When Does It Go Away?

So I've been wondering when I will stop feeling pain over the loss of Xavier.  I have anguished over missing this baby who would never be mine to hold.

I accepted his loss too soon.  I told myself its okay.  "Not now."  Everything that comes to me is in God's hands.  I did not realize how I would long for him in the months to come.  So I've had my meltdowns; and I've confided in others; and I'm learning it does not ever go away.  I might think on it less.  But I might also have a cry eight years from now.  I guess this too is a part of motherhood.

A child stays in your heart forever--one that was in the womb; one that breathed one breath; one you held for three years; one you loved for all the rest of your days.

So the answer is, as I am told, this pain will not ever go away.

Most days have been good, but Xavier is never far from my thoughts.