Something in the Heart

As I read a little deeper in "A Mother's Rule of Life" by Holly Peirlot, I find myself more and more deeply moved.  I definitely see myself and my own journey in this book.  The beginning the chapter on the first "P" of life, prayer, she describes a time in her life of utter despair when she went on "The Something Search."  She was seeking to fill that hole in her heart.  She was not sure what had caused it or what would fill it.  It was about the time her father left her family that she also left her Catholic upbringing behind, because she could not see any point in it.  After years of seeking for something to fill the void in her heart she finally uttered a desperate prayer for God to reveal Himself to her.  In time, He did.

I went through a similar journey during my adolescent years.  This is one of the reasons I have said in the past, I feel I have suffered in ways that could send a man to the brink and back.  I do not think there is anything more painful than when you become aware of the great void within.  Nothing aches like the searing pain of when you feel that hole inside and you have nothing to fill it.  And you search and search in all sorts of places looking to fill it and it's like throwing pebbles into the Grand Canyon--it could never be filled this way.  Like Holly, I also had a Catholic upbringing to fall back upon.  But, if there was a God, He was not revealing Himself to me.  (She later points out that some people never have a "moment" of conversion, because they have always lived close to the Lord.)

I remember being a faith filled child, but as time went on and I met the cruel realities of the world about me and it did not seem as though anything would help me away from all the evil.  I had no more answers left and no one to turn to.  I was in darkness a lot longer than most would guess.  Not even my family was aware of this struggle.  Then I went on a trip to France with my french class.  The first place we were taken by the tour guide, fresh from the airplane, was to Sacre-Coeur Basilica.  It is at a very high point in the city of Paris and one can view the whole city, which is why we were taken there, not because of the Basilica.  I think I was one of the few students who went into the Basilica.  It was unlike anything I had ever seen before--at least not in person.  I was not quite sure what I was experiencing, but something stirred within me.  I went to the gift shop and bought a Sacred Heart medal.  I knew I had to remember this moment.  I put it on and that moment began a new era in my life.  I wore that medal for nine years until my son was born and the chain broke and I lost it.  When that happened, I figured another new era had begun--Motherhood.

The View from Sacre-Coeur Basilica

The Exterior of Sacre-Coeur

The Apse of Sacre-Coeur

The Medal

The moment in Sacred Heart Basilica was not "magic."  I was not healed.  I was not saved.  But finally, I was awakened to God again.  The journey back to the sacramental life and true conversion was a lot longer than that.  It was three more years until I was officially back into the Church.  It took Reconciliation, Eucharist, Graces of the Holy Spirit,  scripture, Catechism and fellowship to bring me back from the brink of despair.  I finally had God's love to fill me.  It was the only thing that filled me during my whole life.

As I read this section of "A Mother's Rule of Life" all of this came flooding back to me and I remembered the pain of that void.  I was thankful for the remembrance.  It was good to remember what it was like without God in my life and know that I never want to feel that despair again.  It was good to shed tears and know that God is present and was present that day in Sacre-Coeur Basilica.  The author's point in sharing this experience is two fold.  One must search one's self and one's journey, and seek his or her vocation to know the Rule appropriate for one's own life.  The other point, is that it is important to put God first in life, schedule time with God first and actively seek Him first all the days of your life.

Hopelessly in Love

I did not think my way into the Byzantine Church as many do having left their previous churches seeking more.   There could be no other explanation than I was like a loyal dog, on a leash, led by God.  At the time I was a lost little college student.  I had dumped my engineering major and was seeking out a new major.   I landed on philosophy a short time later.  One might think being a learned individual, I was searching more in faith, a thinking man's worship—deeper theology, greater reverence, greater tradition.   Let’s be honest,  who isn’t looking for deeper faith.  But, at the time I felt quite sound in my faith and confident in the Roman Catholic Church.  Seeking theology, reverence and tradition were decidedly not what brought me to the doorstep of a Byzantine church.

I had a boyfriend whom I had actually tried not to date.  I had told him I had sworn off dating and I was just praying for God to guide me to my future husband or religious vocation.  But, he said that was okay, because he did not want to date either.  He wanted to court with the intention to marry.  Whoa!  I was not ready for that.  But in truth, there were a lot of signs, not lost on either of us, that God was bringing us together.  With courtship in mind, we fell hopelessly in love.

I was Catholic and he was Orthodox.  We were very much in favor of our own particular denominations.  Where he saw trouble, I saw reconcilability and vice versa.  We came to an impasse, either we find commonality in faith and worship or split ways, and neither of us was budging.  Finally, he told me there was a way, but he was not keen on leaving his church, which had nurtured him into true faith.  We visited a Byzantine Catholic church--a church of ancient Eastern theology, under the umbrella of Rome.  I was startled by the Liturgy.  I was unlike any Liturgy I had ever experienced.  It was long, chanted, everything was said three times; there was lots of incense and some language I had never heard before.  However, during the Liturgy I naively identified all the parts of the Roman Liturgy within the Byzantine; and later told my boyfriend that it was acceptable in my eyes.

Everyone at the church was friendly and coached us along.  The cantor told us how when she entered the Byzantine church the priest had told her that soon she would be chanting the hymns and prayers throughout her day.  She was sweet, but I thought it would be a while before I got the hang of the chanting.  In actuality, it was about four Sundays and my boyfriend and I were chanting in the car to each other.

In time I became more knowledgeable of the deep theology behind the most ancient Christian Liturgy (I am still a novice).  But, immediately I enjoyed the deeper reverence and greater tradition.  And best of all, I was able to worship with my best friend and soon to be husband.  Within the doors of the Byzantine Church, we determined that we did see eye to eye in matters of faith.  We were crowned in the marriage crowning in the Byzantine Church.  We remain Byzantine today.  We raise our children in the Byzantine tradition.  It will be nine years this January that we first celebrated the Lamb’s Supper in the Byzantine Church.

We used to live just 25 minutes from that Byzantine church.   I grew up in a small town.  To me, that was a long way to go for church.  Little did I know that later I would need to drive 1h45 to get to a Byzantine church.  In my opinion, the drive is worth it.  We have been trying to get to the Byzantine Liturgy more often this year.   Especially since our children can receive the Eucharist there.  Last Sunday, after being away for about six weeks we made the trek to the Byzantine church.  As we rounded the corner and the church was in view, tears welled up in my eyes.  It was a total rush of relief like when you come home after being away.  As I gathered my emotions, I realized I am hopelessly in love--Byzantine style.

On the day of our betrothal in the Byzantine church.
February 2005

 

 

 

7. Fall Family Fun

7. Pumpkin Patch - We drove an hour to ride some ponies, pet some animals, paint a pumpkin and get ripped off.  He, he, he, it was a fun time.  But next time I think I will stay a little closer to home and go to the local Fair, and paint a pumpkin at home.  Hey kids, I'll even get a baby pool full of rubber ducks and let every one come over and have duck races in our baby pool.  It would be cheaper to do that than drive to the "Empty Your Pockets Farm."

I know you are thinking, why is Renee obsessed with money this week?  Well let's face it.  Build-a-Bear and Pumpkin Farm were not the wisest of monetary decisions this week.  But, I do want my kids to have fond memories of fun things they did with their parents.  I just wish fun was a little more practical and a little more economic.  After today, I am seriously considering having my own little kids carnival in my back yard next year.  I just have to figure out how to get a mini-petting zoo for free.  I just need a couple baby goats or sheep and maybe some baby chicks.  I need a pony too.  I wish I live closer to family.  Then I would have some free labor too. ;-)

Here are some fuzzy moments from our trip to the pumpkin patch.

6. Clean Hands

6. "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands…" Proverbs 31 This week I made my own hand soap…Well, not exactly.  But, I did economize our hand soap. The kids use soooo much hand soap.  They think it is great to fill the sink with bubbles while washing hands.  I am glad their hands are getting clean, but we're out of soap.  So I read that you can use castle soap and water.  I use a tablespoon of Dr. Bronner's and filled the bottle with water.  We now have clean hands and less bubbles, on a budget.

5. I Think I Developed a Hole In My Wallet

5. Buil-A-Bear/Break the Bank - We visited Build-A-Bear this week. The kids each walked away with an adorable, cuddly friend.  But boy is that place is expensive.  I was fully aware of the expense before we went, but for some reason the idea of a toy with a t-shirt appealed to me.  After the kids' toys were made, I have to say it was a special experience and the toys are quality.  I actually would not mind one of my own.  Annie's pink and yellow bear smells like strawberries and is so soft.  We all love it, alas, she does not care about it (yet?).  But yeah, unless someone else is paying, I do not think we will be able to visit again.

4. A Green Triumph

4. Triumph! - On our way to Adoration this week, I piled the kids in the car early in the morning. Kristiana had brought a book along for herself.  Alex insisted he needed a book too.  A copy of "Green Eggs and Ham" was sitting on the floor of the car.  I grabbed it and handed it to him.  In minutes of leaving our home I heard Alex stumbling through the words of the book.  I was sure that he was going to stumble through four or so pages and then give up and look at the pictures in the rest of the book.  He called out, "Mom, what's this word?"

"Honey, I don't know. I am driving."  Then I thought for a couple of seconds and replied, "Alex, there are a lot of 'would you, could you' in the book."  Then I spelled the words for him.  All of a sudden I heard him motoring through the book.  Every once and a while he would ask, "Mom, what's this word?" I would ask him to spell the word and then I would tell him what it was.  By the time we arrived at the Church twelve minutes later, he only had four pages left to read, which he finished in the chapel.

I had no idea he could do that.  I take that back. I believed he could do it, but I am always asking him to stop squirming and just read.  But a relaxed, buckled up, un-pressured, reading session in the car is all he needed.  I am looking forward to years of independent reading!  I am really hoping to instill a love of reading into our children.  When I look back to my childhood, I recognize all the years of missed opportunities to enjoy good literature.

Kudos to Alex!

3. Spilled Milk

3.  Spilled Milk - Oh irony! Why is life ironic sometimes?  One evening, the children were well-occupied and even though it was nearing their bed time I could not stand the sticky, dirty kitchen floor one more moment.  So I was going to sweep and mop before I put them to bed.  I hate to mop and tried to assign this duty to my husband.  But, he never found time and I was tired of sticking to the floor.  I was shocked that no insect and vermin were swarming the kitchen.  Anyhow, with some trouble I got the floor mopped and then put the kids to bed.  Lastly I had to put Annie to bed.  I meandered through the kitchen toward the master bedroom with baby Annie to take her to bed.  She was finishing her last bottle of milk and as she finished, she reached over my shoulder and dropped her bottle.  It was a glass bottle and still had a few ounces left in it.  It shattered ALL OVER the kitchen.  There was even milk on the cabinets and glass spread in every corner.  She managed to drop it just so to make maximum mess.  I plopped her in her high chair and began round 2 of cleaning the kitchen floor.  The next morning I spilled an entire cup of tea on the floor.  I am guessing it is just not my destiny to have a clean floor. That WOULD be too much to ask for.

2. Do Not Store Up For Yourselves Treasures On Earth

2. “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Matthew 6:19-21
Wow, Matthew 6 is such a treasure trove.  It's where we also are given the Lord's Prayer.  Lately, the above teaching has sunken to the bottom of my heart and I feel it there weighing me down heavily.  I have been trying to keep the reigns on our budget and tidy up our finances, as I do every fall.  My husband and I have always paid our bills and on time, but we have had trouble saving and keeping control of debt.  I mean five years of graduate school will do that to you.  We are always playing catch-up.  We know what we need to do.  It is the execution that we struggle with.  But, I have done a lot of searching for guidance in the past month and  I know what I treasure--God, His blessings and Eastern Christian praise and worship of God--then why cannot I not put that first?

1. But Seek First Kingdom of God

1. "But seek first kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33 
At the beginning of the week, with renewed spirit, I attempted with great fervor to keep this teaching.  I know that whatever you serve first is where your heart is.  So I attempted to pray more often. I got up early to pray before the kids woke up.  I read scripture daily.  I was strict with the kids about family prayer times.  I tried to keep up with a schedule, housework, and tending to the needs of the children.  As the week went on, I simply grew weary.  I would say that each day went well, but Friday did not fall anywhere close to the kingdom of God.  To be honest, I am not sure I even glimpsed the kingdom or righteousness all week.  But I want to see it; just not sure how to get there and stay there.  Are there any prayers for the weary? I know there is scripture about working your toils with a smile and laughter in you heart.  Perhaps I need to memorize that one. Does any one know it?

The Nightstand Library

This is what is on my nightstand right now.  All of these books were added to my collection in September.  I am about half way through most of them.  I have finished more of some and less of others.  I hope to finish them all before Christmas.  I have learned so much lately.  I feel so with it.

I am excited about "A Mother's Rule of Life."  I read the first chapter and was all teary-eyed, because I knew how the author felt.  She was a mother at her wits end. She was a home schooling mother of five and never could find the balance.  She prayed and prayed and never could come the answer to her problems, so she decided she was going to send her children to school and that would solve it.  But, her husband asked her to wait a week.  She went months and things did not change.  But, one day in studying scripture it came to her.  Christ feeds the multitudes: When five thousand men came to Christ to be taught and needed to be fed he did not send them away.  He fed them with five loaves and three fishes.  Christ did not solve the problem by sending them away.  He blessed what they had and fed a multitude.

I am a little farther in the book now and I am hoping to glean valuable life management skills from this book.  The book is largely about living a similar life to a religious order Rule and the five "p's" (prayer, person, partner, parent, provider).  In one sense, it is one of those books in which I already knew a lot of this.  However, seeing it in print and well-organized empowers me to actually get my life better organized and prioritized.  I especially needed a reality-check on my attention to prayer as I have been skipping regularly scheduled prayer lately.  The author actually had time to pray the rosary by herself in the middle of the day while having five children at home.  And a private walk by herself after dinner.  What novel ideas.  Time to herself everyday and she did not have to fight for it.  She simply scheduled it and scheduled something for the family to be doing at the same time.

From the new Duggar book, I have learned more about gentle, peaceful parenting, which I definitely need.  My wonderful young children are awesome and such a blessing.  They are also independent little individuals who do not wish to obey immediately.  However, they are also not rational and most of the time my demand that they obey has a lot to do with protecting their safety.  I have noticed that if I sweetly ask for cooperation rather than bark orders I am much more likely to see acquiescence.

What are you reading?  I have to start compiling my list for after Christmas.  As of May I will not be reading any books for at least six months after the new baby is born.  I have to make up for lost time.

 

The Birdman Strikes Again

Some of you may remember the wings I made for the kids during this past summer…

The other day I was at a store with the kids.  We were just there browsing as a "Daddy's Away Let's Stay Busy" outing.  Of course the kids were dazzled by all the bright, shiny, new things at the store.  "Mommy, can we have that?!"

"No, it's too expensive."

"How about that?!"

"No."

"That?!"

"No."

Then my son spotted an eagle mask in the Halloween section.  "Mommy, I need that to go with my wings."

"No, it's too expensive."

"Oh well, you could make me an eagle mask like you made my wings!"

I was somewhat checked out in single-parenthood weariness and delirium.  I heard myself saying, yes, I could make a mask.  But, did I mean it.  Well, I guess I could.  Actually, this could be a fun and exciting keep the kids busy project.  Every day Alex, asked me when I was going to make him an eagle mask.  Every day, I listed off the things that had to be done before we could get to the mask, and then we would never make the mask.  Finally, a week later I did make the mask. I had envisioned Alex glueing on all the feathers.  When it came time, he said, no, you just do it Mommy.  I was actually a little relieved.  It took me no time at all and there was not gluey mess.

Here is the new and improved Birdman.

7 Quick Takes - Weary in Waco

1.  Last week I was a single parent for five days.  It was hard.  I had to do all the daytime and nighttime parenting by myself and as I mentioned last week we have had a lot of trouble with our little sleepers lately.  Normally my husband goes and settles the kids in the night.  He can fall asleep anywhere instantly, so it is not as great a burden on him as it is on me.  If I get up in the night, I am usually up for hours.  I had Kristiana trying to get in my bed every night.  Then one night Alex came to my bed too.  He noticed there was not much room for him with Annie and Kristiana in the bed too.  I told him, "I know. There are too many people in this bed."  Then about ten minutes later he noticed that it was hot too. "I know! There are too many people in this bed!"  So I took the kids to Kristiana's room and told them to get in bed together.  There they stayed until the next morning.  The next night I told Kristiana if she were scared she should get into Alex's bed.  He likes to have company in the night.  She did not, but I took her there after she came to my room and there they stay until the next morning.  This is my new tactic.  Comfort each other, because there is no room in Mom and Dad's bed.

2.  It was such a disaster being home by myself.  Of course, all the stress of being the only parent had me feeling a little sicker, in the first trimester way, than normal.  I was also way more tired than normal, because of my nighttime visitors.  The kids were up to mischief all weekend.  How and why do they figure out when you are more vulnerable and then that is when they strike.  It was just damage control all weekend.

3.  I tried to keep them busy and have fun.  But, my kids are more creative than that.  The kids painted the baby.  Poor baby.  I was not gone, but a few seconds.  But, it was enough time to grab handfuls of paint and smear the baby.  I told the kids they could redeem themselves if they painted the icon neatly.  But they mixed all the paint together and made the icon black.  Sadness came over my heart.

4. Then we went inside and did other stuff, home school, cleaning up…I stepped away to change the baby's diaper.  Kristiana took this opportunity of alone time to poop on the floor.  When I came back she was dancing on the sofa, wagging her naked bottom at her brother attempting to wipe her poop on him.  Everyone was laughing, even the baby started laughing at the sight.  Guess who wasn't laughing?

5.  Thankfully there is a local church that has a nursery during Sunday Liturgy.  So I went to that church, put the girls in the nursery and sat peacefully with my little boy enjoying the goodness of the Lord.

6.  When my husband arrived home, I was hoping for a little relief.  But of course, he was wiped out from traveling. We both involuntarily fell asleep at 6:00 p.m. only to be awakened by the baby screaming.  She had been doused in soapy water.  I still do not know where the soapy water came from.  We put the kids to bed and fell asleep once more until the next morning.

7.  No, things were not all bad.  These were just the exciting moments, the memorable moments.  My kids did a lot of coloring quietly by themselves.  I noticed that after Alex finished each drawing he turned it over and wrote, "The End" on the back as though he were thinking up a little story about each picture in his head and then ended it. The kids also spent a lot of time playing quietly by themselves.  It is great to see the kids play together so well.  When I took them on outings, they also behaved.  They had some very naughty moments at home though.  This weeks things are a little more settled, but I am still trying to catch up on rest.

7 Claytonopolis Moments

1. Kristiana has nick-named our friends' new baby daughter, Foofa.  As in the character from the popular kid's show "Yo Gabba Gabba."  It was so funny when she first called the baby, Foofa.  She ran up to the baby and said, "It's okay, Foofa, don't cry." Foofa has stuck. Her Daddy now calls her, Foofa.  But really, aren't all kids a little, Foofa? Aren't they all a little Yo Gabba Gabba?

2.  One day I took the kids to the new park in our neighborhood (it's not totally completed--annoying) and Alex climbed to the top of a high structure.  He was looking off into the horizon and he said, "Mom, (pause) look at that booty."  Say what? Oh, he meant beauty. Well that's a profound thought from a four year old.  He was taken, for a moment, by how God's green earth met the blue heavens above. Yeah, I got a little choked up at the thought.  Life is "brutish and short," but also, life is Beautiful.  And that is what we strive for--to see God in everything and turn away that which is not.

3. Alex has been having anxiety and phobias about everything lately.  It drives us up the wall, because it is so frustratingly irrational.  He shuts down and starts crying and clinging and will not do what we ask.  He will not go into rooms by himself or darkened areas.  He had a total meltdown one day this week.  During the event he told me he wanted Daddy to come home, because he did not want to spend the day with me, because I was making it a bad day.  I finally put him in his room and told him he could go cry there until he was ready to get dressed and come have a haircut.  I called my husband and told him I thought we need to talk to a professional about this.  It's getting pretty serious.  Then I went back to Alex's room and he was still crying and talking about needing Daddy.  I told Alex that even if Daddy came home it would not be a good day, because only Alex can choose to have a good day. Daddy can't make you choose to have a good day.  Doing something you don't want to do, like have a haircut, does not make it a bad day.  You just do it and then choose to have a good day from then on.  A look came over his face and he stopped crying, got dressed, had a haircut and had a good day from there on.

Later when my husband came home, he took Alex around the house having him perform acts of bravery, like going into dark rooms by himself.  Alex was fine.  Alex was fine the rest of the day and went to bed well.  I asked my husband what we were going to do about his anxiety and Andrew said, "Nothing, he doesn't need help with it. He acts this way when he doesn't want to do something."  I disagreed. He was crying and shaking.  Andrew said, "He doesn't want to do it that bad."  Then I agreed.  Andrew tends to be right about such things.  So for now, my tactic is, "You choose to have a good day. You choose to not be afraid."  So far, so good.

4.  Why don't my kids sleep well anymore? My kids used to sleep well.  Now, we have the jack-in-the-box boy at bedtime (in, out, in, out); and the midnight screamer (Kristiana).  I'd like to say Annie sleeps well, but she insists on sleeping in my bed and I don't want her there anymore.  Then there is nap time.  No one naps.   Annie usually takes an hour long nap around noon and that is it.  She's too young to sleep so little.  I asked her doctor about it and his answer was, "Sorry, some kids aren't sleepers. She's within normal. She probably doesn't sleep as much because of having older siblings to keep up with."  Boo. I want all my kids to take two hour naps; go to bed at 8:00 p.m. and not wake up until 7:00 a.m. the next morning.  Is that too much to ask for? Yeah, maybe.  Why can't my kids fit MY paradigm? ;-)

5. I vented about the sleep issues on Facebook. I feel a little better--still sleep-deprived but better.  I think I am just going to put the girls in their rooms at nap times and let them scream and go find a quiet place to work with Alex.

6.  I feel so wiped out during the day with pregnancy fatigue.  But, then after the kids go to bed and I relax for a while I feel a lot better.  I don't feel near as tired and woozy.   I wonder to myself, is it the stress of chasing three small children?  I might need to work on this.  Perhaps, I need to get a little more organized to feel less stressed. Perhaps, I need Alex to stop jumping all over the furniture and antagonizing his middle sister…I'm a fixer. If something is not just right, if I am not 100%, I must figure out how to fix it, or make it even just a little better.  I could not possibly accept that I am just not going to feel 100% in the first trimester of pregnancy or any trimester.  ;-) Oh what will the Good Lord do with me.  Grant me patience and peace, Lord.

7.  Good news. Our new baby has a strong heart beat, looks healthy and the due date is May 11, which is my brother's birthday.  What a good day to be born.

How cute is this ultrasound? The midwife and I thought the baby looks like a gummy bear.

 

 

A Year of Annie

Happy Birthday Baby Girl

May God grant you many years in peace, health and happiness.

Inquisitive, imaginative and intelligent; walking and jabbering; has six teeth, four of which came in this week; she adores her brother and runs from her sister.  She has a sense of humor.  Most of all she loves to play with baby dolls.  She is a good eater and loves to play outside.  She's our girl and we love her.

Icon Writing with Kids - The Conception of John the Forerunner and Baptist

In the days of Herod, king of Judea, there was a priest named Zechari'ah, of the division of Abi'jah; and he had a wife of the daughters of Aaron, and her name was Elizabeth. And they were both righteous before God, walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless. But they had no child, because Elizabeth was barren, and both were advanced in years. Now while he was serving as priest before God when his division was on duty, according to the custom of the priesthood, it fell to him by lot to enter the temple of the Lord and burn incense. And the whole multitude of the people were praying outside at the hour of incense. And there appeared to him an angel of the Lord standing on the right side of the altar of incense. AndZechari'ah was troubled when he saw him, and fear fell upon him.

But the angel said to him, "Do not be afraid, Zechari'ah, for your prayer is heard, and your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you shall call his name John. And you will have joy and gladness, and many will rejoice at his birth; for he will be great before the Lord, and he shall drink no wine nor strong drink, and he will be filled with the Holy Spirit, even from his mother's womb. And he will turn many of the sons of Israel to the Lord their God, and he will go before him in the spirit and power of Eli'jah, to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the disobedient to the wisdom of the just,to make ready for the Lord a people prepared."

And Zechari'ah said to the angel, "How shall I know this? For I am an old man, and my wife is advanced in years." And the angel answered him, "I am Gabriel, who stand in the presence of God; and I was sent to speak to you, and to bring you this good news. And behold, you will be silent and unable to speak until the day that these things come to pass, because you did not believe my words, which will be fulfilled in their time." And the people were waiting for Zechari'ah, and they wondered at his delay in the temple. And when he came out, he could not speak to them, and they perceived that he had seen a vision in the temple; and he made signs to them and remained dumb. And when his time of service was ended, he went to his home.

After these days his wife Elizabeth conceived, and for five months she hid herself, saying, "Thus the Lord has done to me in the days when he looked on me, to take away my reproach among men."

(Luke 1:5-25)

 

Everything about John's life was remarkable. What a wonder to mankind.  John's job was not easy, but so blessed.

I asked Alex if he knew what was happening in this icon. He said, "I think they are making a baby."

"That is correct, Alex. High five!" I guess he is beginning to learn the language of icons.  "And this man on the right is the baby boy they made, except that he is all grown up in this picture."  Then I received a crooked look from my little student.  Then I explained the whole story of how John the Forerunner came to be.

A Blessed Growing Family

While I was still a working woman and I discovered that we were expecting a child (and then another child and another), I felt a sinking feeling, a feeling of shock, a feeling that things were out of my control.  I felt this way because I was working and I knew I would not be caring for my children myself and my already minuscule salary needed to stretch even farther with another mouth to feed and a husband in graduate school.  I knew that somehow we would make it work, but it did not stop me from feeling remorseful and tightly wound.  I always hated not being able to give 100% to my employer as well, because I needed to be with my infants.

With the news that we were expecting a third child, we discussed and determined I would turn in my resignation.  By this time my husband had secured full-time employment with benefits.  My shock of pregnancy turned to pure joy and awe.  Finally, I could look forward to spending endless days enjoying my children and raising them in the way of the Lord.

Now we are expecting our fourth child. This announcement is perhaps a little premature as most wait until the second trimester to announce.  However, that has never been our mode of operation.  We are ecstatic.  We cannot contain how we feel.  We also seek the support of our friends and family as they join us in prayer and hope along with us.  We are also proud to now be considered a large family--our legacy grows.  Yet, we do feel a sense that we need to tighten our belts.

I was grocery shopping and having a small amount of difficulty with my three little ones who are all under the age of five.  It is somewhat difficult shopping with three kids, but I feel most of the time I have it under control. I was thinking at the time that there was no way I was going to be able to shop with all my kids like this once there are four.  How would I keep them all contained and peaceful?  I will have to leave them home on a day my husband does not work, or go late after they have gone to bed.  This simply will not work.  Then a woman rounded the corner with five little ones in perfect order (I thought. I am sure she felt differently). Wow, thanks for putting me in my place, Lady.  I almost chased her down and thanked her for showing me how it's done and ask her about all the coupons clutched in her hand.  Sometimes the Lord shows you what you need to see.

I am sure I will have more updates as this pregnancy progresses.  So far so good.  I am battling first trimester fatigue like a warrior.  I am usually a big complainer in the last trimester.  But perhaps this time around I will finally learn the virtues of the Holy Mother, learn to dumb my gripes and have peace and patience.  Is it not amazing that our labors and suffering is what makes us grow, shine and blossom and finally, finally reach our full potential? Oh how blessed we are and what a journey we are on.

It feels good to have that off my chest.  Now, I can spill all the thoughts that are overflowing in my head. ;-)

A Pooh Ponder

As I was reading the kids a bedtime story tonight, there was a little nugget of wisdom for Christopher Robin that left me pondering:

"'Pooh Bear,' he said, 'If there's ever a tomorrow when we're not together, there's something you must remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.'"

What wonderful advice for children and grownups alike.  When I think about all the things we fear and how debilitating those fears are, I think the great triumph of humanity is not that we walk upright--it is that we adapt so incredibly well.  We are so very good at adapting to our given situation.  When pushed by happenstance we are so good at finding our potential within.  If you read about past wars, you hear stories of human triumph.  Prisoners of war suffer torture and starvation and yet live to tell about it.  They live to experience the good once more.  Sometimes I think about what I would do if I ever lost my dear husband, God forbid, and as I ponder I remind myself that I would persevere.  And that is the point Christopher Robin is making.  If at first you think you cannot possibly survive, you cannot possibly go on, remember Christopher Robin's words, "You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem and smarter than you think."  This will carry you through.

Yo'Baby!

Tell me you can look at this face and not smile.  I left the room for a moment and when I returned somehow Annie had gotten a hold of one of the other children's yogurt cup.  She was covered in yogurt, she was toddling around the living room with a trail of yogurt behind her.  She was just giggling and gaily scooping handfuls of yogurt into her mouth.  I had to laugh.  I scooped her up and put her in her high chair so that she could finish the yogurt.  It was quite a mess to clean up, but she was so sweet and enthusiastic about her treat.  The day just went down hill from there.

Laud the Mom, Chesterton

"To be Queen Elizabeth within a definite area, deciding sales, banquets, labors, and holidays; to be Whitely within a certain area, providing toys, boots, cakes, and books; to be Aristotle within a certain area, teaching morals, manners, theology, and hygiene; I can understand how this might exhaust the mind, but I cannot imagine how it could narrow it.  How can it be a large career to tell other people's children about the Rule of Three, and a small career to tell one's own children about the universe? How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone and narrow to be everything to someone?  No, a woman's function is laborious, but because it is gigantic, not because it is minute."

--G.K. Chesterton

Wow, if I ever forgot how important what I do is, this quote certainly brings me back to my senses. In fact, it inspires to be more than what I am.  Although, I think he forgot the bit about being head chef, accountant and bank manager and human incubator! But still, I think I have found a quote I can live by, at least for this time in my life.

 

Best Wishes Blessed Theotokos

Best wishes is a common salutation to a person on his or her birthday.  What does best wishes connote?  It conveys that one hopes the best for the birthday celebrant.  And what is the birth of Mary, but the greatest hope of the world.  So let us wish Blessed Theotokos the best and hope with her every day of our lives.

"What she is, wonderful as that is, will be made more wonderful by her stainless and all-pure life; her generous 'yes' to God's will; her divine maternity; her own passion and glorification." (http://www.byzcath.org/index.php/faith-mainmenu-38/40/2554)

Your birth, O Virgin Mother of God,
heralded joy to the universe;
for from you rose the Sun of Justice, Christ our God.
He took away the curse. 
He gave the blessing. 
By trampling Death He gave us everlasting life.

******

As of late, I have been under the weather.  However, I have been impressed that despite I have managed to keep the household running.  Although, Mommy is not feeling as patient these days.  I need to pray about that one and I know just who I am going to pray to asking for intercession.

Today, I read the children the story of Mary's birth.  They did not listen very well. I felt deflated.  Then they attempted to color an icon of the Nativity of Blessed Theotokos.  No, I was not up to writing a large, elaborate icon with them.  They only colored half of it.  It's just not as fun without paint.

Totally fed up with the children, I wandered to the pantry and pulled out a cook book.  Turned on my heel and blurted to the kids, "Let's make a birthday cake for Blessed Theotokos."  They immediately cheered.  It was fun.

After looking at some recipes and sizing up the ingredients we had on hand, I made the cake and frosting from scratch. This is my first from scratch baking success ever.  This is my first non-box cake ever. I guess Blessed Theotokos had pity on me.

It was not a good day.  No one showed their finest behavior.  But, the birthday cake made the day end better.   Blessed Theotokos, we magnify you.

 

Labor Daddy

I kept sweetly suggesting to my husband that we ought to get a climbing gym for the back yard so that our son would stop using our furniture to practice his gymnastics.  He has also been a climber.  He scaled the sofa at eight months old.  On Wednesday night, we all headed out to Home Depot to see what they had in the way of play sets.  I also wanted a swing set, because Kristiana could swing all day long.  On Saturday, I casually mentioned (nagged) to my husband that he should go get our neighbor and see if he would go help bring home the play set we picked out.  Then the guys spent the rest of the weekend putting it together.  Later, my husband posted as his Facebook status, "So much for a three day weekend."  So much for having Labor day as a day of rest.  But, what fun fruits of his labor.

Overpriced, Healthy Mac and Cheese

I bought a copy of Cooking Light magazine last week at the grocery store.  On the front cover it had a Mac and Cheese Makeover.  Well I had to see this, because my kids love mac and cheese.  I love to find recipes that hide vegetables and make kid food healthy.  I did not know that mac and cheese had so much calories.  On purpose, I never look at the nutrition guide for such things that I know I am going to eat anyway.  Just so I do not have to eat it in guilt.  Sometimes, I think that just makes me eat more, because I am trying to restrict my portion.  The magazine said that the average bowl of mac and cheese has 900 calories. Yikes!  Whereas their portion has 390 calories.  So, I decided to make this mac and cheese.

The ingredients set me back a pretty penny.  However, I should be able to use some of them again.  I estimate the whole dish cost about $9.00 when a box of the store brand mac and cheese of similar portion is $2.50.

The recipe called for butternut squash.  That set me back $8.00, but I can use the other half of it for another batch (only $4.00 of squash went into the batch).  The moment I started to peel the squash I began to curse this recipe.  I detest peeling with a passion.  I do not even like to peel apples for a delicious apple pie or potatoes to mash them.  Butternut squash is a much more difficult subject.  However, I had a little kitchen helper who made light of the peeling and chopping of the squash.

The rest of the ingredients assembled quickly and I put it in the oven to bake.  The result was a phenomenally tasty "mac and cheese."  I am not sure that I did not eat a 900 calorie portion because it was so incredibly tasty.  I could not stop eating it.  The kids ate it up and asked for second helpings.  They never ask for seconds.  Alex woke up the next morning and asked to eat it for breakfast.  I will make it again even though it was pricey and more difficult than boxed mac and cheese.

With out further adieu, the recipe:

3 cups of cubed, peeled, butternut squash
1 1/4 cups fat-free, low sodium chicken broth
1 1/2 cups fat-free milk (yeah, I used whole. I don't believe in fat-free milk)
2 garlic cloves
1 tsp kosher salt
1/2 tsp fresh ground pepper
2 T fat free greek yogurt (didn't use fat-free here either. I hate fat fillers)
1 1/4 cups shredded gruyere
1 cup grated pecorino
1/4 cup grated parmigiano-reggiano
(I subbed in 1 1/4 cup ramano and 1 cup cheddar. Some of those cheeses are hard to find.) 
1 lb. uncooked cavatappi

1. Preheat oven to 375 F

2. Combine squash, broth, milk and garlic in a saucepan; bring to a boil over medium heat. Reduce to medium heat and simmer until squash is tender when pierced with a fork, about 25 minutes.

3. Begin to cook pasta.

4. Place hot squash mixture in a blender. Add salt, pepper and greek yogurt.  Blend and let steam out.

5. In a bowl add cheese to hot mixture. Stir until completely combined.

6. Add cooked pasta to squash mixture and fold until the pasta is coated.

7. Spread mixture in a 13X9" baking dish.

8. Bake at 375 F for 25 minutes.

Bon appétit!

Reflections and 9 Quick Takes - Things I Learned In A Year of Home school

Last summer I began working on home school preschool with Alex to test how we liked home school before Alex was school age.  The more I learned about home schooling and the teachings of the church, the more I realized that it is my Christian duty to take responsibility for my children's education.

"The fecundity of conjugal love cannot be reduced solely to the procreation of children, but must extend to their moral education and their spiritual formation. The role of parents in education is of such importance that it is almost impossible to provide an adequate substitute."²⁹ The right and the duty of parents to educate their children are primordial and inalienable.^30"(Catechism of the Catholic Church 2221).

Some may argue that this statement does not mean the entirety of the children's education.  Or simply put, the intention is that parent's are to provide for their offspring's faith formation. I beg to differ.  One cannot mince the inherent duty to nurture one's young into reading, writing and arithmetic in a public venue and matters of the soul into another venue.  It matters that all be presented by the parent.

In the last year I have learned a lot.  I am sure that this endeavor to home school will be fraught with discovery for everyone involved.  Here are some of the best nuggets of wisdom I have gleaned in the last year:

1. Lessons should be short and age appropriate.  If you sit down with your child and the material seems to be above him, break it down into shorter age appropriate components, or simply set it aside.

2. If the curriculum requires more cutting and pasting from mom than it does from the student, pitch said curriculum into the garbage. Or let the student cut it up and paste it.

3. In order to get a squirmy young'un to sit still during a reading lesson, sit on the sofa and put a blanket over his lap.  Suddenly, it's a cozy, snuggle with mom and voila he is still.

4. Do not worry if you did not finish everything.  There is always tomorrow.

5. When in doubt glitter glue it.

6. Life is home school as well. Every moment is a teaching moment.

7. Let the child's enthusiasm be your guide.

8. Celebrating the feasts are important lessons.  The traditions bring children to the transcendent; and expose children to aspects of life and death that would otherwise remain mysterious.

9.  Pray, pray, pray. Pray for your kids. Pray with your kids. Pray for yourself. Pray in thanksgiving. Pray to give glory. Pray.

I Find Strength in Pain…But, I will Hold on Hope

 

My sister made a beautiful DVD about the Adam Towler Memorial Race commemorating the death of my brother.  She used "The Cave," by Mumford and Sons as the first soundtrack.  It's really quite moving.  I wish I could share the original movie, but some of the other songs she used have copyright issues.

Lately, I have been listening to this song over and over again.  I shed a few tears and say prayers.  This song really reminds me of who I am and where I came from.  I know to look at me and talk to me you would not think it, but I feel I have suffered in ways that drive a man to write a song like this.

Today, I am thinking about this song and my friends Taylor and Anne who are waiting to adopt a precious baby girl. But, it's complicated and tied up in courts.  So we all wait and pray.  And this post is all to say, "I will hold on hope!" As I imagine we all do.  If you have a moment, say a prayer for them all.  Pray God's will be done.  Pray comfort for all in whatever decision is made.

Tricksie Little Hobbits

Annie has learned a couple new tricks.  Pretty much every time Annie sits down on a hard floor, she starts spinning around on her cute little hiney.  Sometimes she sings.

Annie also spends a majority of her days toddling around like this.  We are excited for her.  She looks ridiculous because her head is much bigger than the other kids and she can barely keep it balanced as she walks.

We had a bit of an unschool home school day.  I was not about having lessons today.  We just got creative.  These are all ideas from "The Preschoolers Busy Book."  Everyone played-Mommy, Alex, Kristiana and Annie.

This is the "Pirate Island" game.  One person is the pirate and everyone runs around crazy, from island to island (the pillows and blankets), running away from the pirate in order to not get tagged.  The carpet is the water.  Annie was a mermaid, since I knew she would not stay on the island.  We destroyed the living room for this game.  Score for the kids team.



This game was followed by splashing.  The kids put on swim suits and got splashy with buckets of water in the backyard.  Then we did scribble pictures.  You make a scribble on a paper and then color in the spaces different colors.



Then we read stories.  Alex helped me make pizza dough. And later I had Alex clean pennies with vinegar.  It was quite a day.  Some days just need to be unconventional.