in my flower pots.

Wednesday, I decided would be “low-key.” I let the kids watch two hours of PBS cartoons :-s in the morning.  I vowed that there would be no more T.V. for the rest of the day.  It was nice to start that way.  It gave me a chance to catch-up.  We had a minor bedding disaster in the middle of the night.  Someone forgot to put a nighttime diaper on Alex before bed.  Kristiana also had fits in the middle of the night. She screamed her head off for a n hour.  So I was a little tired and it took me an hour to fully wake up.  Then I rushed to changed bedding and tidy up, shower and dress before our 10:00 a.m. trip to the library.  After lunch Kristiana took a long nap—Praise the Lord—and Alex went to his room for quiet time.  In the afternoon, Alex and I made Lenten pretzels. Except, not so Lenten since you are supposed to brush them with egg and butter.  I have been wanting to make pretzels for a month now, ever since our mom’s group a month ago when we talked about how the knot of a pretzel symbolizes folded arms praying, Byzantine style, and they are good food for a fast.  Later in the evening, three other children came over to play for our babysitting co-op.  It was our turn to babysit. That was our “low-key” day—I think.   

Thursday, I found a little routine that I like.  I rolled around in bed until 7:20-ish.  Alexander awakened and climbed  in bed with me.  We rolled around in bed another twenty minutes.  Alexander liked this so much he talked about doing it again the rest of the day.  Then we went and woke up Kristiana.  We all went downstairs and I quickly prepared the kids’ breakfast, because I was starving too.  I ate a leftover Lenten pretzel and juice—good choice.  Then the kids watch PBS cartoons for an hour and I goofed on the computer and clean up the kitchen.  Then we all bathed and dressed, so we could go to the Mayborn Museum, which is a children’s museum.  They have about twenty rooms dedicated to children.  It’s all interactive.  Best of all, other friendly stay-at-home mom’s and preschoolers are always there guaranteed.  It’s hard to pry Alex away from this museum.  He always leaves crying.  When we came home the children were overtired and had trouble winding down, but they both took long naps.  We paid for that later on.  They stayed up a couple hours later than they usually do.  Alex invited all the neighborhood girls over to play with him.  The seven year old neighbor girls adore him.  I was pretty tired at that point. The new baby is sapping all my energy.

Friday, was more of the same morning routine.  Then we were off for another play date.  On the way I spied a   doughnut shop and realized I was hungry and had not brought a snack for myself.  So I turned my car around and stopped for doughnuts.  I bought two dozen doughnuts to share with everyone.  But, instead of there being seven moms and fifteen children, there was only two moms and two other children.  So between my family and the two others we only polished off a dozen doughnuts.  Oh well, there will be another dozen for us on Saturday.  Kristiana took another long nap and Alex spent a long time upstairs in his room quietly reading his library books.  So I took a long nap myself.  When we finally all woke up, we went to the library to pick a book and then out to the Texas Cheese Shop in the next town over to buy some of the components of our Easter basket.  It was a very low-key day.

All and all it was a good week.  I hope things go as well next week.  It’s a big week next week.  There’s a lot of praying and Easter preparations to be done.  Hopefully, I can start on my office project (I’m not holding my breath on this one).  I adore my children even more after getting to spend the whole week with them.  I got to know them better and spent their best ours with them.  There is still trepidation in my heart about our future, but I take it one day at a time.

Happy St. Patrick’s Feast Day

Today we are celebrating St. Patrick’s Feast in full fashion.

Last night, we read Patrick: Patron Saint of Ireland by Tomie DePaola. 

   We woke up and donned our green.

We made green, three leaf clover pancakes.

  

We will eat a traditional boiled corned beef and boiled potatoes dinner.

And my husband and I will pray St. Patrick’s Breastplate.
(Which is an all time favorite prayer for both of us.)

St. Patrick’s Breastplate

I bind unto myself today
The strong Name of the Trinity,
By invocation of the same,
The Three in One and One in Three.

I bind this day to me for ever.
By power of faith, Christ's incarnation;
His baptism in the Jordan river;
His death on Cross for my salvation;
His bursting from the spicèd tomb;
His riding up the heavenly way;
His coming at the day of doom;*
I bind unto myself today.

I bind unto myself the power
Of the great love of the cherubim;
The sweet 'well done' in judgment hour,
The service of the seraphim,
Confessors' faith, Apostles' word,
The Patriarchs' prayers, the Prophets' scrolls,
All good deeds done unto the Lord,
And purity of virgin souls.

I bind unto myself today
The virtues of the starlit heaven,
The glorious sun's life-giving ray,
The whiteness of the moon at even,
The flashing of the lightning free,
The whirling wind's tempestuous shocks,
The stable earth, the deep salt sea,
Around the old eternal rocks.

I bind unto myself today
The power of God to hold and lead,
His eye to watch, His might to stay,
His ear to hearken to my need.
The wisdom of my God to teach,
His hand to guide, His shield to ward,
The word of God to give me speech,
His heavenly host to be my guard.

Against the demon snares of sin,
The vice that gives temptation force,
The natural lusts that war within,
The hostile men that mar my course;
Or few or many, far or nigh,
In every place and in all hours,
Against their fierce hostility,
I bind to me these holy powers.

Against all Satan's spells and wiles,
Against false words of heresy,
Against the knowledge that defiles,
Against the heart's idolatry,
Against the wizard's evil craft,
Against the death wound and the burning,
The choking wave and the poisoned shaft,
Protect me, Christ, till Thy returning.

Christ be with me, Christ within me,
Christ behind me, Christ before me,
Christ beside me, Christ to win me,
Christ to comfort and restore me.
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ in quiet, Christ in danger,
Christ in hearts of all that love me,
Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.

I bind unto myself the Name,
The strong Name of the Trinity;
By invocation of the same.
The Three in One, and One in Three,
Of Whom all nature hath creation,
Eternal Father, Spirit, Word:
Praise to the Lord of my salvation,
Salvation is of Christ the Lord.

Tot Talk: Fix It Up Pappie

Today, for the first time in a long time, I put my hair in ponytail

Alex: “Mommy, you hair looks pretty today.”

Me: “Thank you, Alex!”

Alex: “Did Daddy fix it for you?”

(He has picked up the very southern term fixing your hair.)

I don’t know where he got the idea that Daddy did my hair. Since I am the one who combs and fixes the kids’ hair, he must think that one cannot possibly fix one’s own hair. Someone has to do it for you. He’s very much an agape child. He follows the Spitzerian ethic of agape (http://www.robertspitzer.org), in which we must lovingly do for each other.

Fallen Asleep

I think back to the fall when I had so much energy. I exerted so much energy and effort into household things—decorating and making our home hospitable, cleaning and laundry, meal planning and activities with the children. These days I barely have the energy to feed myself and it is very “buminating,” as Andrew would say. I have boughts of narcolepsy, which I cannot control or avoid.  I long for those days when I was in control of this body.

Poor Andrew can hardly stand my furrowed brow another moment. My face is all knit up holding back the gagging feeling. I thought that I was going to make it through this pregnancy without tossing a meal. Alas, Saturday morning was the end to my record. I was swept away in a gagging fit from which there was no return. I lost my Saturday morning doughnuts.

Then there are the quiet moments. The agonizing quiet moments, which are both edifying and cathartic, and a tempest of misery. From time to time throughout my days, I find myself in a mess of hot, steamy tears. It’s the normal routine that seems a little too stressful in my pregnant state of disarray. It’s the mother in the news article who lost her son. It’s faith on the deepest level—all evoke emotions once untapped.

My least favorite quiet moment is 3:33 a.m. It’s the time I wake up every morning. I hear the whimpers and murmurs of Kristiana in the next room. Then my bladder and my empty stomach begin to nag and I begin to have thoughts for the coming day. I roll out of bed and attempt to quiet all the noise. I settle the baby, visit the restroom and grab a cereal bar from the pantry. Then I flop onto the sofa and I begin to pray intensely to quiet my aching soul.

In a few more weeks I should emerge from this strange other existence. My rewards shall be great—a little kicking baby to bring a smile to my face. I only hope my husband can forgive the severe neglect and crabbiness. I only hope the Lord Almighty can forgive the selfishness I hold to so dearly as I drag myself through the mire.  I do not even suffer the pangs of the first trimester as greatly as some I know.  I will have a lot to make up for when I emerge.

My blogging may be scant for a few more weeks.

Ask and You Shall Receive

Last time I posted, I asked for prayers for the daughter of a friend.  What transpired afterward was far too many coincidences to not be considered a miracle.  I received a series of emails describing their extraordinary experience.  She gave me permission to share her miracle with you. 

“I had the nurses print off the novena [of Saint Raphael] for me because although I have a computer here [at the hospital] it does not connect to the hospital printers so I did not bother trying to print it.  When my husband arrived home last night around 11:00 pm the novena spontaneously spit out our printer. I am serious I did not hit print so it was not in the computers memory! I read from the Bible, the book of Tobit, last night. Feeling very comforted by the physician of God. I called the church for a priest to perform anointing of the sick...

Thursday night was the first night we prayed the prayer and the night it spit out the printer. It is said that if it is God's will St. Raphael will whisper into the doctors’ ears when they need guidance, or obtain an unexplained healing. Friday morning our doctor came in and said, ‘I woke from my sleep at 4:00am and said, I know what it is. It's the Motrin. It just hit me all of the sudden.’ Our eyes were big as saucers! Not an hour later my dad came by to visit and said he had had a dream last night that the doctor had an epiphany and said he knew what was making her sick. After I told my father that that exact thing had taken place we just praised God.  Our priest came by Friday afternoon...

It seems that through the viral illness' she acquired and was not getting over she developed a sensitivity to Motrin. To keep her from having breakthrough seizures she was given Tylenol and Motrin alternating for almost two weeks. Through that time she built up toxins in her system from the martin that actually prevented her from getting better. So she acquired an allergy to Motrin. We stopped the Motrin on Friday morning and has not had a fever since and her rash and swelling are disappearing…

As Raphael tells Tobit and Tobiah in the book of Tobit. ‘Thank God! Give him the praise and glory. Before all the living, acknowledge the many good things he has done for you, by blessing and extolling his name in song. Before all men, honor and proclaim God's deeds, and do not be slack in praising Him.’ Tobit 12:6.”

So now we pray prayers of thanksgiving. 

St. Raphael Pray for Us

My friend’s baby daughter is in the hospital sick with an undiagnosed ailment. They are trying to get to the bottom of it.  Her parents are requesting friends to pray the Novena of St. Raphael. I am posting it here, so I will remember to pray it.  Join me if you feel inclined.  It is simple and quick.

Glorious Archangel Saint Raphael, great prince of the heavenly court,
you are illustrious
for your gifts of wisdom and grace.
You are a guide of those who journey
by land or sea or air,
consoler of the afflicted,
and refuge of sinners.
I beg you,
assist me in all my needs
and in all the sufferings of this life,
as once you helped
the young Tobias on his travels.
Because you are the medicine of God,
I humbly pray you to heal the many infirmities
of my soul and the ills that afflict my body.
I especially ask of you the favour

(Make your request here...)

and the great grace of purity
to prepare me to be the temple of the Holy Spirit.

Amen.

More Miracles on the Way

So I had a little/big emotional meltdown about a month ago, and thought “What the heck is going on? Something is not right.” The next day I said to myself, “The last time I recall crying like that was the day before we found out we were pregnant with Alex…Oh!?” Surprise! Baby Clayton #3 is due at the end of September. Joy!

I have been pretty excited about it. But, I have not wanted to say anything until I had the beautiful little picture above and saw the sweet baby’s heart beat. We told our families and some supportive friends. I think when I am pregnant the actual word appears written on my forehead, because people have started asking me about it. Of course, I did not deny it. But, I always get a little nervous to tell everyone until I see a little heart beating.

It’s been a fun month—a little nausea, major fatigue—but, all-in-all it has not been that bad. It has not been a picnic in the park for my husband. He has picked up a lot of slack. I am so grateful for his help.

More big news is that I am finally leaving work in one month to be a fulltime mom. This takes a lot of pressure off being pregnant, because I will not have to keep up with being employed fulltime, taking care of a home, loving my husband and children, and being pregnant! I just have to fight my way through the next month of work.

I always wonder what’s on the minds of all the other moms I see at our daycare. I just want to ask them, “Isn’t this hard for you. I feel like I am drowning! And our babies are here with all these strangers, we hardly know for nine hours a day!”

On to my next adventure of learning how to be a fulltime mom. Any helpful hints of what you have learned being a fulltime mom are welcome. I know its going to be hard—harder than being employed. There is going to be a learning curve. What I do on the weekends and evenings with the kids is not going to be the same as what I do every day with them.

My mom was a stay at home mom and I don’t remember her doing a whole lot with us. We played by ourselves or with each other most of the day. We went on errands with her. She would let us paint. We always had a great backyard growing up, and my husband and I don’t have a yard. So I think that essential element is missing.

I am excited to be raising my own children. After we had Alex, I had to go back to work and we all suffered a lot. I was really angry that raising your own children in America today is a privilege. I was really upset when we had to put another baby in daycare. But, it wasn’t really a choice for us—sometimes when you make your bed, you do have to lie in it a little while until you can afford a different one. Now we are at a place where we will have the privilege of raising our own children.

Blessed Theotokos, we magnify you, pray for us.

An Old Fashioned Valentine

For our St. Valentine’s Day celebration we had a private celebration of our love and a little more French cooking.  It was a cooking collaboration, but I think my darling husband had the more difficult portion. We made sauté veal with a mushroom cream sauce, risotto and blanched broccoli.  It was so rich we could hardly finish it and we chased it with chocolate covered strawberries.  It was a pricey home-made meal, but it still cost less than half of what we spent at a ritzy restaurant last year (although I do miss the wine pairing). 

Andrew began his cooking endeavor with an Old Fashioned.  He touted it as his best Old Fashioned yet and therefore, he took a picture to commemorate it (he also insisted I post his picture).

Then he prepped his ingredients and he was pretty proud of those results too, therefore he took another picture.  I think he was really starting to get into it.

It was the first time I had ever made risotto.  It tasted like pretty darn good risotto to me.  I do not recall having had a better risotto.

 

Bon Appétit!

Tot Talk: Kristiana’s First

This is Kristiana’s first Tot Talk and it’s a “you had to be there” moment. but I am going to post it anyway, because she caught me off-guard. 

On Monday morning we were all playing in the living room before school and Kristiana had dropped her toy in front of me and then ran away.  Then she came back for the toy.  I picked it up and handed it back to her and she replied, “Tan tou” (Thank you).

Not only had I never heard her say that, or anything that complex, she used it appropriately.  It was a joyous moment.  It was a sovereign moment.  When I picked her up from daycare at the end of the day, her teachers said that she said thank you whenever they gave her food.

Then when we came home she gave me this beautiful smile to commemorate the occasion of her use of intermediate linguistics.

That's Unethical

Earlier I posted a video slide show of our dear little Kristiana.  However, someone disgusting of the same name has posted inappropriate videos on You Tube, which show up in related videos next to my daughter's video. I have been unable to get these videos to go away.  You Tube does not allow you to control the related videos.  I think it's unethical.  Who wants scantilly clad ladies next to their baby daughter.  At a later time, I will re-post my video of Kristiana after I re-save it with a different name.

A Little More Celebration of Our Life - Enjoy

Celebrating Our Life

I have always wanted to make a slide show of pictures about Alexander’s first year.  Today I did a little research and downloaded Windows Movie Maker for free. And here is the product of my labor—I guess literally. (Next up Kristiana!)

Longing

My dear friends have longed for a baby of their own since they were engaged.  Now five years later, happily married for four years, they are still longing for a child.  God has brought them to adoption.

They have begun their research and for their current living situation they would only qualify to adopt a newborn.  So they are trying to make connections with pregnant mothers who are considering adoption.  They were advised that making personal connections through friends is the best way to begin newborn adoptions.  If you know of anyone who is considering adoption, contact me.  I will put you contact with the best parents anyone could hope for.  They are loving and considerate of each other and of all their family and friends.  Both are well-educated.  Most importantly, they are well-grounded in their faith.  They would have a lot to offer any child.  I would love them to be my parents.  In fact, I have designated them to take my own children in my will.  I trust them with my own children.

Lastly, pray for them in the journey.  Below is the novena prayer for pregnant mothers and those trying to conceive.  May it be done unto them as God wills it.

St. Gerard,
You worshiped Jesus as the Lord of Life.
I ask you today to pray
For my special intention.
(Mention your intention here.)
Lift up to Jesus
All those who seek to conceive a child,
All those having difficult pregnancies,
All who have suffered the loss of a child,
And all who lovingly lift up their children to God.
Pray that all of us,
By caring for mothers, fathers, and children
born and unborn
May build a Culture of Life,
In the name of Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Tot Talk: Stay Home

“Alex, let’s get ready to go to school.”

“No, I want to stay home.”

“With who? By yourself?”

“No, I want to stay home with Daddy.”

“No, you can’t.  Daddy is going to work.”

“I want to stay home with Mommy.”

“No, Mommy is going to work.”

“I will stay home with Mickey Mouse.”

 

Slow Times

I have not felt like blogging lately.  It’s been a frustrating few weeks, and I just don’t feel like the rest of the world needs to hear my every frustration, but hopefully in a few weeks things will be different. 

This morning I awoke to a crying toddler.  She had a fever.  She snuggled up to me most of the morning. Slept part of the morning in her crib followed by sleeping on my chest for the rest of the morning.  Then I gave her some motrin and she perked up for approximately five hours.  Though she was sick, she was an absolute delight.

I sent Alex off to school. There’s a long story to that, which I will explain at a later time.  He had a good day at school.  He really likes his teachers.  He has moved to an older class and they have a lot of stimulation for him.  I think a lot of it is above his head, but he is also maturing a lot too. 

Kristiana went to bed early and I baked cookies and spent a little one-on-one time with Alex.  When I put him to bed, I prayed with him and realized it was only the second time today I prayed.  It made those prayers all the more special.

I am hoping to have a holier day tomorrow.  Maybe I will find my groove—a groove I can share in the blogging world.

Joy

I've got joy, joy, joy, deep down in my heart.  I am full. :-D I just had to share.

There haven't been any cutie pictures of the kids lately mainly because Kristiana cannot remain still enough to capture her.   Modern cameras are pretty good at capturing kids on the go, but not even modern technology can account for her lightening speed.  I am sure there is going to be some sort of pay off for her energy and intelligence--someday.

In good news, Kristiana stopped vomitting.  I switched her from cheap "sensitive" formula to expensive stuff and that helped.  They're supposed to be the same, but obviously they are not.  She has a really sensitive tummy and a strong gag reflex.  She is sleeping normally again. Praise be to God!  I was starting to get neurotic about it.

Alex is so cute these days (K-dawg is too).  He is able to tell us all about his day and it is just precious.  He named his stuffed monkey that he sleeps with at naptime, "Oo-aa-aa."  So cute!  TMI, but he also decided to start peeing standing up.  It's too cute--such a little man.  He also has started saying, "No, let me do it."  How mature?!

I am just focusing on being wife and mother right now and I have a lot of joy, joy, joy.

Gong Show With a Side of Delicious

Wow. In the span of 48 hours, life has been a roller coaster.  I personally experience a wide spectrum of emotions.

Friday I “felt” as though the world was crushing in on me.  I probably would have been better left alone that day.  Right from the start this was horrible day.  Kristiana had been throwing up all week.  She doesn’t seem sick other than some congestion and sporadic puking.  I have suspected food allergies, such as lactose intolerance, expect we don’t believe she has had any lactose all week.  So I am stumped—not to mention the laundry that she has generated.  I have been puked on more times than I can count this month.  It is clear something is not right.

All night long Kristiana had woken up with an apparent tummy ache.  Then she woke up at 6:30 a.m. with the worst smelling diarrhea.  But, still her demeanor was been normal.  So I sent her to daycare and went off to work.

I skipped breakfast and was running on coffee and adrenaline.  I was scooting along fine at work, but by lunch I was starting feeling emotional. I had little sleep and nothing in my tummy and well let’s be honest my hormones were not on my side either.  I could see the walls crumbling—my baby’s sick, my stomach is empty, my hormones are on overdrive, I spent my lunch hour crying and all week long my husband and I have been trying to decide if we should dive into the biggest financial decision of our lives and buy a house (which that does not seem to be working out)—and now it was time for my yearly performance evaluation!

I went home depressed.  My husband does not respond well to my sadness.  He gets really depressed and angry about it.  I ate through my sorrows.  I ate some leftover pasta and that seemed to comfort me.  We had a friend coming for dinner and we were going to do a little French cooking.  I made poached tilapia and steamed broccoli with a parisienne white wine sauce.  All of this kind of forced us to move away from our mood.  I was in a peaceful place while cooking.  By the time we sat down for dinner, it was late and I was exhausted, so was our guest.  It was a short and quiet dinner party. 

Around 9:30 p.m. I took a bath (after Kristiana puked on me, it’s a nightly thing now) and read My Life in France by Julia Child.  I received the book for Christmas. Every time I read it, I say I am going to France.  She definitely brought her time in France to life in this book.  After my bath, I settled into bed for the night.

Saturday was a day of joy.  The children were content (despite more puking).  The chores came easily.  The world seemed clear.  Hopefully the clarity and calm will continue.

Sunday we enjoyed perfect Eggs Benedict.  You may be wondering why my eggs are so round.  Julia said that a good substitute for a poached egg is a six-minute soft boiled egg.  Since I still have yet to properly poach an egg, I was relieved to find this substitute.  It WAS the perfect substitute, and I could easily become addicted to soft boiled eggs. 

All this makes me feel a lot like Julie Powell from Julie & Julia.  Renee feeling frustrated, knowing I am so much more, reading about the life of Julia Child, learning to cook French and redeemed by amazing food.  There is something redeeming about the artistry in life.

Now let a sleepy afternoon commence.  Pray for me in my craziness. I need to relinquish all to my Creator.  Pray for Haiti (so much more important).

The Spiral

Sunday, I was at the park pushing my daughter on the swing when a blonde, muscle-bound Adonis, pushing his son asked me if I had seen the Cowboys game. I smirked, and apologetically replied, “No.”
“Oh, you’ve been here?”
“Um yeah, we have been out and about today.” Not true, but admitting you willingly missed a Cowboys game, let alone the playoffs, is just a faux pas you don’t admit in these parts. Yeah, he was missing the game too, but it appeared he was on a date, so I guess that’s his excuse.
I am not much of a football fan. I barely understand the rules, which as I understand it, I am not the only one even amongst football fans. This is all quite ironic seeing as how I work for 11,000 football coaches with the national professional association (not including the real name of my work on purpose).
Last week I was at our annual national convention doing my part in a stellar production. It was a lot of running around, making sure things were where they were supposed to be, giving directions, orchestrating, making scowls at the computer, one little innovation (ha, why didn’t we think of that on earlier) and a little bit of “shake and howdy” with college football coaches most could only dream to meet. I don’t need to name drop. That just seems immature to me. In general, football coaches are just nice folks with an uncommon career.
Oh okay, personally, of all the coaches I have met at convention, Mack Brown has always nice to me. He always stops and takes a moment to say hello to me, shake my hand and ask me how I am. ;-) He does that for everyone and it's nice. He make people feel good and ain't bad at coaching either. He gave the best speech at my first convention in 2006. He talked all about his failings and how he learned success from them.
This year, was strange for me. I felt really lonely. It was my first time away from the kids, aside from one night away from Alexander once. I felt out of sorts. I felt happy and sad, extroverted and introverted. The hotel was hot and had bad karma (no sure what that mean, but I felt something strange). After it was over everyone reported that they could not sleep, as did I. I was an unexpected leader and had a drama queen moment. It was not my most shining moment. Let’s just say that some people at my work don’t have the best people skills and I didn’t take kindly to it.
In short, I just did not feel like myself. Pieces of my identity were missing—my husband, my kids, my church, my routine. It was too noisy to hear my soul, or my God. It was boisterous and ceaseless. I do not remember the last time I felt like this, or if I have ever felt like this. By the end I felt myself spiraling away. If I were a football, my experience could be summed as thus: there were some great passes and there some not so great passes; there were some in the wrong direction and some were a perfect spiral floating effortlessly from QB to receiver. But at least I can say, I did not fumble and I didn't pull a Romo (how's that for a football reference?).
Orlando was a nice place to visit. It's spread out, easy to navigate, and very entertaining. I spent and extra day there and went the Morse Museum where they have the largest collection of Tiffany's art outside of Tiffany's studios. It was a quite an experience. The craftsmanship and artistry definitely lit my heart afire.
I spent my extra day in Orlando with my former co-worker Sandi. She just retired and lives there. Work will not be the same without her. She is a pioneer in our association, and now she is the only female honorary life member. We all know that she has been the real brains of the operation. But, the torch has been passed and I am confident those who have taken it on will hold the torch high and bright. Sandi, I think, is a kindred spirit of mine. We are a lot alike. It was fun to see Orlando through her eyes.
It's taken a few days to get back into the swing of things. However, I am trying to see things in my life—faith, family, work—with new vision. How strange it is that a week away from home has given me a realignment. Let's see where this pass takes me.

Tot Talk: Little Reminders

This morning I was rocking out to Handel's Messiah on the car ride into work/daycare. I was also deep in thought about buying a house. We found a nice one and I think I was decorating it in my head. :-) I was thinking about the big step that buying a house is and wondering if we are ready for it. Most importantly, I was examining my place in the world, the cosmos, wondering if this is the new direction I am supposed to take. I was far, far away from my morning grind.

All of a sudden, like being awakened from a dream, I heard my son repeating what he had just said the moment before.

“What you doing, Mommy?! You missed my school.”

Thank the heavens he is such an astute little three year old. I probably would have made it all the way to the free-way before I noticed, and it would have been a lot more difficult to turn around and go back had I done that. Instead, I was able to take a short detour back to the school. I thanked Alex over and over again for telling me. I asked him where his school was and he pointed the exact direction to go back.

It one of those astounding moments when you realize your kids are not just kids, they are as with it as any adult only lacking experience and emotional control.

Resolutions Update

1. I have used reusable grocery bags once out the two times I have been to the store.  But, the second time was a one bag, quicky trip (excuses, excuses).

2. I have read one hour once. I hope I can make this work. It's been busy week since making this resolution (more excuses).

3. I have gone for a jog once.  This should get better after my convention (What another excuse! You can see how this is bad for the soul). 

This resolution thing is going to be harder than I thought.

Uh Oh!!! It’s That Time of Year

Walking Dead - Andrew has the big bad flu! Andrew started out sick on Monday morning. I have had trouble getting him to slow down all week. He has been out and about and working all week. This morning it became apparent that he has the full blown flu. He took his temperature this morning and for the fourth day in a row it’s been a little over 100 degrees, and he’s been achy and he has had really bad chest congestion all week. He’s out of commission.

Midnight Bandit - Kristiana has had congestion all week too, but she has not had fevers. So I don’t think she has the flu. But, when she gets stuffy and congested and starts coughing, she pukes. She has a really strong gag reflex. I have been puked on four times in the night this week.

Kristiana has also been really obnoxious in the night. She wakes up throughout the night screaming to be held or fed or play. She’s so headstrong. She’s a woman who knows what she wants and demands it. Last night we kept her up until 9:00 pm and she slept through the night. I guess she doesn’t need as much sleep as Alex. She is good with about 10 hours of sleep, which is low for a kid her age. Alex is good with about 12-14 hours sleep, which a lot for a kid his age. But both are still within the normal range.

Little Trooper - Alex started the week with a double ear infection. He was prescribed antibiotics and he hasn’t complained about it since. I took him out for juice and doughnuts after he saw the doctor, because he didn’t want to go back to school. I figured that would soften the blow of having to go back to school. I am not a cruel mom; he did have Tylenol and was fine. He never had a fever either. He has been a lot more communicative about his wants, needs and perspectives this week. I like it! The next day after school he jumped in his car seat and said, “I had a good day at school.” But today, his teacher wasn’t there and he had a meltdown and it broke my heart. My mother’s intuition told me not to leave him, but I did anyway. I hope he is okay!

AWOL Mom - Tomorrow I head off to my yearly convention with my job. I will be gone a week. My business puts on the convention, so there is a lot of work to be done. It will be at the least twelve hour days. It can be pretty interesting, energizing and daunting at times. In the past, I have taken Alex and my mom with me, because Alex was still nursing. This will be my first convention in four years without a baby. This is also the first time I have been away from the kids. They are going to hate it. I will miss the whole family a lot. But, on the bright side, I will probably catch up on some sleep.

My mother-in-law has been enlisted to help Andrew with the kids since it will be the first week of classes for him. He is going to have to muscle through a day and half alone with the kids and the flu.

PRAYERS NEEDED! – Pray for Andrew that he gets well soon. Pray for the kids that they stay well and behave well for Andrew while I am gone. Pray for me and my travels. Pray that I don’t get sick! Pray for my mother-in-law and that her travels go smoothly. Pray for Aunt Amy and her family. She just had her double mastectomy—may she recover quickly and her family is granted fortitude, courage, and peace. And of course, always pray for the purification of our souls.

Resolutions are for Those Weak in Soul

Normally I don’t make New Year’s resolutions—or resolutions in general.  It would seem to me that one should not have to wait until the first day of the new year to decide to change one’s bad habits, do new things, or anything of the sort.  One can decide anytime to make changes, or as a dear friend once said, “You may have made your bed, but you don’t have to lie in it.”

Last year, my husband and I jokingly resolved to eat more Whataburger (Texas burger chain).  We ate there a couple of times and never truly fulfilled this resolution.  This brings me to a second point about resolutions—most people never keep those oh so sincere resolutions, and end up being sorrier than the were before they made their noble-hearted, life-changing, soul-altering resolution. Therefore in general, I do not make resolutions.  If I never resolve, I never have to feel the agony of defeat, nor test my soul in ways, perhaps, it should not be tested, as in making myself the sole center of my attention…

BUT, I guess I have a weak soul, because I have decided to make a couple of resolutions, because I feel like it and there are a few things I want to do. So here they are and say a little prayer for my weak soul.

I resolve to:

1. Use my reusable grocery bags every time I go to the store. I had trouble remembering to use them. I had trouble getting the baggers to use them. I had trouble keeping them in order. But, I think I can manage it now. Look, I even folded them and put them in this bigger bag.

2. Read at least one hour each night.

3. Exercise at least three times a week. (I haven’t been working out for two whole months, because this season at my work is intense.)

These should not be too consequential to my soul; they are just easy-going and organic.  Good luck and God speed with your own resolutions.