Monday, March 8, 2010

Fallen Asleep

I think back to the fall when I had so much energy. I exerted so much energy and effort into household things—decorating and making our home hospitable, cleaning and laundry, meal planning and activities with the children. These days I barely have the energy to feed myself and it is very “buminating,” as Andrew would say. I have boughts of narcolepsy, which I cannot control or avoid.  I long for those days when I was in control of this body.

Poor Andrew can hardly stand my furrowed brow another moment. My face is all knit up holding back the gagging feeling. I thought that I was going to make it through this pregnancy without tossing a meal. Alas, Saturday morning was the end to my record. I was swept away in a gagging fit from which there was no return. I lost my Saturday morning doughnuts.

Then there are the quiet moments. The agonizing quiet moments, which are both edifying and cathartic, and a tempest of misery. From time to time throughout my days, I find myself in a mess of hot, steamy tears. It’s the normal routine that seems a little too stressful in my pregnant state of disarray. It’s the mother in the news article who lost her son. It’s faith on the deepest level—all evoke emotions once untapped.

My least favorite quiet moment is 3:33 a.m. It’s the time I wake up every morning. I hear the whimpers and murmurs of Kristiana in the next room. Then my bladder and my empty stomach begin to nag and I begin to have thoughts for the coming day. I roll out of bed and attempt to quiet all the noise. I settle the baby, visit the restroom and grab a cereal bar from the pantry. Then I flop onto the sofa and I begin to pray intensely to quiet my aching soul.

In a few more weeks I should emerge from this strange other existence. My rewards shall be great—a little kicking baby to bring a smile to my face. I only hope my husband can forgive the severe neglect and crabbiness. I only hope the Lord Almighty can forgive the selfishness I hold to so dearly as I drag myself through the mire.  I do not even suffer the pangs of the first trimester as greatly as some I know.  I will have a lot to make up for when I emerge.

My blogging may be scant for a few more weeks.


Kayleen said...

Renee, I know you already know this, but you can do it! You can get through this and come out on the other side a stronger and more joyful woman. You DO have much on your plate; two young children, a home to run, a baby to grow. You are struggling to stay positive and faithful - and God sees that and He is proud of you. He is there with you in all those difficult moments; He suffered, too, so he knows your pain. I will say some extra prayers for you, and your hubby, in the next few weeks.

(By the way, this is a very eloquent post. Don't know if you were doing that purposely but I can really read your words and feel your emotions! Beautiful said, even though they are painful thoughts.)

Anne said...

I'm so thankful for your blog posts! In so many wonderful ways, they give me strength, even from so far away :)

thank you for sharing. We will be praying! Let me know if you need me to come out for a weekend to pamper you and play with your kiddies :)

Michelle M. said...

I am sorry you're going through such a rough time. I can sympathize because I was very sick with #2 and #3 for atleast 22 weeks each. I could barely function. Thankfully, there is hope that it will get better, but I know how slowly the time drags by when you are going through it. Prayers!