1. I can choose…how I feel and react to things. Even if sometimes I do not choose to do the right action at first, I get to choose my subsequent actions. In a weary state, I decided my feelings were hurt. I decided something important to me had been forsaken. I knew that my decision to be sad was wrong, but I could not help crying. I was tired and feeling raw. So I cried and complained. I centered on myself; I focused on my pain. I talked to a friend about it and felt a little better to not be burying it inside anymore. I tried to distract myself with T.V. Finally, my husband came in the room and asked me what was wrong. Then he cracked a couple of laugh inducing jokes and I felt relaxed enough to drag myself to bed for a little reading and spiritual guidance. Let me be clear, I knew how tired, irrational and hormonal I was. I knew my reaction to this situation was foolish and wrong from the beginning. I hoped I would feel better in the morning. I did not. It took some fussing around in bed and then I recognized my choice. As a dear friend put it, “Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.” (James 4:10), the grace I had pleaded for arrived. I jumped to ready myself for the day and hopped to it with joy. I thank the Lord for delivering me from my selfishness.
2. I cannot choose…the raging end of pregnancy hormones; the sleeplessness brought on by hormones; the exhaustion brought on from supporting another human life, carrying around extra weight and not sleeping; the fact that my kids are waking up a lot more in the night these days and waking up an hour earlier in the morning. Alex was anxious and sleepless right before Kristiana was born too. I expect things will settle back down about a month after birth. Tylenol PM will be my friend tonight.
3. Help from whom I need it most… My husband has given me a lot of help lately in terms of taking care of the kids when I feel really tired and giving me support when I feel emotional and irrational. I love him. Sometimes, I think to myself, how can he be so inconsiderate because of x-y-z. I quickly correct myself. He is constantly helpful, never complains and we are most of the time in sync with each other. But most importantly, he is the one from whom I need support most.
4. Deliverance…On Thursday, I intended to go to confession before daily Mass. It was at a church I do not normally attend. It had been far too long since I had been to confession and it was truly time. Unfortunately, delays kept me and I only arrived in time for Mass. I was quite upset. I was mostly upset because I had missed it again. This WAS my moment. My heart ached all during Mass for a multitude of reasons. I began to surrender it all, and finally the grace came to me. It occurred to me that I could ask the priest after Mass to hear my confession. I am normally so introverted about these things and would tell myself that there would be another opportunity at a designated reconciliation time. Nevertheless, the grace had come to me and peace was delivered.
5. When home school gets heavy…I bought a new cabinet to keep all of Alex’s puzzles and home school supplies. Alex is a puzzle fiend. They are taking up half my new cabinet. I ran off to Wal-mart to buy this cabinet in the heat of instant gratification. Sixty-nine pounds was clearly printed on the box. I knew this was too much to lift even when not pregnant. I was determined to take this home then. So I figured if I could lean it over and lever it into the cart, I could probably get it into my van. I managed to get it into the shopping cart. It was too heavy. I had a few other things to pick up at the store, so I continued shopping with a ridiculously over-sized box in the cart. As I reached the back of the store, I saw two Mormon missionaries and thought, I should ask those young men to put this in my van for me. But, I hadn’t finished shopping. I promised Alex I would bring home humus for his lunch and I hadn’t found it yet. So I passed by the young men. When I arrived at my car, I looked around the parking lot for aid. There were only feeble elderly men around. So I again figured I could lever it into my car. Not quite, but I managed to get it in and triumphantly drove home. My husband asked me how I got it into the car…it was my determination to be gratified.
6. Catholic Gadget…I was referred to this tool called Catholic Gadget (http://www.catholicgadget.com/). It creates a toolbar at the top of your browser. The tools are full of links to Catholic resources for families. I have used it a lot in the past couple of weeks and been pleasantly surprised at each new resource I find.
7. Oh baby… No official progress. I am just trying to be patient. I am just trying to not express discomfort. I think perhaps we will see the due date. But we were just treated to a lovely, fun and relaxing baby shower. It is so nice to celebrate life. I am humbled and grateful.