Love Letters

Love Letters to God 

Love Letters to My Spouse

I never knew true friendship until I met him.  It all began when he asked me in an email what were my views on Love.  He said he had recently had a conversation with a friend about it and he wanted to know what I thought.  I returned an essay on the topic.  I recall I wrote something like the agape notion of love even though at the time I am sure I had no understanding of the term.  I would have to find the email again, which I saved of course, to quote it.  But it said something to the effect: to love for the sake of love, in which there is something to love, a good, in everything.  I stated that everything which God has made is meant to be loved. Everything that is created, everyone, is worthy of love, and I loved all things because God created them. Then I concluded by saying that I loved him based on my previous premise.  I hardly knew him when I declared my love for him.  But, the moment I did, we were bound.

 

Love Letters to My Kids

[I made a photo book for Alex after a year of writing icons and at the end of it I wrote this.]

"Dear Alex,

'Permit the children to come to me; do not hinder them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. And He took them in His arms and began blessing them, laying His hands upon them' (Mark 10:14,16). It all began when you asked me to copy an Icon of Christ with all the children. But instead of drawing the children from the icon, I drew you and Kristiana so that you might know that you are children of God, the Son, Christ Jesus. Through this sacred window into Heaven I hoped that you would recognize and feel God's love, and in return, I hoped that you would love God.

Alex, I am so proud of you and this year we have spent writing icons together. We have learned so much about faith. You have helped me to grow closer to God and love Him more by giving me the opportunity to look through these windows into Heaven more often and more seriously. I pray for you constantly that you will grow to be a good and holy man. I pray that you will not turn your back on God. I pray that you will love God all the days of your life and you will know His love as well. Remember that God is "Everywhere present and fills all things." You can take God in with all your senses and with your whole body. You can even see Heaven everyday in ordinary things. You can see God on a painted, wooden plank. You only need to have faith. Thank you for this special time together, Alex. I will cherish it always. Love, Mommy"

 

Love Letters to Friends

To those who have inspired me, loved me, prayed for me. To those who stand by me in the hard times and the good.  Thank you.  May God bless you all the days of your life. (P.S. Don't be sad if you don't see your picture. I just don't have pictures of all the wonderful people I love).

Tot Talk: Prayers

"Kristiana, do you have any prayers to offer?"

"Yes, I thank God for rainbows!" 

I add, "Oh, good.  Rainbows are God's promise to never destroy humanity again to punish us.  It is a sign of hope for us."

"Annie, do you have any prayers to offer?"  Annie simply looks up and nods her head up and down a couple of times.  Then she makes some barely audible humming and cooing sounds through her pacifier. 

"Lucy, do you have any prayers to offer?"  I am making a habit of asking our three month old for her prayers so no one forgets that she is a person and one day will offer her prayers aloud.  

Kristiana bursts in, "Lucy has prayers.  She thanks God for boobies." 

"I'm sure she does."

7 Quick Takes - New Vocabulary

1. My father-in-law set us onto watching the new Sherlock Holmes series from the BBC.  It was very good.  Once we finished watching the two seasons he had, I downloaded the complete Adventures of Sherlock Holmes onto my Kindle for $0.99.  I have been enjoying reading it very much.  I do not think I would have been prepared mentally to enjoy it so much as a youth.  I am glad I am reading it as an adult.  I have had to look up new words every other page.  Thus, I have been increasing my vocabulary.  If you wish to increase you vocabulary, simply pick up a copy of The Study in Scarlet by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. 

2. I have been busy going to the gym and caring for my nieces.  The nieces have been coming over a couple days a week so their parents can take them to soccer practice after work.  They live out of town.  It has been good to spend extra time with them.  But, I will be honest, it is tiring having lots of extra children in the house.  I thought kids were supposed to get easier as they get older, but it's a whole different kind of difficulty and tiring.  

3.  The fitness instructor at the gym I have been going to has me feeling really insecure about my body.  She is way over the top about fitness.  She yells at the class telling us to work harder and gives details on how we ought to do it.  This should not make me feel insecure, but it does.  Supposedly, this would be the mark of a good instructor.  I mean she works us hard and gets us in shape.  But, could it be too much for the novice?  I expect a lot from myself.  The fact that I cannot achieve what she demands makes me feel very discouraged.  I have a long way to go, a lot of weight to lose to get back to a good weight.  I feel like there is great meaning in achieving this.  It would mean I would feel more comfortable not having to battle with the big belly just sitting, or stuffing big thighs into pants.  It would mean my clothes fit.  It would be good for my varicose vein problem.  It would mean that I am not doing something wrong.  I am working hard and finally seeing some results.  Hopefully, I can keep it up.  I put it all into the hands of God.  Nothing is achievable without Him.

4. Speaking of the gym, after a particularly hard workout and tears were wiped away from my eyes (emotional anguish, not physical), I exclaimed to myself and to Facebook the famous Nietzschian quote,"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." This is not always true, but we certainly do learn from our experiences and adapt to manage life's challenges better.  It is why captives can endure years of torture--they adapt to their situation.  Anyhow, all this to say, while I was pregnant, my husband and I determined that perhaps future pregnancy would be unwise, since the pregnancy was so difficult.  However, I will not fret over it if another pregnancy should come, because I have learnedfrom the last.  I will need to adapt to the situation and prepare our family better for it.  I am stronger now. 

5. Our little baby sleeps long stretches at night.  It was not by my design.  I just can not seem to wake her in the night.  Which makes me feel a little guilty since according to NFP protocol this does not cause extended infertility.  But, I think I will take the rest she has afforded me.  Finally, a baby who sleeps well.

6. Pudgey Wudgey was a baby.  Lucy with one of her cousins, her brother and sister. 

 

7. Alex was a slug giving slithering rides across the floor.  Kids do the darndest things. Earlier in the week, the kids turned on the hose in the backyard to make a river and a dam.  I told them to turn it off, because it wasted water.  So they filled up their sandbox with water and told me it was the ocean.  Then they made little islands in it.  The only problem is now they do not have a sandbox and they constantly come inside muddy and wet.  But I cannot be too upset.  I was a daily mudpie kind of kid.  I don't remember my parents ever fussing at me for it. 

The Wonders of Nature

Well I said I wanted to get back to nature this summer.  I just didn't think it would be this easy.  Nature is just knocking at our door every day here.  This week the cats attacked a quail nest.  The result was that the kids got to rescue/manhandle a baby quail.   After purchasing baby bird formula and reading the baby-bird care insert, I realized that caring for the baby bird might be more difficult than caring for my own newborn.  So I went online and found a nearby bird rescue.  

Later that day, grand mom found slugs to catch and observe. Life is so fascinating.  We only need open our eyes to observe the wonders of nature.

 

Teddy Bear Picnic

This is how I found Annie this morning.  All by herself.  No one else was up.  She had found teddy bears, climbed up on the sofa, covered herself with a blanket and was cuddling the bears.  She is a person who knows how to take care of herself pretty well.  She will do well in this world.  She knows what she wants and knows how to get it.

7 Quick Takes - #FirstWorldProblems

1. I have been fretting about my weight lately.  My clothes do not fit and I am as heavy as I have ever been.  Also, I believe this would help the veins in my legs more so, if I were A LOT lighter.  I have been working out and trying to eat less, but I do not think it has helped much.  I am not comfortable at this weight.  I think this is a terrible problem.  This is one of my new prayer intercessions for myself.  But at least this is a sign that I have plenty to eat. #beingoverweight

2. This week, I signed Alex up for home school.  I worry that I will not be able to execute this properly considering that Alex has his own notions of how home school ought to be.  I worry that I will not be diligent enough to make this work, that I will lose stamina for the challenges I will face and get lazy.  I also hate to have to gird myself against those who do not agree with our decision to home school. #privilegededucation

3. Always in the summer we struggle to make bills because my husband's paychecks only come during the school year.  So we try to financially plan and he also gets summer teaching.  But something always seems to come up.  Then we have to figure out how to make things work.  I stress.  Then we have to play catch up in the fall, which is another reason why we never seem to have enough in the summer, because we are always trying to recover from the previous summer.  Nothing will ever be solved until we change, i.e. accept the means we have.  Yeah, that means fewer luxuries like new clothes and meat for dinner whenever we like.  If we had not made so much debt getting educated, we would be in a better situation.  My advice, counsel your kids to not go into debt for education.  Education is good, but do it without debt.  #debt

4. Speaking of luxuries, we took the kids to play in the downtown area.  There are all sorts of kids rides down there.  We all delight in watching the kids have a good time…Our kids always get strawberry or chocolate flavors in their milk if they want it…If they want something all they have to do is use proper manners and give us a quasi-good reason.  Then we wonder why they think they can manipulate us with fits.  Think again, kiddos.  I guess it would help our budget if we knock off this kind of parenting.  But, we do want them to have fond memories of childhood.  We do want to reward them for doing/being good.  We just have to figure out how to do that without opening our wallets.  #overindulgentparents

5. Every time we come to Spokane...#momiwantaponyride

6. Strawberry Picking #payingtodolabor

7. A relative of ours has come for a visit.  We all love him very much, but it's been hard to express that over the years.  Without saying too much about his situation, he's homeless among other problems.  As we sat around catching up with him he said, "Being homeless sucks, that's why everyone on the street is high.  It would suck even more sober."   Immediately, this leads to some pretty stern reflections.  Firstly, I reflect about how it would feel to not have enough to eat, especially when I am fretting about having too much to eat.  He said he did not have any food for four days last week.  Needless to say, he has been scarfing down food at meals like a person who hasn't seen good food in a while.  Seeing someone without, firsthand, sure does make all the luxuries we enjoy daily seem greater and makes all my troubles seem petty.  #realitycheck

The Third Annual Claytonopolis Great West Tour

"Someday when our kids are bigger and better able to manage themselves, unbuckle and buckle themselves in the car, get their own snacks, and walk long distances, we are going to really enjoy this trip to Washington--stopping along the way to visit all the sites, eat great food and have better visits with friends and family."  That is what I said to my husband as we sped through the middle of nowhere, Wyoming, listening to a symphony of crying and whining children, hulking a variety of snacks in their direction, yelling at the eldest to "Put your seatbelt back on!" for the umpteenth time.  We just wanted it to end.  We just wanted to get to our stopping place in Montana so that we could rest and let the kids jump furiously all over the beds before they crashed for the night.  We knew they would wake us, early at first light, like the song-birds.  We took them swimming before breakfast to wear them out once more before we got back into the car to make the final leg to Washington.

We dragged our lot into the breakfast room at the hotel.  Of course, we only booked hotels that served free breakfast and accommodate dogs.  Yes, we are "that" family.  At breakfast we received lots of stares.  It had happened to us a few days before when stayed at the previous hotel before we stopped at my sister's house in Colorado Springs.  I guess we are a sight to behold with what some people call "stair step children"--kids born one right after the other.  After breakfast, I said to my husband.  "You know, I have enjoyed all the stares and comments about our family this trip. I'm proud of our family.  Our kids are clearly adorable and I am happy we have them."  I am sure many people delighted in watching our little hobbit babies eating their fruit loops and making little coos. 

Now let's back track a little.  My husband changed the departure date on me.  I had the two youngest girls scheduled for immunizations the day before we were to depart.  I wanted to give them 24 hours to see if they would have any adverse reactions.  But, my husband was eager to get back to his childhood home--Washington.  So I did not argue.  This meant washing, packing and cleaning time would be cut short a day.  None of the beds in the house were going to get clean sheets.  That's okay, I thought, because they would just be full of dust when we returned.  But, the morning of the new departure day we awoke to, Annie, our 21 month old, puking and diarrhea.  I guessed we were not going to leave, after all my mad preparations.

By the late afternoon, Annie had not puked again so we decided to leave anyway. I figured that it seemed to be a mild virus, so if we have to stay a little while longer at the hotel puking at least we will be seven hours closer to our final destination, which was 31 hours away.  In the rush to leave I left some food in the fridge.  Oops.  We arrived at the hotel and settled in for the night.  But, all night I tossed and turned.  My stomach was upset.  Nothing ever came of it, but I was achey all the next day.  On that day we drove another seven hours to Colorado Springs to visit my sister.  

The night we arrived, we all slept in the same room with one bed and one blow-up mattress.  Round 3 of the virus.  At 3:30 in the morning I awoke to Alex puking all over me.  That's right.  My five year old child covered me in vomit.  Then he told my sister in a sleepy stupor that mommy bought the spicy chips.  The ones he just lost allover mommy.  I had trouble getting back to sleep and some of the kids awoke a few hours later.  It was over 100 degrees.  It was very uncomfortable on account that there is no air-conditioning in much of this mountain city.  We were melting.  Annie threw a three hour fit.  She was overtired, hot and disoriented.  I took her for a drive to cool and settle her.  She calmed down.  

My sister had a big barbecue planned for 27 of her closest friends. Or should I say not planned.  We bought the barbecue the night before and my husband put it together in the morning.  Then we shopped for all the food and assembled it in the afternoon.  It was quite a feat.  But, it turned out to be a grand affair and everyone seemed to have a good time.  As I began to think about tucking myself into bed around 12:30 a.m. Kristiana puked all over her bed.  Round 4 and the final round of the virus.  Fortunately, she was alone on the blow-up mattress.  It was relatively easy to clean up. This was the day the big forest fire broke out in Colorado Springs and plumes of smoke ascended over the city.  It was an ominous sight.  By Monday, when we departed the air quality was very bad. It was hazy and ashy in the city.  We were happy we had not planned to stay longer, and we prayed for everyone the fire affected. 

Monday we rushed through Wyoming, reading the Hunger Games the whole way.  Andrew drives, I read, the kids watch DVDs mostly.  It was an exhilarating adventure.  We stayed the night in Billings, Montana and began reading the second book in the trilogy, Catching Fire.  We have now begun the final book, Mockingjay, and are racing each other to the end.  At first, we were skeptical, because the grammar is quite poor in places.  I suppose the poor grammar might be for effect in the same way that there is southern slang in Huck Finn. 

There's not much more to say about the journey north--puking, heat, barbecue, fire, swimming, reading.  This time around we felt very prepared for the trip and therefore we were not very phased by anything that happened.  We arrived safe and sound at the home of my husband's parents and we have settled in.  We have been going to movies and seeing friends and relaxing all around.  We are so blessed to have this wonderful family.

This is the mess that Annie made in the back of the car over the four day trip. And this is after me trying to clean out as much as I could at every stop. The odor was a special scent as well. 

 

Because

Because babies are cute and change everyday, here are picture updates of Lucy, 2 months today.  Hopefully soon I will have a post about or trip to Washington.

 

Philia

Some friends thought of me and brought me some gifts today.  I am ever so thankful and humbled at this honor.  I know that seems trite.  But honestly, It never ceases to amaze me how kind, caring, and charitable people can be.  Thomas Hobbes said, "life in the state of nature is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short."  But I believe though we are fallen, the spark within humanity, placed by God Almighty, makes life beautiful and bright.  May we all let "It" shine.

 

Snack Attack

These kids do not eat meals.  They snack, which of course drives me mad, because I have to feed them all day and at inopportune times.  These girls crack me up about their snacks too.  They don't want a grill cheese sandwich.  They want a vegetable tray with ranch dressing (Okay, and candy or sugary cereal, but that makes me sick to purchase knowing what's in it).  We have been obsessed with vegetable trays this summer.  So here are my two goofy girls, who helped themselves to this veggie tray.  They took it out of the fridge, climbed up on the table and devoured nearly all of it.  Well done girls. 

7 Quick Takes - Mommy Takes

Usually, I update on the kids or each member of the family and what we are doing as a family. This post is a little different. It's a weird post for Father's Day. Perhaps in a few days I will come up with a Father's Day post.

1. Glum - I wrote about having the baby blues in a previous post.  With previous babies, I had never quite experienced something like this.  It was quite a roller coaster.  There were moments when I felt overwhelmed and I felt if I did not get away from the whining, clinging and demands, I might hurt the children.  Thankfully my husband has been home and available for these moments.  If I had been alone, I would have tucked them away in there rooms for some unscheduled quiet time, a.k.a., Mommy-timeout.

Now, I seem to be evening out back into myself.  For the most part I am well.  But, I still seem to be a little glum.  I still am looking to find the beacon of inner-light.  I feel it is coming.  I think that going into summer mode has complicated things.  I need my regular routine and order.  Having a new baby forces us to scale back what we can do, plus, my husband has less routine with his job, and we are not organizing home school lessons.  I just need to keep busy...and I wonder where my son gets it.

6 weeks postpartum visit with my midwives - They were both there to catch baby Lucy.

2. Darn Song - I regularly go to group exercise classes at my gym.  During the relaxation portion of the yoga class I go to the instructor plays the song below.  Darn song!  It is about losing a loved  one.  Every time it plays I start crying, because I think of my brother who we lost tragically.  No one has noticed my crying, because at this point in the class everyone is red faced and dripping sweat and the lights are a little dim.  (Yeah, this song plus postpartum hormones = emotional lady).  It's played right before the portion where we lay down and turn the lights even lower.  So I have time to collect myself.  Darn song keeps making me cry, they need to stop playing it!  Don't they know that some people are going to feel very strongly about the song selections.  There is another one about a woman giving a baby up for adoption.  It's very sad.  It's so odd to get all emotional at the gym where I ought to feel great from the endorphins. 

3. Leg-acy - I thought that giving birth would provide relief to the varicose veins in my leg.  I was just praying for an early delivery so that relief might come.  In the end, I was granted that early delivery, even though my three other children were all delivered in the 40th week.  I do not know why this caused me so much agony.  My leg certainly seemed to have less trouble in the days after the birth.  It seemed a slow improvement.  It was not instant relief.  But a few weeks later things seemed almost normal.  Today, just the nested veins behind my knee feel a little hot and achey.  But the rest of my leg feels right.  It feels normal.  I would like to lose ALL of this baby weight to help things even further.  But, I am happy the vein problems are only present while pregnant.  If we have another child, I will have to be better prepared for this problem and anticipate fully the measures I will need to take to endure better.

Before

After

4. Sad Day - our favorite kids store is closing.  I cannot imagine our lives without this store.  The store sells so many of our favorite things.  There are also kids activities there and a play area, all for free.  I sort of hope that the store finds a way to reopen, or reconsider. :-( It's been a great addition to our community.

5. New Addition - My mom came for a visit and we thought this would be a perfect time to tile the kitchen backsplash, since she is an expert at home renovation.  We are lucky to have her talent.  We love home improvement.

Pretty Natural Stones - marbles and granites, and sandstone 

6. My baby can swim! It's one of those proud momma moments.  This swim class did not allow parents to stay, which I thought was great, but I had no idea what was going on--trusted though.  By the end of the week, they had a show-off day.  I could not believe that in a mere five days of 30 minute lessons my baby learned to swim on his own, without his momma teaching him.  I am so glad he learned this new skill.  But, it was also a reminder to me that someday my baby bird will spread his wings and fly away from my nest (hopefully not until he's' 30 ;-).  Two nights this week he read the bedtime stories to me instead of vice versa.  I was pleased with this as well.

7. Not a Newborn - Lucy stopped looking like a newborn this week.  She is just barely fitting into size one diapers. By next week she will be into size two for sure.  Both Lucy's and Annie's newborn phase went by so quickly.  I hardly remember being pregnant and giving birth; and Lucy seems like an infant now.  I am sure I will blink and she will be a toddler.  I am definitely trying to savor my babies these days.  I do not know how people with just two children don't long for those days when their babies slept on their chests and made baby noises. There are drawbacks to babies, but the goodness of each child always seems to outweigh.  I was just thinking the other day if I had stopped after two I would never know Annie and she is such a wonderful child.  I could not imagine not having her.  Which just shows me, how important each person is. 

Celebrate the New Christian

Baptized, Chrismated and First Communion

Welcome Lucy Macaria

"All you who have baptized into Christ have been clothed in Christ." (Gal 3:27)

Exorcism

Baptism

Chrismation

 The Communion of Christ's Church

 

Wholly A Sin

To clarify further, I think loneliness is wholly a sin no matter how you dice it up, because it dishonors God.  To say you are lonely dishonors God, because God "is everywhere present and fills all things, treasury of blessings and Giver of life."  He is all Good.  To wallow in loneliness and despair is to not recognize God's presence and is to deny hope in Him.  Loneliness is blasphemy.  

Look to the hermits.  A hermit is never alone truly, because he is in the presence of God.  A good hermit is never lonely and never despairs.  So if you despair in loneliness, know it is sin that makes you feel this way.  God does not desire us to be lonely.  He created the whole universe as a sign that we are not alone.  Yet, if you feel lonely, this is an affect of the fall.

"And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him.  And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof" (Gen 2:18-19).

I know it is hard to swallow this pill in your isolated and dark feelings, but really this should bring you hope that God is there to lift you up and love you.

To forgive is a giving action.  I give you something, and that is my love and pardon from transgression.  When God pardons us, He also gives us something.  His love.  We are to do the same. 

Psalm 130

Out of the depths I have cried to You, O Lord.
Lord, hear my voice!
Let Your ears be attentive
To the voice of my supplications.
If You, Lord, should mark iniquities,
O Lord, who could stand? 
But there is forgiveness with You,

That You may be feared.
I wait for the Lord, my soul does wait,
And in His word do I hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
More than the watchmen for the morning;
Indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning.
O Israel, hope in the Lord;
For with the Lord there is lovingkindness,
And with Him is abundant redemption.
And He will redeem Israel
From all his iniquities.

 

Needing You

Alex said last night, "Mommy, Lucy needs you most, more than anything else in the world."  He said it just like that with the emphasis on "you," and very matter of factly.  I cannot tell you how much I loved hearing him say that.  I loved it because it's true.  I loved it because my young, innocent, five year old observed it.  Then he followed that declaration up with another little gem right before he went to bed.  "Mommy,  Lucy's a booby fan!"  Very funny and also true.

Now meet my best baby-sitters.

Big Sisters

Plastic Turtle (per Kristiana while mommy showered)

Beethoven No. 9 and Paci (per husband alone with baby while mommy was at the gym)