Sneaky Grief

This week, I have begun to wonder if I need a grief counselor to help me with the loss of this last pregnancy. 

A lot of people have announced pregnancy due dates recently, and every time they do, I feel quite sad and jealous.  I do not think this is a healthy reaction.  I am both happy for my friends and angry I am not in that number.  Many of them are first time moms or second pregnancies.  There's no reason to be jealous, when I have enjoyed four successful pregnancies and four healthy children.  I just longed to hold yet another beautiful new life and stare into his eyes and know this is the fruit of my labors.

There are a lot of little things like other women experiencing healthy pregnancies, that feel like small daggers in my heart.  I reminded myself I needed to make a followup appointment with the midwife and then felt sick and burst into tears. I don't think I will make that appointment.  It only goes on from there--the little things that sneak up on me almost everyday.

However, when I think about going to a grief counselor, I talk myself out of it for the pure fact that this situation just sucks and it takes time.  Part of me feels like I will feel this way until I pass the due date.  But then what? Will I be sad to see children who would be the same age?  Will I still mourn this 30 years from now like my mother.  Or will it pass on like the grief I felt at my brother's death, which took many months, a full year, to feel sound again.

Part of me feels like another pregnancy would heal emotional wounds.  A large family is a blessing.  I have seen it be a blessing.  The children have asked for more siblings.  I would cherish the preciousness of another infant in the house.

On the other hand, there are many reasons why that is not a good idea.  Firstly, by no means do I think one life replaces another.  Thusly, it would not necessarily make things "better." Secondly, it cost me as much to lose this baby as it did to birth a baby.  We need to recover financially.  I also feel like I need time to recover physically.  My body is so depleted after this.  Not to mention, I know I will have to deal with varicose veins again.

Maybe that is why this loss is hard for me to accept and move on, because there are many reasons why pregnancy is not a good idea despite the fact that I would like to expand our family.

I have a lot of life in my own home to focus on.  One child takes a lot of effort.  Four children take even more effort.  They all need some sort of special attention. 

So I bide, hoping that one day the grief will pass like the memory of labor pains.  I remember laboring and what happened, but I can't remember the pain.  Something tells me emotional pain is never really gone.  It can be called up from one's mental depths by triggers.  It's for me to manage and put it where its appropriate.