Wednesday, February 20, 2008

ENOUGH


Alexander totally put me in a bad mood. It really makes me sad. He spent the whole morning throwing fits and crying. We were just not giving him what he wanted (I am not sure what he wanted). Then when we arrived at daycare, he walked in with a new attitude; walked over to one of the care providers, who has been gone two weeks, because she was sick, and he was extremely happy to see her; he gave her a loving hug and was ready for his day. I felt my heart drop a little and felt a little depressed. He spent the whole morning at home being angry with me and then lovingly hugged a caretaker who he has not seen for a while.

(I am trying to not take offense to this. He is 15 months old and his emotions are not entirely rational. Not to mention that none of us are morning people. It takes us all some time to wake up and be ready to interact with other people. )

I went to hang up his bag, then on my way out I peered into his room again gave him a smile and a wave and he returned it. His little face beamed. This warmed my heart again. However, as a mother who would like to be actually raising my child, this was not a good morning. Further, when he has me around and he gets the love and attention he wants from me, he seems better behaved. I am sure that our son is getting the care he needs, but it chills me that he is getting it from someone else. Apparently, motherly love is for sale and I stepped up and bought my son some good, bargain, tender, loving, care. I am angry about this.

Andrew said to me last night, "I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel." He was referring to his PhD program. This morning in the car on the way to work, I heard the echo of his words in my mind. I was attempting to use these words to comfort myself in my sadness about not being there for Alexander. However, it did not completely work. How long can I wait to properly mother Alexander? How much will it effect him if he is going on 4 years old when he finally has me around? He will not technically be my child. He will be a product of us and the people from daycare. It is weeks like these that I just want to quit this job and be a mother. (Of course, it would be a sticky situation to pay the bills.)

Sometimes both Andrew and I want to say, ENOUGH! We're done here! Our goal is to go back to live close to his family, because there, we believe that we have a good and loving support system. Is staying here any longer going to help us reach our goal? Sometimes we think that we have chose wrongly by leaving and going into debt to chase this dream. "Hindsight is 20/20." Although, I am not sure that we could have known what we were missing until we left it. We also had something to prove to ourselves.

I have hope for the future, but I know that the end of the tunnel is at least a year and a half away, more likely longer, two. I do not want to get in the habit of living only for what we may have in the future. I may miss out on today. I am glad that Andrew can now see the light. This is a hopeful sign for all.

1 comment:

Anne said...

Oh, Renee!! I understand.. and I sympathize. You're in our prayers! I'm sure Alexander will be fine--with parents like you guys, how could a kid not be? :)