Lately, I have been praying for a certain intercession very fervently. I have come to the foot of the cross in all humility. Although, I have found myself exceedingly restless in waiting for His answer. My impatience leads to prayers of pleading. Yet, in this unrest He has also showered upon me much grace (For example: I was going out to a meeting feeling very sad and so sorry for myself. I thought I probably should not be going to this meeting. I should probably turn around and go home. I prayed to Our Blessed Mother, and told her I just needed a hug right now. When I arrived at my meeting everyone gave me a hug even though this had not been a usual greeting at these meetings).
Then it hit me. Perhaps sometimes this is how it is with God. There is something that I perceive as a noble good and I ask for it from my Lord. When the answer is, "No," I cannot understand why my Lord would not want to give me this good thing. Why would a mother not want to read a bedtime story to a child. But perhaps there is a very good reason God cannot give a blessing. I wanted to read a story to the children but their behavior made it impossible. God had wanted to give blessings or graces, but our behavior had made it impossible. Or perhaps it just was not the right time.
I recognized then despite all my humble prayers I could not bend the will of God to my own. As a child cannot bend the will of her mother. This is certainly something I have known since I first learned the Lord's prayer, in which a line is, "Thy will be done." This is something I utter many times a day. But, often when I say these words it is without connection to the true meaning. What we pledge in "Thy will be done," is total surrender to His will. In all my prayers, I had hoped God would do my will. It took a little girl pleading for me to do her will to help me see that.
My prayers do not change. I still pray for the same intercession. God wants us to come to Him as His children with all our worries, needs and cares. But my intentions have changed some. I know I must surrender to God's will and be at peace with it whatever it may be. I must seek out His will in all my actions. I must give thanks and praise and glory even when I cannot understand His wisdom.
But, what if sometimes what happens brings suffering. Does God want us to suffer? It is a mystery. I struggle with this. Is it not a frightful thing to suffer? It certainly seems many are sainted through suffering. Mother Teresa said that when you are suffering it is the kiss of Jesus. It means you have come very close to the cross so that Jesus may kiss you. Remember Jesus is suffering for all the world's sins on the cross and when you come near you feel it. But, being kissed by Jesus you are also filled with His grace and His love. Oftentimes people who are suffering also feel very near God.
Right now, I do not know what is the will of the Lord. I am still hoping for the best. I think that is what is right. BUT I am trying to bend myself humbly to the Lord, rather than asking Him to bend to me. I am trying to not take each moment of each day for granted. I am seeking out what is holy in all things. Hopefully, He WILL answer my prayer with a blessing.